1001 jokes

[Ashley]

German family go shopping for the day, to buy a present for young Hans as it's his birthday. His father says to him " Hans you always learn a valuable lesson about life on your birthday".

After a very long afternoon of him not liking anything, they finally end up in a sports shop and they split up. Hans goes off with his sister to look around.
He ends up in the world cup football section picks up an England shirt and says to his sister " I have decided to be an England supporter I want you to buy me this shirt".

His sister slaps him on the cheek and says "Don't be stupid go and see your mother"

He goes up to his mother and says "I have decided to be an England supporter. I want you to buy me this shirt".

His mother slaps him twice and says "I will not buy that, go and see your father.

He finds his father and says "Father I have decided to be an England supporter, I want you to buy me this shirt".

His father slaps him hard and says "Don't be ridiculous. Right we are all going home, everybody back to the car".

After half an hours driving he turns to his son and says "Hans did you learn anything today?"

"Yes father"

"What did you learn?"

"Well father. I have only been an England fan for half an hour and I already hate you German Bas*ards".

 

[Ashley]

Big gay Simon goes to the Doctors to get his test results. The Doc says, "I'm sorry to tell you Simon, but you have AIDS."

Simon is devastated and asks the Doc what can he do. The Doc says, "Eat a head of cabbage, 20 Jalapeno peppers, 40 walnuts, 40 peanuts, half a box of All Bran, all washed down with a pint and a half of prune juice."

"Will this cure me?" Simon asks.

"No" replied the Doc, "But it'll remind you what your a**** is for".

 

[Ashley]

Young German man talking to his grandfather says " Be with you in 2 minutes - just checking my E-mails"

Grandfather says " Ach such a waste of time, when I was young I lived a little, I went to Paris and spent lots of time in the famous Folies Bergeres, drank all their champagne, slept with all the dancers and urinated on the barman - that's real life young man - you should try it!!"

Well 3 weeks later Grandfather is visiting his Grandson who is in hospital, covered in bandages, with a badly broken arm. Grandfathers says " So what happened to you?"

Grandson says " I took your advice - I went to Paris, the Folies Bergeres, drank loads of Champagne, slept with a couple of dancers and urinated on the barman, but the bouncers beat the crap out of me!"

Grandfather asks " Who did you go with?"

Grandsaon says, "Just a few friends. Why, who did you go with?"

Grandfather, "The SS"

 

[Ashley]

In an interview about his failed marriage Paul McCartney was asked if
he would ever go down on one knee again...

He replied ......"I'd prefer it if you called her Heather."

 

[Ashley]

50 Degrees. Southerners turn on their heating.
Northerners plant their gardens.

40 Degrees. Southerners shiver uncontrollably.
Northerners Sunbathe.

30 Degrees. Southern cars will not start.
Northerners drive with their windows down

20 Degrees. Southerners wear coats, gloves, and wool hats.
Northerners throw a t-shirt on (Girls start wearing mini-skirts)

10 Degrees. Southerners begin to Evacuate.
Northerners go swimming in the North Sea.

Zero degrees. Southern landlords turn up the heat.
Northerners have the last barbecue before it gets cold.

Minus 10 Degrees. Southerners cease to exist.
Northerners throw on a lightweight jacket.

Minus 80 Degrees. Polar bears wonder if it's worth it.
Northern Boy scouts start wearing long trousers.

Minus 100 Degrees. Santa Claus abandons the North Pole.
Northerners put on their long johns.

Minus 173 Degrees. Alcohol freezes.
Northerners become frustrated because the pubs are shut.

Minus 297 Degrees. Microbiological life starts to disappear.
The cows on Newcastle town moor complain of vets with cold hands.

Minus 460 Degrees. All atomic motion stops.
Northerners start to stamp their feet and blow on their hands.

Minus 500 Degrees. Hell freezes over..............
Scotland qualify for The World Cup.

 

[Ashley]

Patel Patel Patel

Patel was bragging to his American boss one day -
"You know, I know everyone there is to know. Just name someone,
anyone, and I know them."

"Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, "OK, Patel how
about Tom Cruise?"

"Sure, yes, Tom and I are old friends, and I can prove it."

So Patel and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's
door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise shouts, "Patel! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!"

Although impressed, Patel's boss is still skeptical.

After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Patel that he thinks Patel's
knowing Cruise was just lucky.

"No, no, just name anyone else," Patel says.

"President Bush," his boss quickly retorts."
Yes," Patel says, "I know him, let's fly out to Washington."

And off they go. At the White House, Bush spots Patel on the tour and
motions him and his boss over, saying, "Patel , what a surprise, I was
just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and
let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up."

Well, the boss is much shaken by now, but still not totally convinced.

After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to
Patel who again implores him to name anyone else.

"The Pope," His boss replies.

"Sure!" says Patel . "My folks are from Germany, and I've known the
Pope a long time."

So off they fly to Rome. Patel and his boss are assembled with the
masses in Vatican Square when Patel says," This will never work. I
can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I
know all the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on
the balcony with the Pope.

And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican. Sure
enough, half an hour later Patel emerges with the Pope on the balcony.
But by the time Patel returns, he finds that his boss has had a heart
attack and is surrounded by paramedics. Working his way to his boss'
side, Patel asks him, what happened?

His boss looks up and says, "I was doing fine until you and the Pope
came out on the balcony and the man next to me said, "Who's the f^*k's that on the balcony with Patel?"

 

[Ashley]

Note: I think I may have posted this before but I love it.

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What are Politics?"

Dad says, "Well son, let me try to explain it this way:



#1. I'm the head of the family, so call me The President.

#2. Your mother is the administrator of the money, so we call her

the Government.

#3. We're here to take care of your needs, so we'll call you the
People.
#4. The nanny, we'll consider her the Working Class.

#5. And your baby brother, we'll call him the Future.

"Now, think about that and see if it makes sense."

So, the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has

said.
Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up

to check on him. He finds that the baby has severely soiled his

diaper.

So, the little boy goes to his parent's room and finds his mother

sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room.

Finding the door locked, he looks in the peephole and finds his father in

bed with the Nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.
The next morning, the little boy says to his father, "Dad, I think

I understand the concept of politics now."


The father says, "Good, son, tell me in your own words what you

think politics is all about."

The little boy replies, "The President is screwing the Working

Class, while the Government is sound asleep. The People are being ignored

and the Future is in deep s***."

 

[Ashley]

Woman was out golfing one day when she hit her ball into the woods.

She went into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The
frog said to her, "If you release me from this trap,
I will grant you three wishes."

The woman freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed
to mention that there was a condition to your
wishes. Whatever you wish for, your husband will get ....... times
ten!"

The woman said, "That's okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the
most beautiful woman in the world.
The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also make your
husband the most handsome man that ever lived,
an Adonis whom women will swoon over and flock to". The woman
replied,
"That's okay, because I will be the most
beautiful woman and he will have eyes only for me."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the most beautiful woman in the world!

For her second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world.
The frog said,"That will make your husband
the richest man in the world by far. And he will be ten times richer
than you. "The woman said, "That's okay,
because what's mine is his and what's his is mine."

So, KAZAM!!! - She's the richest woman in the world!

The frog then inquired about her third wish, and after careful
consideration she answered, "I'd like a mild heart attack."

 

[Ashley]

One for the MB girls:

WICOE (Women In Charge Of Everything) are proud to announce the opening of their

EVENING CLASSES FOR MEN!

OPEN TO MEN ONLY

Note: due to the complexity and level of difficulty, each course will accept a maximum of eight participants. The course covers two days, and topics covered in this course include:

DAY ONE

HOW TO FILL ICE CUBE TRAYS
Step by step guide with slide presentation

TOILET ROLLS- DO THEY GROW ON THE HOLDERS?
Roundtable discussion

DIFFERENCES BETWEEN LAUNDRY BASKET & FLOOR
Practicing with hamper (Pictures and graphics)

DISHES & SILVERWARE; DO THEY LEVITATE/FLY TO KITCHEN SINK OR DISHWASHER BY THEMSELVES?
Debate among a panel of experts.

REMOTE CONTROL
Losing the remote control - Help line and support groups

LEARNING HOW TO FIND THINGS
Starting with looking in the right place instead of turning the house upside down while screaming - Open forum

DAY TWO

EMPTY MILK CARTONS; DO THEY BELONG IN THE FRIDGE OR THE BIN?
Group discussion and role play

HEALTH WATCH; BRINGING HER FLOWERS IS NOT HARMFUL TO YOUR HEALTH
PowerPoint presentation

REAL MEN ASK FOR DIRECTIONS WHEN LOST
Real life testimonial from the one man who did

IS IT GENETICALLY IMPOSSIBLE TO SIT QUIETLY AS SHE PARALLEL PARKS?
Driving simulation

LIVING WITH ADULTS; BASIC DIFFERENCES BETWEEN YOUR MOTHER AND YOUR PARTNER
Online class and role playing

HOW TO BE THE IDEAL SHOPPING COMPANION
Relaxation exercises, meditation and breathing techniques

REMEMBERING IMPORTANT DATES & CALLING WHEN YOU'RE GOING TO BE LATE
Bring your calendar or PDA to class

GETTING OVER IT; LEARNING HOW TO LIVE WITH BEING WRONG ALL THE TIME
Individual counsellors available

 

[Ashley]

Tim:- Boss i am not coming into work to day coz i am sick.

Boss:- How sick are you?

Tim:- Well i am in bed with my sister

 

[Spinal]

Great! I found the one of the SS a little "touchy" but very funny none-the-less

Here's a couple of mine:

Origins of Politics: From greek Poly meaning many; and ticks, being a small blood sucking organism

Dubya is walking on the beach one morning and he finds an old chinese and an old Japanese skipping disks on the ocean. So he approaces them and asks: "What are you doing?"
"Well" answers the Chinese, "we are discovering the names of our ancestors who live inside us."
So Bush asks to be shown, and the Chinese takes a disks and throws it on the water; as it skips is makes a sound "Ho-Chi-Min" with every bounce.

Surprised, Bush asks the Japanese to demonstrate; so the Japanese throws and off goes the disk "Fu-Ji-Jama"!

Now Bush decides he wants to try. He takes a disk, concentrates hard (immagine the face) and throws; as the disk bounces it goes "Chim-pan-zee"



And as its soccer season (flames by pm please )
Three soccer supporters are selected by a group of scientists; a german, an American and an English. These are put in an empty room with nothing but two metal spheres. A couple of days later they check on the progress of the specimens. The American is busy exercizing using the spheres as weights, the german is spinning the sphere around each other and the english is sitting on the floor. They note their findings and return after a week or so.

Upon their return, they ask their specimens what they did.
- The american has built up some serious muscle and is ready to go on a weight lifting competition
- The german has disproved one of Einsteins theorems and is working on creating a new energy source
- The English is still sitting on the floor, but there is only half a sphere in front of him... So they ask "what did you do?"
"mate, i dunno" he answers, "one I lost, the other I broke"

I'll type some more another time, right now I'll enjoy the view (Im in the Alps in italy )

Michele

 

[Ashley]

In a hospital serving victims of land mines, a man wakes up from surgery.

Man: Doctor, something is wrong... I can't feel my legs!

Doctor: Yes, we've had to amputate both your arms.

 

[Ashley]

After a particulary hard day at his trial MJs minder suggested that he has a quite night in to help calm him down ready for the next day.

'Why don't you get yourself a film Michael you like films'.

'What a great idea!' says Michael ' Can we get Aladin?'

'Aren't you in enough trouble'

 

[Ashley]

Great! I found the one of the SS a little "touchy" but very funny none-the-less

It is only a joke.

An SS guard at a consentration camp is inspecting a line of prisoners when he hears a sneeze
"Who sneezed?" he asks
No one answers so he shoots five
"Who sneezed?"
No answer, so he shoots five more
"Who sneezed?"
Still no answer so five more are gunned down
"Who sneezed?"
An old man puts his hand up
"Come here" says the guard, the old man shuffles up.
"So, you sneezed eh?" The old guy nods,
"Bless you."

 

[Ashley]

What has lots of balls and f"^*s rabbits





A 12-bore

 

[Vips]

Man walks into his boss's office and say's: Boss, Boss, can I use your Dictaphone?

Boss Replies: NO, use your bloody fingers like everyone else!!!

 

[Ian B Walker]

True story, Whilst in the Army I knew a guy called Terry Gammons. His friends including me were junior NCO's and went to the mess most nights. Terry is fed up with this and goes to see the SSM (Squadron Sargent Major). The conversation went thus.
"Sir I want to be a corpral"
SSM, "Gammons, you a Corpral?"
Terry, "Thank you Sir"
out he went and put a tape on his arm. Lasted a whole 24 hours before he got locked up for impersonating rank, we got a beer out of him before hand though

 

[merc-c]

A German guy approaches a lady of the night....

"I vish to buy secx viz you."

"OK," says the girl, "I charge £20 an hour."

The German replies "..ist goot, but I must varn you, I am a little kinky."

"No problem," she replies cautiously, "I can do little kinky."


So off they go to the girl's flat, where the German produces four large bedsprings and a duck caller.

"I vant zat you tie ze springs to each of your hans und knees."

The girl finds this most odd, but complies, fastening the springs as he had said, to her hands and knees.

"Now you vill get on your hans und knees."


She duly does this, balancing precariously on the springs.

"You vill please to blow zis kwacker as I make love to you."

She finds it odd, but figures it's harmless (and the guy is paying.)

She finds the secx is fantastic, as she is bounced all over the room by the
energetic German, all the time honking on the duck caller. The climax is
the most sensational that she has ever experienced and it is several minutes
before she has enough breath to say,

"That was totally amazing, what do you call that position ?"

"Ah," says the German . . ."zat is ze........
....
....
...
Four-sprung
Duck Technique."

 

[wallingd]

Never mind the jokes WATCH THIS!!!!!!!!!!: http://www.nasa.gov/multimedia/nasatv/live_tv.html