Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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"As good as this bar is," said the Scotsman, "I still prefer the pubs back home. In Glasgow, there's a wee place called the Scottish Arms.... The landlord goes out of his way for the locals. When you buy four drinks, he'll buy the fifth drink."


"Well, Angus," said the Englishman, "At my local in London, the Red Lion, the barman will buy you your third drink after you buy the first two."

"Ahhh, dat's nothin'," said Paddy Sheehan, the Irishman. "Back home in me favorite pub in Galway, the moment you set foot in the place, they'll buy you a drink, then another, all the drinks you like, actually. Then, when you've had enough drinks, they'll take you upstairs and see dat you get laid, all on the house!"


The Englishman and Scotsman were suspicious of the claims.



"Did this actually happen to you?"

"Not me-self, personally, no," admitted the Irishman, “but it did happen to me sister quoite a few times”.
 
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Ukrainian Fire Department

One dark night outside Mundare, a small town East of Edmonton, Alberta, a fire started inside the local sausage plant and in a blink it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all the fire departments for miles around. When the local volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the sausage company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All of our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved and I will give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off.

Soon more fire departments from surrounding towns had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could bring out the company's secret files. Then, from a distance, a lone siren was heard as one more fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Smoky Lake rural township volunteer fire department composed mainly of Ukrainians over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, the little run-down fire engine, operated by these Ukrainians, passed all the newer sleek engines parked outside the plant and drove straight into the middle of the inferno.


Outside, the other firemen watched as the Ukrainian old timers jumped off and began to fight the fire from the inside with a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Smoky Lake old-timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.


The grateful sausage company president joyfully announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to personally thank each of the brave, though elderly, Ukrainian firefighters. The Edmonton TV news reporters rushed in after capturing the event on film, asking, "What are you going to do with all that money?"


" Vell," said Nick Sputski, the 70-year-old fire chief, "da furst thing vee gonna do is fix da brakes on dat focking trock."







Virus-free. www.avast.com
 
Not a joke, more a thought for the day.

If your anus was a black hole, you could literally disappear up your own ar$€ hole! :D
 
One day God was looking down on
Earth and saw all of the rascally
Retirees''s behavior that was going on..


So He called His angels and
Sent one to earth for a time.


When the angel returned, he told God,
‘Yes, it is bad on earth; 95% of retirees
Are misbehaving and only 5% are not.


God thought for a moment and said,
'Maybe I had better send down a second
Angel to get another opinion.'


So God called another angel
And sent her to earth for a time.


When the angel returned,
She went to God and said,
'Yes, it's true.
The earth is in decline;
95% of retirees are misbehaving,
But 5% are being good...'


God was not pleased....!

So He decided to e-mail the 5%
Who were good, because he wanted
To encourage them, and give them
A little something to help them keep going.


Do you know what the e-mail said?

Okay, I was just wondering,
Because I didn't get one either
.
 
An old one, I can't remember if I posted before or not.

A group of primary school children go to the Ascot races to learn about horses. When it’s time to take the children to the toilet its decided that the girls will go with one teacher and the boys with the other.
The teacher assigned to the boys is waiting outside when one of the boys comes out to tell her that none of them can reach the urinal. Having no choice, she goes inside and helps the boys with their pants and begins hoisting them up one by one over the urinal.
As she lifts one boy she can’t help but notice that he’s unusually well endowed.
Trying not to stare she says "You must be in Year 4". "No love", he replies, "I’m riding Silver Shadow in the 2.15".
 


A thief in Paris planned to steal some Paintings from the Louvre

After careful planning, he got past security, stole the paintings, and made it safely to his van.

However, he was captured only two blocks away when his van ran out of gas

When asked how he could mastermind such a crime and then make such an obvious error, he replied,

'Monsieur, that is the reason I stole the paintings.'

I had no Monet

To buy Degas

To make the

Van Gogh.'

See if you have

De Gaulle to send this on to someone else....

I sent it to you because I figured

I had nothing Toulouse.
 
The couple was 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife's insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.



One day, their good health didn't help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.



They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, 'Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.'


The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. 'Why, nothing,' Peter replied, 'remember, this is your reward in Heaven.'



The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. 'What are the greens fees?' grumbled the old man.



'This is heaven ,' St. Peter replied. 'You can play for free, every day.'


Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.



'Don't even ask,' said St. Peter to the man, 'this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.'



The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.



'Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,' he asked..

'That's the best part,' St. Peter replied, 'you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!'



The old man pushed, 'No gym to work out at?'


'Not unless you want to,' was the answer.


'No testing my sugar or blood pressure or...'

'Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.'


The old man glared at his wife and said, 'You and your damm' bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!'
 
There was a job vacancy for an FBI agent, eventually after all the checks and fitness tests were completed, the applicants were whittled down to three, two men and one woman for the final test.
The first man was taken to a room and given a gun, he was told your wife is sitting in there, you are to take the gun go in there and kill her.
The man said he couldn't do it. He was told take your wife and go home.
The second man was told the same, he entered the room but five minutes later came out crying, with his wife, they too were to!d to go home.
Finally it was the woman's turn, she took the gun and entered the room, shots were heard and a lot of shouting and screaming, eventually the woman came out covered in sweat and blood.
She said the gun was full of blanks, so I had to beat him to death with the chair.
 
At last a Husband has gathered the courage and taken the time to write down all of these.

We always hear "the rules" from the Wife's side.

Now here are the rules from the husband's side.

These are our rules! Please note..
These are all numbered "1" because each one is as important as the others !!!

1. Husbands ARE not mind readers.

1. Shopping is NOT a sport. And no, we are never going to think of it that way.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work! Neither do Strong hints! Obvious hints never! Our wiring does not take them!! Just say it!

1. Yes and No are perfectly Acceptable answers to almost every question.

1. Come to us with a problem only If you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted in two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one .

1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done. Not both.

1. If you already know best how to do it, please just do it yourself.

1. When I am seeing tv, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.

1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings. Peach, for example, is a fruit, not! A color. Like Pumpkin! We have no idea what mauve or lavender is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear

1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as football, cars, bikes or games or page 3 pyts.

1. You have enough clothes.

1. You have too many shoes.

1. U r in shape..... Round IS also a shape!

1. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight;
But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping.







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Spam
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!
 
As the coffin was being lowered into the ground at a Traffic Warden's funeral, a voice from inside screams: "I'm not dead, I'm not dead. Let me out!"

The Vicar smiles, leans forward, sucking air through his teeth and mutters,

"Too late, mate, the paperwork's already done."
 
I saw my mate Charlie this morning, he's only got one arm bless him.

I shouted - "Where you off to Charlie?"

He said, "I'm off to change a light bulb."

Well I just cracked up, I couldn't stop laughing, then said,

"That's gonna be a bit awkward init?"

"Not really." he said, "I still have the receipt, you insensitive bastard."

____________________________ _____

Angela Merkel arrives at PassportControl in Athens airport.

"Nationality?" asks the immigration officer.

"German," she replies.

"Occupation?

"No, just here for a few days."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

After both suffering from depression for a while,

me and the missus were going to commit suicide together yesterday.

Strangely enough, however, once she killed herself I started to feel a lot better.

So I thought - sod it, I'll soldier on.

______________________________ __________

I woke up this morning at 8 and could sense something was wrong.

I got downstairs and found the wife face down on the kitchen floor,

not breathing! I panicked. I didn't know what to do.

Then I remembered the local cafe serve breakfast until 11.30.

______________________________ __________

"Jesus Loves You."

Nice to hear in church but not in a Mexican prison.

______________________________ __________

Got caught having a pee in the local swimming pool today.

The lifeguard shouted at me so loud I nearly fell in.

______________________________ __________

I woke to go to the toilet in the middle of the night and noticed

a burglar sneaking through next door's garden.

Suddenly my neighbour came from nowhere and smacked

him over the head with a shovel killing him instantly.

He then began to dig a grave with the shovel.

Astonished, I got back into bed.

My wife said "Darling, you're shaking, what is it?"

"You'll never believe what I've just seen!"

I said, "That tosser next door has still got my bloody shovel."

______________________________ __________

A man is seeking to join the Glasgow Police force.

The Sergeant doing the interview says:

"Your qualifications all look good,

but there is an attitude suitability test that you must take before you can be accepted."

Then, sliding a pistol and a box of ammo across the desk, he says:

"Take this pistol and go out and shoot six illegal immigrants,

six drug dealers, six extremists, and a rabbit"

The man being interviewed asks, "Why the rabbit?"

"Excellent" says the Sergeant. "When can you start?"
 
1960 South Africa apartheid, there was a 6pm curfew, armed police were watching the factory gates as the workers streamed out on their bikes, it was 5pm.
Suddenly one of the officers raises his rifle and shoots one of them dead.
His mate says, Christ Charlie, why did you do that it's only ten past five?
Charlie said, I know where that bastard lives, he would never have made it.
 
At times nature can be cruel, but there is also a raw beauty, and even a certain justice manifested within that cruelty.


The alligator, one of the oldest and ultimate predators, normally considered the 'apex predator', can still fall victim to implemented 'team work' strategy, made possible due to the tight knit social structure and 'survival of the pack mentality' bred into the canines.


See the remarkable photograph below courtesy of Nature Magazine.


Note that the Alpha dog has a muzzle hold on the gator preventing it from breathing, while another dog has a hold on the tail to keep it from thrashing. The third dog attacks the soft underbelly of the gator.


Not for the squeamish! Scroll Down



















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