Anyone know any good BMW jokes?

[trando]

A couple of M5 driving colleagues need putting in their places.....

 

[d w124]

Its just a shame that BMW drivers dont spec indicators along with their air con & 20 inch alloys when ordering a new car









indicators come as standard, only so they can tell that the alarm works, its the indcator stalk thats the optional extra

 

[iscaboy]

The 3 series.

Ford Cortina by any other name.

 

[d w124]

This one is very long though

Dear New BMW Owner:

Congratulations on the purchase of your new automobile! We're sure that
it will provide you with the utmost in driving pleasure and lifestyle
enhancement.

However, we must inform you that there are certain minimum requirements
that a BMW customer must meet in order to retain ownership of his or her
vehicle. Specifically, as a first time owner, you must take and pass the
following classes, offered by your local BMW dealer:

* ARR 101 -- Arrogance
A six week course explaining the details of driving habits, posture,
clothing, and other details that all lead to the arrogant appearance
and demeanor that all BMW owners must present. $800/person

* AGG 101 -- Aggressiveness
Six weeks of hands-on experience in tailgating, rapid unsignaled lane
changes, speeding, and hard breaking. When you complete this course
you'll be able to merge your car into the tiniest available spot on the
freeway and cause everyone around you to know a BMW just entered the
road, even if they couldn't see you at the time. $1000/person

* BUD 101 -- Budgeting To Make Your Car Payment
Twelve weeks. $1500/person

If this is a second (or later) BMW, then our requirements include:

* ARR 102 -- Arrogance Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on arrogance. $650/person

* AGG 102 -- Aggressiveness Refresher
Three weeks of refresher course on aggressiveness. $850/person

* BUD 102 -- Additional Budgeting Skills
12 weeks. This course covers additional budgeting skills including:
* How to buy your teenage child his or her first BMW and
still make the payment on your own.
* The home equity loan -- your friend.
* Selling your house to pay for your car -- you can do it.
* Paying for your BMW owner training classes -- yes, you have to.
$1500/person

These classes must be completed successfully during your first 3 months of
ownership, or we will be forced to repossess your car.

In addition, we offer other classes that you may be interested in taking.
These include:

* LIF 101 -- Living Where Other BMW Owners Live
How to find those neighborhoods where your fellow BMW owners already live.
Three weeks. $500/person

* MAI 101 -- BMW Maintenance
Four weeks. Basic training in how to open your wallet to pay BMW
mechanics seven times the going hourly rate to fix your car when it
breaks. $750/person

* MAI 201 -- Advanced BMW Maintenance
Eight weeks. Admission to this class requires instructor approval.
Hypno-therapy to ease the process of opening the wallet of really
tough customers.

Please contact your BMW dealer to enroll in your required classes, and
in any of the voluntary classes that appeal to you.

Once again, we appreciate your business! Happy Driving!

 

[Frank O' Phile]

The only good thing about BMW...

Bob
Marley & the
Wailers

 

[WDB124066]

What's a BMW?

 

[Sonny Burnett]

in essex there called

Braintree
Mofo'n
Whiteboys

cars?! lol

oh so you got a 5 series great great.. so that means you also have a head gasket on order then.

 

[Oily Rag]

What you talking about, EVERY BMW's a joke.

 

[AnilS]

I love my BMW more than my SL

 

[d w124]

I love my BMW more than my SL

This joke is very easy to understand and is not funny though

 

[Rich27]

Bit Sweary, sorry.

 

[martin_a]

BMW jokes?

The 316 compact. Yeowch.

m.

 

[Sonny Burnett]

what you talking about, every bmw's a joke.

+1

 

[kwakdonut]

The original 1 Series.....



oh, and the Z3 hard top! What a fugly car........

 

[Ted]

Surprised nobody's mentioned the X6
Now THAT has to be a joke.

 

[kwakdonut]

Surprised nobody's mentioned the X6
Now THAT has to be a joke.

All the 'X's' are a joke!! The X1 FFS, what's the point?!!

 

[trando]

you guys are great - keep em coming.......

Thanks!

 

[martin_a]

you guys are great - keep em coming.......

Thanks!

What's the smallest part in a bmw?

The driver's ****

.......

A chicken and a horse playing together in a barn yard. Suddenly the horse falls into a pit. He yells to the chicken, "Go get the farmer,save me, save me!!!" The chicken goes looking for the farmer but can't find him. So he gets the farmer's bmw and drives it over to the mud pit, lassos the horse, ties it to the car and pulls him out. The horse says,"Thank you, Thank you, I owe you my life..."

Then a couple days later they're playing again and this time the chicken falls into the pit and the chicken says, "Help me Help me!!! Go get the farmer!!!" The horse looks everywhere, but he can't find the farmer, and he then says to the chicken, "Its, OK, I think I can get you out on my own." The horse stretches across the mud pit and tells the chicken, "Grab onto my ****." The chicken grabs on, the horse stretches back, and the horse
saves the chickens' life.

So what's the moral of the story?

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a bmw to pick up chicks.

.......

Why won't bmw drivers ever make anyone pregnant?

Because they pull out no matter what.

m.

 

[bh13coupe]

a mid 1980's 518i, I recall the figures in the back of Car magazine of that era quoted 0-60 13.7 secs top speed 108Mph

now that is a joke!!!

 

[trando]

If you're hung like a horse, you don't need a bmw to pick up chicks.

Perfect!