Airline Humor

[Limited Edition]

Here are some conversations that airline passengers normally will never hear. The following are accounts of actual exchanges between airline pilots and control towers from around the world.




While taxiing at London Gatwick Airport, the crew of a US Air flight departing for Ft. Lauderdale made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727.


An irate female ground controller lashed out at the US Air crew, screaming: "US Air 2771, where the hell are you going?! I told you to turn right onto Charlie taxiway! You turned right on Delta! Stop right there. I know it's difficult for you to tell the difference between C and D, but get it right!" Continuing her rage to the embarrassed crew, she was now shouting hysterically: "God! Now you've screwed everything up! It'll take forever to sort this out! You stay right there and don't move till I tell you to! You can expect progressive taxi instructions in about half an hour and I want you to go exactly where I tell you, when I tell you, and how I tell you! You got that, US Air 2771?"



"Yes ma'am," the humbled crew responded.



Naturally, the ground control communications frequency fell terribly silent after the verbal bashing of US Air 2771. Nobody wanted to chance engaging the irate ground controller in her current state of mind. Tension in every cockpit out in Gatwick was definitely running high.



Just then an unknown pilot broke the silence and keyed his microphone, asking: Wasn't I married to you once?"



====================================



A DC-10 had come in a little hot and thus had an exceedingly long roll out after touching down. San Jose Tower Noted: "American 751, make a hard right turn at the end of the runway, if you are able. If you are not able, take the Guadalupe exit off Highway 101, make a right at the lights and return to the airport."



====================================

From an unknown aircraft waiting in a very long takeoff queue: "I'm f...ing bored!"



Ground Traffic Control: "Last aircraft transmitting, identify yourself immediately!"



Unknown aircraft: "I said I was f...ing bored, not f...ing stupid!"



====================================



Tower: "Eastern 702, cleared for takeoff, contact Departure on frequency

124.7"



Eastern 702: "Tower, Eastern 702 switching to Departure. By the way, after we lifted off we saw some kind of dead animal on the far end of the runway."



Tower: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff behind Eastern 702, contact Departure on frequency 124.7. Did you copy that report from Eastern

702?"



Continental 635: "Continental 635, cleared for takeoff, roger; and yes, we copied Eastern... we've already notified our caterers"



====================================



The German air controllers at Frankfurt Airport are renowned as a short-tempered lot. They not only expect one to know one's gate parking location, but how to get there without any assistance from them. So it was with some amusement that we (a Pan Am 747) listened to the following exchange between Frankfurt ground control and a British Airways 747, call sign Speedbird 206"



Speedbird 206: "Frankfurt, Speedbird 206 clear of active runway."



Ground: "Speedbird 206. Taxi to gate Alpha One-Seven."



The BA 747 pulled onto the main taxiway and slowed to a stop Ground:



"Speedbird, do you not know where you are going?"



Speedbird 206: "Stand by, Ground, I'm looking up our gate location now."



Ground (with quite arrogant impatience): "Speedbird 206, have you not been to Frankfurt before?"





Speedbird 206 (coolly): "Yes, twice in 1944 -- but I didn't land."





====================================


O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329 heavy, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles, Eastbound."



United 239: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this... I've got the little Fokker in sight."



====================================



A Pan Am 727 flight waiting for start clearance in Munich overheard the following:



Lufthansa (in German): "Ground, what is our start clearance time?"



Ground (in English): "If you want an answer you must speak in English."



Lufthansa (in English): "I am a German, flying a German airplane, in Germany. Why must I speak English?"



Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

 

[RichardM]

Some of those are good!

 

[marcos]

Lol, very good.

 

[mapleleaf]

thanks for making me chuckle

I hope my German friends dont read this forum !

 

[pammy]

Like them - here's a similar one:-

This is the transcript of the ACTUAL radio conversation of a US Naval ship
and the Canadians, off the coast of Newfoundland, Oct 95. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations.

CANADIANS: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the south, to
avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North,
to avoid a collision.

CANADIANS: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees
to the south to avoid a collision.

AMERICANS: This is the Captian of a US Navy ship. I say again ,
divert YOUR course.

CANADIANS: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert your course.

AMERICANS: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER US LINCOLN. THE SECOND
LARGEST SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE
ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS
SUPPORT VESSELS.DEMAND THAT YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE
15 DEGREES NORTH, SAY AGAIN, THAT'S 15 DEGREES NORTH, OR
COUNTERMEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF
THIS SHIP!
....
.....
.....
.....
.....
......
.....
.....
......
.....
.....
CANADIANS:
We are a lighthouse. Your call.

 

[Steve_Perry]

Those were excellent

S.

 

[Jukie]

Quality

 

[vito113]

Quality, passing it on!

Unknown voice from another plane (in a beautiful British accent): "Because you lost the bloody war."

Some really good ones here! especially about ze germans…

On a similar line, a story went round recently at MoD were I work about a recent exercise involving a British Armoured Regiment and ze Germans…

The Brits and the Bundeswehr were playing War Games, and had swopped over some Officers so they could see how the other side worked.

At a briefing a German Army Captain was interupting a British Captain who was outlining his plan of attack. "Well If I were you I would not do that…" opined the German Officer, at which the British Captain, who was getting a bit peeved at the Germans habit of butting in, looked up and said in a classic public school voice…

"so tell me, how many wars have your chaps won recently?"

There was a very large German sense of humour failure

Andy

 

[scotth_uk]

Excerpted from "Sled Driver," by SR-71/Blackbird pilot Brian Shul:

I'll always remember a certain radio exchange that occurred one day as Walt and I were screaming across southern California 13 miles high. We were monitoring various radio transmissions from other aircraft as we entered Los Angeles Center's airspace. Though they didn't really control us, they did monitor our movement across their scope.

I heard a Cessna ask for a readout of its groundspeed. "90 knots," Center replied.

Moments later a Twin Beech required the same. "120 knots," Center answered.

We weren't the only ones proud of our speed that day, as almost instantly an F-18 smugly transmitted, "Ah, Center, Dusty 52 requests groundspeed readout." There was a slight pause. "525 knots on the ground, Dusty."

Another silent pause. As I was thinking to myself how ripe a situation this was, I heard the familiar click of a radio transmission coming from my back-seater. It was at that precise moment I realized Walt and I had become a real crew, for we were both thinking in unison.

"Center, Aspen 20, you got a groundspeed readout for us?" There was a longer-than-normal pause. "Aspen, I show one thousand seven hundred forty-two knots." No further inquiries were heard on that frequency.

 

[Limited Edition]

After every flight, pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humor.

Here are some actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution recorded by maintenance engineers. By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

(P = The problem logged by the pilot.) (S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)

-----------
P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

-----------
P: Test flight OK! , except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

---------------
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.

------------------
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.

-------------------
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

-------------------
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

----------------------
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

-------------------
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.

-----------------
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

-----------------
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

------------------
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.

-----------------
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.

------------------
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

-------------------
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.

-----------------
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.

 

[Aswall]

Pure class

Cheers
Andy

 

[Limited Edition]

Christian question alarms flight

An American Airlines pilot terrified passengers when he asked Christians to identify themselves and allegedly went on to call non-Christians "crazy".

Some passengers on the flight from Los Angeles to New York were so worried they tried to call relatives on their mobile phones.

The pilot, whose name was not released, asked Christians on Friday's flight to raise their hands.

He then suggested non-Christians talk to the Christians about their faith.

He went on to say that "everyone who doesn't have their hand raised is crazy", passenger Amanda Nelligan told CBS news.

"He continued to say, 'Well, you have a choice: you can make this trip worthwhile, or you can sit back, read a book and watch the movie'," she said.

The pilot also told passengers he would be available for discussion at the end of the flight.

A spokesman for American Airlines said later that the pilot denied using the word "crazy".

Ms Nelligan said passengers had thought the pilot's behaviour was "bizarre" and wondered whether his comments were a threat.

Flight attendants notified ground control.

American Airlines spokesman Tim Wagner said the incident was being investigated.

"It falls along the lines of a personal level of sharing that may not be appropriate for one of our employees to do while on the job," he added.


http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/americas/3472265.stm

 

[pluggers]

ROLMAO

 

[Ian B Walker]

First time I flew with Saudia AirlinesI heard just before take off the captain mumbling something into the aircraft. I asked a fellow traveller what it was and he replied that the Captain was praying. Like a fool I asked why and he told me he would translate. His forst words were.....Dear God please teach me how to get this aircraft off the runway. I remained transfixed for the rest of the flight, white knuckle job.

 

[mayoga]

>> By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

Actually in 1927 Qantas did have a crash and 3 people died!

Gav ;-)

 

[pepper&boulou]

First time I flew with Saudia AirlinesI heard just before take off the captain mumbling something into the aircraft. I asked a fellow traveller what it was and he replied that the Captain was praying. Like a fool I asked why and he told me he would translate. His forst words were.....Dear God please teach me how to get this aircraft off the runway. I remained transfixed for the rest of the flight, white knuckle job.

Absolutly Fabulous

 

[Satch]

Scott Bender of Philadelphia sued U.S. Airways for negligence, claiming he thought the plane he was on had crashed and he was dead after the crew left him asleep on the aircraft. It was really dark, said his lawyer, and Bender "didn't know if he was alive or dead"–it turned out the former.

("Man thought he was dead, sues airline," The Birmingham (Alabama) News)