Complaint to the Police

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st13phil

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This has done the e-mail rounds and has appeared on a couple of forums, but is still amusing...
Dear Sir/madam/automated telephone answering service

Having spent the past twenty minutes waiting for someone at Leith police station to pick up a telephone I have decided to abandon the idea and try e-mailing you instead. Perhaps you would be so kind as to pass this message on to your colleagues in Leith by means of smoke signal, carrier pigeon or ouji board.

As I'm writing this e-mail there are eleven failed medical experiments (I think you call them youths) in West Cromwell Street which is just off Commercial Street in Leith. Six of them seem happy enough to play a game which involves kicking a football against an iron gate with the force of a meteorite. This causes an earth shattering CLANG! Which rings throughout the entire building. This game is now in it's third week and as I am unsure how the scoring system works, I have no idea if it will end any time soon.

The remaining five walking abortions are happily rummaging through several bags of rubbish and items of furniture that someone has so thoughtfully dumped beside the wheelie bins. One of them has found a saw and is setting about a discarded chair like a beaver on speed. I fear that it's only a matter of time before they turn their limited attention to the bottle of calor gas that is lying on it's side between the two bins. If they could be relied on to only blow their own arms and legs off then I would happily leave them to it. I would even go so far as to lend them the matches. Unfortunately they are far more likely to blow up half the street with them and I've just finished decorating the kitchen.

What I suggest is this. After replying to this e-mail with worthless assurances that the matter is being looked into and will be dealt with, why not leave it until the one night of the year (probably bath night) when there are no mutants around then drive up the street in a panda car before doing a three point turn and disappearing again. This will of course serve no other purpose than to remind us what policemen actually look like.

I trust that when I take a claw-hammer to the skull of one of these throwbacks you'll do me the same courtesy of giving me a four month head start before coming to arrest me.

I remain sir, your obedient servant
Graeme McLeish

*************************************************

Mr McLeish

I have read your e-mail and understand you frustration at the problems caused by youth playing in the area and the problems you have encountered in trying to contact the police. As the Community Beat Officer for your street I would like to extend an offer of discussing the matter fully with you. Should you wish to discuss the matter, please provide contact details (address / telephone number) and when may be suitable.

Regards
PC 387
Community Beat Officer

*************************************************

Dear PC 387

First of all I would like to thank you for the speedy response to my original e-mail. 16 hours and 38 minutes must be a personal record for Leith Police station and rest assured that I will forward these details to Norris McWhirter for inclusion in his next book.

Secondly I was delighted to hear that our street has it's own community beat officer. May I be the first to congratulate you on your covert skills. In the five or so years I have lived in West Cromwell Street, I have never seen you. Do you hide up a tree or have you gone deep undercover and infiltrated the gang itself? Are you the one with the acne and the moustache on his forehead or the one with a chin like a wash hand basin? It's surely only a matter of time before you are head-hunted by MI5.

Whilst I realise that there may be far more serious crimes taking place in Leith such as smoking in a public place or being Muslim without due care and attention, is it too much to ask for a policeman to explain (using words of no more than two syllables at a time) to these t***s that they might want to play their strange football game elsewhere? The pitch behind the Citadel or the one at DK's are both within spitting distance, as is the bottom of the Leith Dock.

Should you wish to discuss these matters further you should feel free to contact me on 557 0890 If after 25 minutes I have still failed to answer, I'll buy you a large one in the Compass Bar.

Regards
Graeme McLeish

P.S If you think that this is sarcasm, think yourself lucky that you don't work for the cleansing department.
 
And for once, it is actually real.
There was a big enquiry to find out who leaked the story to the press & disciplinary action was sure to follow.

Russ
 
"Walking abortions"
"Beaver on speed"
"Being Muslim without due care and attention"

Priceless!!
 
Allegedly True Story:

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started slowly to clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, f***in stop doin' it then, ya evil b*****d!"

Russ
 
Allegedly True Story:

Bono, lead singer of the rock band U2, is famous throughout the entertainment industry for being more than just a little self-righteous.

At a recent U2 concert in Glasgow, he asked the audience for total quiet. Then, in the silence, he started slowly to clap his hands once every few seconds. Holding the audience in total silence, he said into the microphone "Every time I clap my hands, a child in Africa dies"

From the front of the crowd a voice with a broad Scottish accent pierced the quiet...
"Well, f***in stop doin' it then, ya evil b*****d!"

Russ

They do so killing comedians is a Friday night sport in Glesga....:D :D
 
Did they issue a press release

Some inspector read a statement on the news a couple of days after the last clip was aired.

Russ
 

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