Am I being bad ?

Discussion in 'OT (OFF Topic) Forums' started by Pontoneer, Aug 9, 2018.

  1. Pontoneer

    Pontoneer MB Club Veteran

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    As I alluded to a little over a month ago , my mum passed away at the end of June .

    I've been away from my home town for a number of decades , but back there to make funeral arrangements and to start clearing out my mum's house with a view to putting it on the market and sharing the proceeds between myself and my sisters .

    During the process , I met up with an old school friend , who had been one of my best mates , and he in turn put me back in touch with this lady ( now 60 years old , as am I ) who had been a childhood sweetheart since we went to primary school together from age 5 . We haven't seen each other for more than 40 years ; both of us have gone in different directions in which life has taken us , and we each are happily settled in good relationships with our respective families and partners .

    While nothing untoward is ever likely to happen we have exchanged a number of emails and fond memories , and I've proposed to meet up - just for a coffee and a chat .

    Is this terribly wrong - or is it fraught with danger ?

    We were both 16 when we last met , and she was the love of my life back then , now we are both 60 , and settled in happy relationships with children ...

    I have no intention on cheating on my partner , who I love dearly , and I'm sure it is the same on the other side ...
     
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  2. kianok

    kianok Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Deirdre says.....

    I think you have to think about your current partner and how she might feel about you meeting up with an old flame as innocent as it may be.

    Is it worth causing potential upset over nothing?

    On the other hand, is she fit?
     
  3. OP
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    Pontoneer

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    I've tossed both these things over in my mind .

    Both are lovely ; think Purdey - Joanna Lumley ( my current partner ) vs Daryl Hannah .....

    and I'm a fat slob
     
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  4. SL500AMG

    SL500AMG Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Deirdre's advice is spot on.


    Sent from my SM-G955F using Tapatalk
     
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  5. OP
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    Pontoneer

    Pontoneer MB Club Veteran

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    I think I'll tell her ladyship before I meet my old friend .

    Her ladyship met an ex while we were together and I trusted her and was OK with it ...
     
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  6. WDB124066

    WDB124066 MB Club Veteran

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    Nothing wrong with a walk down memory lane but make sure you know how to put the cork right back in the bottle should you find yourself with "alcoholic tendancies", and that can be very hard to do!
     
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  7. kianok

    kianok Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Just to add... losing a parent is a massive event that I can only imagine.

    Things like this can alter your normal judgement.

    Take plenty of moments to sit back and think about what your are doing.
     
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  8. OP
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    Pontoneer

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    I have already been off work for 3 months due to work related stress , so my mind is not its normal self .

    All the same , my morals and ethics are , I think , strong enough that this won't amount to anything beyond some fond exchange of happy memories .

    Had circumstances been different and we'd met before we met our respective current partners ???

    But I do pride myself on the fact that , although I've had my fair share of girlfriends down the years , I've NEVER cheated on anyone at any time .
     
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  9. markjay

    markjay MB Club Veteran

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    I take it her ladyship does not share your interest in motoring forums.
     
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  10. OP
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    Pontoneer

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    Thankfully , she doesn't .
     
  11. kianok

    kianok Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Mate, I’d leave it alone until the storm has passed is my best advice.

    I’m sure you’ll look at things differently then.
     
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  12. OP
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    Pontoneer

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    Well , it won't happen before next week at the earliest , and I'm inclined to make it a coffee at lunchtime , which isn't likely to lead to anything further .

    All the same I'll look back here to see what the consensus is ...

    I do know the lady in question quite well , it has to be bourne in mind , and I'm pretty sure her motives , morals and ethics are pretty much the same as mine .
     
  13. Patagonian

    Patagonian Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    I lost contact with almost all my teen years friends when I moved overseas, and gradually, since I joined FB, they've started to come back into my life. Mostly female it has to be said and consequently I've been trying to make sure I add as many old male friends as possible.

    It's been interesting. First of all I tell my wife everything and let her read correspondence if she wants to - she declines, but we have an open screen policy in the house, so no secrets in that respect. I also suggest we meet up as a four or six, especially those in Portsmouth, where we regularly walk the pooch - tomorrow for example. That hasn't happened yet, but the fact it's on the table removes any suspicion from respective partners. As far as I can tell.

    One thing I do feel uncomfortable about is the huge jump from the memories of then, to now. I'm almost 59 and left the UK over 40 years ago (I'm back now obviously). But the people I remember, when I see them again, are generally, as expected, very different. But there are others who, well, it's uncanny, voices, hair, mannerisms, nothing has changed and it's as though 40 years hadn't passed at all.

    They wouldn't say that about me though and I often wonder what they think when they see the now incredible hulk for the first time in more than a generation. But from my perspective it's weird and lovely all at the same time. Many of the above teen friendships were formed in '76, so this recent weather has reminded me of those wild times on Southsea beach when it was equally as hot.

    One final thing to mention is that whenever I mention my female friends to my wife, I always prefix their names with 'my friend'. So it's my friend Tracy did this, or my friend Alison did that. But strangely, when I am talking about male friends from the same era, I drop the prefix and just call them by their name. I guess I'm thinking that by adding the prefix my friend means she's, not my girl friend. Or something like that. :dk:

    Difficult one @Pontoneer. No right or wrong in my view. Just need to be open about actions and intentions. As best you can.
     
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  14. Smart320

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    I am in agreement with Patagonian.
    My best friend is female, I have known her for over 40 years and she has met and also been friends with all three of my wives during that time. She was married when we met , she was a next door neighbour for a short time during my first marriage and we kept in touch when I moved away.

    She was widowed about 2 years ago and subsequently I have spent a night alone in her house ( in the guest room) on a couple of occasions and neither my wife or her 3 grownup children were in the least surprised or worried.
    BUT , the difference is that there never has been any romantic attachment at any time in our relationship and even though she is still an attractive woman ( for 75 + years )there never would be anything but friendship.

    Meeting an ex sweetheart, especially one you have stated was ' the love of your life ' is very different, no matter what you might think , especially in your current mental state after your bereavement.
    If I was in your position I would at least be making sure my wife was fully in the picture about the idea and was totally happy with it, make the meeting for coffee and during the day, or even better park the idea of meeting for a while until you feeling back to normal. You may well have a different view about it in a few months time!
    Good luck with whatever decision you make and I hope all works out well for you over this difficult time.
     
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  15. PXW

    PXW Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Not bad, but not necessarily wise. The issues, as far as I can see, are that you are not in your normal state of mind, and this is an old flame. Your relationship with her was also presumably at a time when your mother was well, so there may be conflation of fondness for this woman with grief. Whatever the intentions, the chances of stirring up something are quite high - and even if not acted upon, I wonder whether that's an emotional pressure you need right now. As a wise preacher once said, what you feed grows.

    ATB
     
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  16. toolman1954

    toolman1954 Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Derek,
    I am sorry to hear about your Mum. I lost my my Mum at the end of June 2017, although in my mind I had said goodbye some months before when the dementia dictated she no longer knew me anymore. However it was a month or 2 later before it kicked in that I was not going to see her any more. Even if I did not always get on with her she was still your Mum.
    In your current state of mind you are now you are quite vulnerable and with the best intentions we males, do not always think with our head. Already by now you have gone down a rocky road by exchanging emails etc. If you value your relationship, which I am sure you do, now is the time to tell your wife of the emails and that a possible meeting could take place. Ask her if she minds or even wants to come, try to word it as if it could be her suggestion. "Would you think a meeting with X might be a good idea ".
    Women are such strange creatures, the red veil of jealousy and anxiety gets activated when their relationship is threatened. Just watch their faces should you erroneously mention an old girlfriend, or the words sister and bed in the same sentence, they always think the very worst.
    Keep it from her if you must, but she WILL find out, you will come back from the meeting feeling very guilty, and they sense this, and then nag nag nag. How they do it, I don't know, but mate, just do not risk it. I am sure worded correctly, she will agree to a meeting, she trusts you implicitly, but make sure she knows your every movement. Leave nothing to get her concerned, and all will be hunky dory. It becomes a different ball game when you are older !
    Just my 6d worth, and again, sorry about your Mum.

    Steve.
     
  17. Darrell

    Darrell Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    It’s all well and good to reminisce but you could be putting yourself in a very awkward situation to which nobody will come out as happy.

    Leave it and look at it as one of those ‘what if’ moments.
     
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  18. Scott_F

    Scott_F Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    I wouldn't necessarily tell the missus - she may react badly and be forever suspicious of you for the sake of a brief coffee and a chat which was no more than that.

    You're in a tough position at the moment and the chance to escape your current problems and talk about happier times with someone from your past is obviously appealing and may also prove to be a therapeutic and cathartic experience.

    And there are times when we all need some excitement and to enjoy just the possibility that something could happen even though it won't - that little bit of risk, the buzz, the what if, the change of scene.

    Spice up your life.......
     
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  19. Headhurts

    Headhurts Hardcore MB Enthusiast

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    Nooooooo!

    The love of your life is your present wife and with time passing we can romanticise past relationships.

    If you feel confident that saying to your wife I’m off to have a coffee with a past girlfriend I had deep feelings for and your wife does not mind then great.

    But never trust that a woman who says she is fine with something actually is fine with it.

    I know in the same circumstances my wife would not be fine with it neither would I be if the roles were reversed.

    I hope I don’t come across too harsh but we are men and really cannot trust ourselves to act sensibly with members of the opposite sex whom we fancy or have past feelings for.

    Robin
     
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  20. d w124

    d w124 MB Club Veteran

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    I see nothing wrong here
    That's a bad idea I think.....what if she found out,then she'll think something is/was going on
     

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