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Subject: Dear America
Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America
In the light of your recent failure to elect a
reasonable President and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today...
...Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new Prime Minister (Tony Blair for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
Minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
* There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast
English actors as the good guys.
* You should relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen, but only after carrying out task
one. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.
* You will no longer be allowed to play American
football. There is only one kind of football. What you
refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays American football. Instead you should play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American football, but does
not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or
wearing full body armour like nancies).
* You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85%
of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. (Merde is
French for "sh*t".)
* The fourth of July is no longer a public holiday.
The 3rd of November will be a new national holiday,
but only in Britain. It will be called "Stupidity
Day".
* All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
Cars, you will understand what we mean.
* Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
Subject: Dear America
Notice of Revocation of Independence
To the citizens of the United States of America
In the light of your recent failure to elect a
reasonable President and thus to govern yourselves, we
hereby give notice of the revocation of your
independence, effective today...
...Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume
monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and
other territories. Except Utah, which she does not
fancy. Your new Prime Minister (Tony Blair for the
97.85% of you who have until now been unaware that
there is a world outside your borders) will appoint a
Minister for America without the need for further
elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.
A questionnaire will be circulated next year to
determine whether any of you noticed.
To aid to the transition to a British Crown
Dependency, the following rules are introduced with
immediate effect:
* You should look up "revocation" in the Oxford
English Dictionary. Then look up "aluminium". Check
the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just
how wrongly you have been pronouncing it. Generally,
you should raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels.
Look up "vocabulary". Using the same 27 words
interspersed with filler noises such as "like" and
"you know" is an unacceptable and ineffective form of
communication. Look up "interspersed".
* There is no such thing as "US English". We will let
Microsoft know on your behalf.
* You should learn to distinguish between English and
Australian accents. It really isn't that hard.
* Hollywood will be required to occasionally cast
English actors as the good guys.
* You should relearn your original national anthem,
God Save The Queen, but only after carrying out task
one. We would not want you to get confused and give up
half way through.
* You will no longer be allowed to play American
football. There is only one kind of football. What you
refer to as "football" is not a very good game. The
2.15% of you who are aware that there is a world
outside your borders may have noticed that no one else
plays American football. Instead you should play
proper football. Initially, it would be best if you
played with the girls. It is a difficult game. Those
of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play
rugby (which is similar to American football, but does
not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or
wearing full body armour like nancies).
* You should declare war on Quebec and France, using
nuclear weapons if they give you any merde. The 97.85%
of you who were not aware that there is a world
outside your borders should count yourselves lucky.
The Russians have never been the bad guys. (Merde is
French for "sh*t".)
* The fourth of July is no longer a public holiday.
The 3rd of November will be a new national holiday,
but only in Britain. It will be called "Stupidity
Day".
* All American cars are hereby banned. They are crap
and it is for your own good. When we show you German
Cars, you will understand what we mean.
* Please tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us
crazy.
Thank you for your co-operation.
