Guilt. Skeleton's in your cupboard?

[m2287]

Not me this time.

Step forward the son of my chiropractor, who, on the final day of term (and his last) at a well known grammar school, got some friends to deliver and let loose into the main building (endless corridors, classrooms, canteen, staff rooms, main hall etc.) four sheep which were individually sprayed with the numbers 1, 2, 4 and 5.

I bet that took a while.

At my school we had the polystyrene ceiling tiles that you could easily push up and get up into the roof.... On our last day we may well have put fish in the ceilings of just about every room in the school!

 

[Satch]

When living in Thailand a few years back I had a live-in maid, a deeply superstitious lady from the rural hinterland. The residents of the apartment above mine were tragically killed in a car accident and my maid was worried that they would come back to haunt the building. I amused myself for some time by pressing the lift buttons for different floors so that when the doors opened no-one would be there. The poor woman was convinced it was the ghosts. It cost me a fortune in incense because she had to appease the spirits every time the ghosts put in an appearance.

You are a bad person.

The spirits just told me that and you owe me £176,654,321.69 for incense

 

[Giantvanman]

You are a bad person.

The spirits just told me that and you owe me Baht 176,654,321.69 for incense

Would 57p make all that difference now?

 

[j.schmeltzer]

I grew up in Ohio, which has severe winters. As a 13 year old, I had many buddies. After a good snowfall, we would go out at night to a hilly street, about halfway up, 3 or 4 on each side. When a car came down the hill we would lean back with our arms out as if we had a rope stretched between us, tug-of-war style. Driver would slam on brakes and skid down the hill sideways, sometimes into a ditch. Great fun.

 

[ringway]

At my school we had the polystyrene ceiling tiles that you could easily push up and get up into the roof.... On our last day we may well have put fish in the ceilings of just about every room in the school!

I used to know a plumber who worked for Manchester Council who told me that sardines would sometimes be placed into the ventilation system on some of their Marina vans.

Another worker there, a painter, told me that they had a mystery pooper who would plop into the full paint tins and then replace the lid. Nice!

 

[ringway]

I grew up in Ohio, which has severe winters. As a 13 year old, I had many buddies. After a good snowfall, we would go out at night to a hilly street, about halfway up, 3 or 4 on each side. When a car came down the hill we would lean back with our arms out as if we had a rope stretched between us, tug-of-war style. Driver would slam on brakes and skid down the hill sideways, sometimes into a ditch. Great fun.

Here's me worrying about a few magazines.

 

[moonloops]

Classic "story" ahead:

A mate of mine went through a rather messy divorce. In the end she got the house and he left to start a new life, however just before he left the matrimonial home he decided to stuff raw prawns inside every curtain pole.

The wife held a celebratory party a day after he left and several guest started to mention that there was a bit of a whiff. Two weeks later the house wasn't habitable,even the pest controllers were puking up despite face masks.

Anyway, a good ending. She had to sell the house at a fraction of it's worth, and due to her financial situation decide to take all of the light bulbs and curtain poles to her new house.

 

[Giantvanman]

Classic "story" ahead:

A mate of mine went through a rather messy divorce. In the end she got the house and he left to start a new life, however just before he left the matrimonial home he decided to stuff raw prawns inside every curtain pole.

The wife held a celebratory party a day after he left and several guest started to mention that there was a bit of a whiff. Two weeks later the house wasn't habitable,even the pest controllers were puking up despite face masks.

Anyway, a good ending. She had to sell the house at a fraction of it's worth, and due to her financial situation decided to take all of the light bulbs and curtain poles to her new house.

First and likely best laugh of the day. Nice one and please tell 'your mate' I like his style.

 

[NDFR]

My step daughter was going through a very messy and abusive divorce, her husband was behaving incredibly badly. In order to help her my wife and I gave her the deposit for a new house to enable her to move quickly.
When husband was out we hired a van to help her move. Once finished loading I decided to take our revenge.
Starting at the top of the house I used a power screwdriver to screw up every door in the house. That is each door had approximately 8 screws to secure it to the door frame The top of each screw was then drilled to prevent unscrewing. The only door not 'fixed' was the back door.
The police were not interested as he had to witnesses. Juvenile perhaps but satisfying none the less.

 

[ringway]

Long story that I'll cut short...

From the kitchen window, we had noticed a rat crawling up the bird feeder to eat the nuts and bread placed there for the birds.
The rat problem (not for the first time) is Mrs Ringway's fault due to her insistence of chucking food all over the garden for our feathered friends.

I'd reported my early morning sighting of the rat a few days earlier and once she had witnessed this for herself, Mrs Ringway, still in her pyjamas, went out with a broom to "Kill the bugger!"

So, there she stood, broom raised and ready to strike the (long-gone) rodent.
I crept up behind her with a small long-handled brush and ran it up her inside leg.

She shrieked and leapt high into the air and really did jump out of her skin.

Thinking about it, this is possibly one of the best moments of my married life.

Would I do it again? Oh yes!

 

[def90cars]

Many years ago, in fact the last year in school, aged 15, my twin brother and I had a reputation for being swats. This was bad for street cred but great for other reasons. I think during the final 2 or 3 terms we both took 5 or 6 days of school - sometimes together, sometimes seperately - stay at home and watch TV or play on our VIC 20 (ask your dad!).
On returning to school we would say we were ill or had a dentists appointment or similar. Teachers never questioned us or even demanded a note (lesson from Cherly Baker in form 1KI 4 years earlier - never get your older sister to fake a note as Mr Sylvester WILL recognise writing!!) as we were such good pupils.
The height of this was one Tuesday we decided the best thing to do was to visit our grandmother in Derby (15 miles away). The problem with staying home was avoiding our older brother who came home for lunch everyday from work (p**ing works toilets phobia) and waiting in the caravan in the garden, loft or under our beds (yes really) for 45 minutes was tedious.
So off we set, needing to catch two buses and navigate Derby City Centre in our uniform (if caught by Police/Army/a teacher clearly we were "just on our way to school").
On arriving near our grandmother's home we had to walk the last 1/4 mile through the house. On just going over the top of a small hill in the road - oh god... our MUM is walking the other way. She had been to visit her mum for lunch from work (our grandmother - in case you aren't genealogist).
Of course she was surprised.
"What are you two doing here?"
Quick thinking (and not actually uncommon back then).... "The teachers are on strike again so we thought we would come and see Nana rather than waste a day at home". (also the bus fare 50p return to Derby and 16p to Mickleover was a good investment based on Nana normally paid about £2 for a visit - in pound notes!!)
Mum bought it! "Good boys"
She went to work and we went for our pay out... I mean visit our grandmother.

So believable was this, it was never checked by our parents. Our attendance was never questioned by the school and nobody was the wiser ...... until....

At my brothers wedding in 2003 (aged 35 now - so 20 years later) I told this story as best man. My mum collared me after and told me off.

All true - nothing to exciting but always makes me smile.

 

[Ted]

Right, this is probably politically incorrect, but it happened many many years ago, and I promise I am much better behaved now.

Let me set the scene. It was the early seventies, and there were a lot of programmes and media attention on ice skating (it was well before Torvill and Dean).
One of the guys at work - let's call him Colin (actually that was his real name) - one of those really nice guys who are a bit gullible, was really into the skating on TV.

So I hatched a scheme with Mick (his real name also)...

I engaged Colin in a conversation about ice skating, and true to form he was very enthusiastic about it. I said that Mick's sister was brilliant at ice skating, and might be skating for England in the near future. "You ought to ask him about her", I said. "He's very proud of her".

So later in the day, Colin came in and asked Mick how his sister was doing. "what do you mean?" said Mick.
"You know, your sister's ice skating. How's it going?"
Mick then threw his spanner across the workshop, burst into tears and said "You b*stard! My sister's got no legs!"

I'll never forget the look on Colin's face - all the blood drained away, he was totally shocked, and kept apologising. Mick held his face in his hands shaking and sobbing uncontrollably.

Of course, there was nothing wrong with Mick's sister.

Colin didn't speak to us for a long time after that.

 

[Tim203]

^^^ Absolutely superb Ted. That one won't get topped for a while .

 

[Deleted member 6183]

Windscreen fun.

I once told a mate that the little wooden figure that was hanging from the rear view mirror smelled of cannabis, he didn't believe me so I told him to smell it. As he leaned very close to the windscreen to smell it I slammed on the brakes, how I laughed.

I used to own a VW T2 camper, massive windscreen and no bonnet. Any time that I had to brake (pedestrian crossing, behind a stopped car) I would throw myself at the windscreen and press my face and hands against it. How I laughed.

Compulsory seatbelts have taken a lot of fun out of motoring.

 

[CLSMark]

Myself and Mrs Mark, have to reverse out our driveway

Whenever I’m shotgun in her car, I do the following.

I slip it into neutral (she has the clutch and brake pressed) when she looks over her right shoulder.

Resulting in her revving the bollocks of it, when she’s clear to go. [emoji16]

Never gets old, and she’s still none the wiser [emoji18]





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[Deleted member 113659]

Take that to the next stage Mark. (If Theresa Standard handbrake)

1) As she re-engages reverse you pull up the handbrake.

2) As she releases handbrake you engage neutral.

3) repeat stage 1.

So on & so forth.

Repeat same process for as long as you dare.

 

[Deleted member 113659]

When I was 15ish parants were away on holiday. My three older sisters spent the week out and about. I took it on myself to have a lil house party.

I woke the next morning on sofa with a plate in about 6 pieces beside me on the floor.

The plate was usually hung up on the wall in the hallway. Been in the family for generations.

As me and a few remaining friends frantically tidied the house before my sisters return I popped the plate in some newspaper and then the outside bin.

The plate come up in conversation in subsequent years but mum and dad came to the conclusion it was lost during one of our many house moves. Dad is convinced one of the removals guys took a liking to his grandmothers plate. Thieving buggers.

 

[CLSMark]

Only thing I have in the closet is my old mucker Peter103

I asked him to “come out” but said he was staying in


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[Ted]

Some time ago there was a guy at work who, for a number of reasons, I took a particular dislike to.
One day I put a load of Doctor Windbreaker's Fart Powder in his tea.
Some time later he left the office several times.
A little later he went home for the rest of the day.

 

[brucemillar]

Many years ago; I worked for Gross Cash Registers in Brighton. Every single morning without fail, our supervisor would put on his white coat, before marching (almost a goose step) out from his office and, as he passed the first bench, on the production line he would, with no side-ward glance, stick out his left arm and pick up his waiting 1 pint carton of milk. It was pure synergy almost balletic how he managed to to do this, every day without a miss or a wobble. That was until the day I Super-glued, the bottom of his waiting milk carton to the top of the bench.

I am not sure what I expected to happen. Maybe some spilled milk as the carton tore or a gentle curs as his stride was interrupted?

What I never expected was his feet to leave the ground and come over his head, as he clung for life to his milk carton. It was a prank that went beyond admission of guilt, to the point that I found myself volunteering to help search out the culprit by looking for tubes of Super-glue.

He never knew then and never worked out, who it was that secretly spread machine grease, in his neatly buttered Fruit Bun (a daily afternoon treat from his wife).