Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[ioweddie]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[ioweddie]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men.

He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a Physical Therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him.

'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes,' the man replied. He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin.

At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside.

She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'?

He replied: It feels great, but I still think my thumb's broken!

 

[Deleted member 113659]

 

[del320]

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole./QUOTE]

Does this get funnier on the third telling?

 

[del320]

Does this get funnier on the third telling?

 

[del320]

Does this get funnier on the ...

 

[AMGeed]

 

[del320]

...Irish bob-sleigh team refused to compete until the course had been gritted...

 

[DoberMan]

...Irish bob-sleigh team refused to compete until the course had been gritted...

………….and in the Summer Olympics the Irish Water Skiing Team were looking for a lake with a slope on it………...

 

[ioweddie]

I only listed it once the site must be playing up a bit, Honest!

 

[Chrishazle]

As for what the Irish fencing team turned up with....

 

[DoberMan]

As for what the Irish fencing team turned up with....

…..they were 1st past the post though………..

 

[fabes]

And they lapped up the attention.....

 

[DoberMan]

…….yep, they nailed it…….

 

[ioweddie]

AT 73

I just took a leaflet out of my mailbox,

informing me that I can have sex at 73.

I'm so happy, because I live at number 71.

So it's not too far to walk home afterwards.

And it's the same side of the street.

~~~~~

Answering machine



message,



"I am not available right now, but



thank you for caring enough to call.



I am making



some changes in my life.



Please leave a message



after the beep.



If I do not return your call,



you are one of the



changes."

~~~~~

My wife and I had words, but I didn't get to use mine.

~~~~~

Frustration is trying to find your glasses

without your glasses.

~~~~~

Blessed are those who can give without remembering and take without forgetting.

~~~~~

The irony of life is that,

by the time you're old



enough to know your way around,



you're not going anywhere.

~~~~~

God made man before



woman so as to give him time



to think of an answer



for her first question.

~~~~~

I was



always taught to respect my elders,



but it keeps getting harder to find one.

~~~~~

Every morning is the dawn of a new error.

~~~~~

The quote of the month is



by Jay Leno:



"With hurricanes, tornados, fires out



of control,



mud slides, flooding, severe



thunderstorms



tearing up the country from one end



to another,



and with the threat of bird flu and



terrorist attacks,



are we sure this is a good time



to take



God out of the Pledge of Allegiance?"

~~~~~

Aspire to inspire before



you expire.

~~~~~

 

[triple h]

Why did the prostitute join a cult

she enjoy the sects

 

[ioweddie]

England v Ireland March 17 St Patrick’s Day Twickenham

This may be of interest to you. A friend of mine has two tickets in a corporate box for England v Ireland 17th Mar. He paid £300 each, but he didn't realise when he bought them months ago that it was going to be the same day as his wedding If you are interested, he is looking for someone to take his place.

It's at Marylebone Registry Office, at 4.30pm. The bride's name is Nicole -- she's 5'4", about 8 stone, quite pretty, has her own income and is a really good cook.

 

[ioweddie]

SEX with Ghosts



A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies

To get a feel for his audience, he asks, "How many people here believe in ghosts?"


About 90 students raise their hands.


"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"


About 40 students raised their hands.


"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"


About 15 students raise their hand.


"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"


Three students raise their hands.


"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"


Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand.


The professor takes off his glasses and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost. You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience."


The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium. When he reached the front of the room, the professor asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex with a ghost?"



Hamad replied, "Shit, from way back there I thought you said goats

 

[DoberMan]

You gotta love Frank!


Mildred, the church gossip and self-appointed monitor of the church's morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several members did not approve of her activities, but feared her enough to maintain their silence & distance.

She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the town's only bar one afternoon. She emphatically told Frank, (and several others), that everyone seeing it there would know what he was doing!

Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny. He simply said nothing.

Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's house, walked home... and left it there all night.

You gotta love Frank!

 

[Peter103]