and MyHermes

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MB Enthusiast
Sep 14, 2004
between Uxbridge and the Alps
x254, G350, Duster, S320, Mach1, 900ss and a few more
I've just had the most infuriating chat with myhermes ("courier" company - if you can call them that...)

They left a card at my house (I work during the day); telling me they would try to redeliver tomorrow.

So I called them up and asked to collect the parcel from the depot; or worst case, to leave it with a neighbour.

I was told (and I copy/paste)
Richard: I have checked our tracking systems and can confirm these parcels had been sent via JDS,
Richard: You will need to contact their Customer Service team.
[... some queries around who JDS are as I haven't ordered from JDS ...]
M: I'm asking about collecting my parcel from Hermes
M: or getting hermes to deliver my parcel to my neighbour
Richard: I am sorry we are unable to provide this information, it will be necessary for you to contact the JDS for further queries.

So I called Blacks, (owned by JDS), who informed me that this is wrong.

Helpfully, they offered to email myHermes, but couldn't guarantee their email would be read as "they are a law unto themselves". Also helpfully, they said that if the parcel got returned to them, they would refund me, and I could opt for saturday or evening delivery when re-ordering (obviously paying more). Great.

So I tried calling myHermes helpline (0330 333 6556 option 1 - try it if you want) to hear a recorded message saying that they cannot discuss delivering your parcel with you; then it hangs up.


I guess I won't be ordering from blacks anymore (or anyone who uses hermes)...

Grumble... now I need to find some dry-compression sacks by Friday...

Blacks offer a new day evening delivery service. Might be worth checking out the various options if you're not around during the day?
I work for Johnlewis.Com and we sometimes use Hermes to deliver parcels. Anywhere that CityLink, Yodel, DX, or DHL can't deliver to we use Hermes and I legitimately think they have never delivered a parcel without causing a farce for the customer.

Some of the things I have to deal with because of Hermes is literary... well you couldn't write it!! They are a pathetic excuse for a courier! Don't understand why such a reputable retailer like John Lewis even goes near them.
Obviously when ordering goods we have little say about which courrier is used, but when shipping goods to clients we use TNT - have done for over 12 years now - and they are brilliant.
Round here they seem to be a front for individuals delivering parcels in their own vehicles but when I've been out the card left has a mobile number on it and you can then ring the "courier" direct and agree a time that works. I've done this and got them to leave at a neighbours for me.
Use YODEL. This is the modern day equivalent of "Hide & Seek". Once your parcel has disappeared (some say been stolen) you can include your family in a game of "Hunt The Person Who Knows What's Going On In Yodel". To participate in this game you need:

Multiple working telephones
Participants who enjoy extreme sleep deprivation
Large reserves of cash to pay your telephone bill
Unlimited free time to spend on the telephone

The rules are fairly simple.

The first person to actually get to speak to a living YODEL representative on the telephone gets a bonus point.

If the YODEL representative knows where your parcel is - You are disqualified as this is obviously a made up claim. You have to actually see the goods in your hands to claim a prize.

If YODEL refer you to their "Lost property Department" This is a large island floating off the coast of Never Never Land and they say they have your goods? You get bonus points if you can get them to describe your goods to you. Extra points will be awarded for promised delivery dates of your goods - The shorter the new delivery date the more outrageous the points on offer will become.

Bonus points can be gained by repeating (without laughing) YODELS excuses for losing your your stuff. WARNING. A big Lion ate it. A bigger boy stole it, does not count it is repetition and silly - Do not accept that as a real reason for loss.

We tried to deliver it whilst you sat at the front door all day watching.
We cannot be seen on CCTV - we are cloaked in an invisible shield.
It sprang out of the drivers hands and flew over your back wall all on it's own.
A big bird flew down and stole it.

These are all acceptable excuses and may be used.

100 extra bonus points are awarded if you get the mythical golden "we tried to deliver card" This card is only left when you have left your viewing point - covering all entrances to your property. It is usually left in the mind of the YODEL rep. They will spend hours telling you that they left a card and you must have missed it, and the parcel as well as their van and the driver.

The game can go on for weeks as you encounter more and more outrageously funny tales about the travels of your parcel. Dependent on your financial ability to pay your telephone bill you may want to extend the game by complaining to YODEL head office. An office guarded by Unicorns and great sea monsters reached only by telephone on a lottery basis. Known to some as the Island of Porky Pie, you will be put through to some of the greatest and funniest story tellers of our time.

Sit back and prepare to here classics like:

Maybe your goods were not wrapped properly.
Are you sure they were sent via YODEL.
Are you sure your car is a not a three wheeler (used to explain the missing wheel)

The winning player is the one with the least wee in their pants from laughing (or crying)
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You're covered by Distance Sales Regulations under The Sale of Goods Act...the seller is responsible for chasing their carrier, ask them to so do.

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