Guilt. Skeleton's in your cupboard?

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One from a few weeks ago.
We were looking after the grandson and he decided that he wanted to search the garden to see if he could find any toads, so naturally he dragged me out to help.
As we were searching in the border, I farted.
“What was that, grandad?”said Tommy “Do you think it was a toad?”
“Oh yes” said I “Sounded just like a toad”.
So we spent the next fifteen minutes in that spot (unsuccessfully) looking for it.
 
I used to Nick a bottle or two of milk on my way to school. Not wanting to deprive anyone of their morning cuppa, the morning prior to the theft I left a note in the empty bottle. " one extra pint every day this week please ". Tues Wednesday Thursday and Friday would see me with a free pint. I used to vary my route and on occasions order an orange juice.
 
He was a grumpy old bugger, we were early morning paperboys in south london aged 12/13, it was about a week before christmas and some house holds would give us a tip, not a lot just a few coppers or perhaps a shilling, which was good because the most we could earn for a week of early mornings was about 10 shillings, but not this old sod, "geraaaht of ere and shut the bloody gate'' was all you'd get from him, my mate had had about enough, one night passing his house soon after christmas, he crept down the path to his front door, dropped his trousers and shat a large turd on his doorstep, "that'll teach him" he said, whether it did or not, we didn't hang around to find out.
 
Warning* not for the squeamish or easily offended.

When I first ventured south of the border, I met a Girl called Gemma from saaaaf east Laaaandon, Loveliest girl, with a heart of gold. Perhaps even a keeper. Anyhow we saw each other for a bit, then came the meeting her Mum.

I have a tendency to say stupid things, or offend somebody completely innocently when I get a bit nervy.

So I made a super duper effort, to do none of the above.

So I meet the old witch, I was nothing but a perfect gentleman, didn’t make any stupid jokes, I didn’t try too hard, or not try enough, i made the perfect impression. Or so I thought.

To cut a long story short, no matter what I did, this woman just didn’t like me.

She’d constantly make nasty remarks about Scotland and my accent.

I’m not precious or anything, ill banter all day long with the English. We all know the difference between banter and nasty.

But this woman’s jokes etc were all vicious.

She saw me as something from a different planet, and treated me with nothing but contempt.

So...

I thought how do I get my own back, without it being obvious, or alerting my gf.

So I masturbated into her mums shampoo.

I take great delight in knowing she washed her evil witchy hair with my “fluids”




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro
 
Warning* not for the squeamish or easily offended.

When I first ventured south of the border, I met a Girl called Gemma from saaaaf east Laaaandon, Loveliest girl, with a heart of gold. Perhaps even a keeper. Anyhow we saw each other for a bit, then came the meeting her Mum.

I have a tendency to say stupid things, or offend somebody completely innocently when I get a bit nervy.

So I made a super duper effort, to do none of the above.

So I meet the old witch, I was nothing but a perfect gentleman, didn’t make any stupid jokes, I didn’t try too hard, or not try enough, i made the perfect impression. Or so I thought.

To cut a long story short, no matter what I did, this woman just didn’t like me.

She’d constantly make nasty remarks about Scotland and my accent.

I’m not precious or anything, ill banter all day long with the English. We all know the difference between banter and nasty.

But this woman’s jokes etc were all vicious.

She saw me as something from a different planet, and treated me with nothing but contempt.

So...

I thought how do I get my own back, without it being obvious, or alerting my gf.

So I masturbated into her mums shampoo.

I take great delight in knowing she washed her evil witchy hair with my “fluids”




Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk Pro


11280608-1364392575888697.jpg
 
Is there any way I can now rid my visual cortex of the image of the above vengeful act?
I know! But this is what this thread is all about, and CLSMark has been awarded 5 gold stars, if not for the act, for having the gonads to cough. :)
 
Seeing as it is lockdown time and we have a fair few new members on board since 2017, I thought I would shamelessly bump this thread in the hope of more entertaining stories.

What have you?
 
Mi'su'sing apo'strophe's
 
Mi'su'sing apo'strophe's


I've never had much luck with English language.

I once had an affair with an English teacher.

One night, we were both blind drunk and somehow, I ended up making love to her from behind.

The next morning, she dumped me for improper use of the colon.
 
I've never had much luck with English language.

I once had an affair with an English teacher.

One night, we were both blind drunk and somehow, I ended up making love to her from behind.

The next morning, she dumped me for improper use of the colon.
Hence your forum name?
 
When I was around 9 years old, I stole (I think) an iced finger from the local cake shop.
I got caught and my mum soon arrived at the shop and whisked me straight to the local police station where I received a stern telling off.
 

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