Engineers

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Understanding Engineers #1



Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"



The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."



The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."



Understanding Engineers #2




To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.



Understanding Engineers #3



A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"


The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!"


The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"



The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"



The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."



The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."



The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"



Understanding Engineers #4



What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.



Understanding Engineers #5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?"



The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"



The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?>



The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"



Understanding Engineers #6



Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.



One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."



Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."



The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"



Understanding Engineers #7



Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.



Understanding Engineers #8



An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess."



He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.


The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."



The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.



The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."



Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.



Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"



The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."



And Finally



Two engineers???



Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.



A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.



"We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder."



The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.



One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"



Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently MPs in parliament!





































 
An engineer - Someone who takes up a whole page on a forum to make one post.
 
Sorry it was a copy and paste, didn't check it.
I hope it hasn't ruined your life completely.
 
understanding engineers #1



two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "where did you get such a great bike?"



the second engineer replied, "well, i was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "take what you want."



the first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

The politician says - "I did not have sexual relations with that woman"



understanding engineers #2




to the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

The politician says "Mine's a pint thanks"



understanding engineers #3



a priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers.
the engineer fumed, "what's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!"


the doctor chimed in, "i don't know, but i've never seen such inept golf!"


the priest said, "here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." he said, "hello george, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"



the greens-keeper replied, "oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!"



the group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "that's so sad. I think i will say a special prayer for them tonight."



the doctor said, "good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them."



the engineer said, "why can't they play at night?"

The politician says "I am genuinely appalled by this situation, but lets get them quietly blackballed at the next committe meeting"



understanding engineers #4



what is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.

The Politician says "Civilian casualties are inevitable in any conflict but they started it"



understanding engineers #5
the graduate with a science degree asks, "why does it work?"



the graduate with an engineering degree asks, "how does it work?"



the graduate with an accounting degree asks, "how much will it cost?>



the graduate with an arts degree asks, "do you want fries with that?"

The politician says " This dilema patently needs a parliamentary subcommittee to decide this"



understanding engineers #6



three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body.



one said, "it was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints."



another said, "no, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections."



the last one said, "no, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

The politician says "I have no idea where that picture of the naked choirboy came from".



understanding engineers #7



normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

The politician says "Can I claim expenses for that"



understanding engineers #8



an engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "if you kiss me, i'll turn into a beautiful princess."



he bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket.


the frog spoke up again and said, "if you kiss me, i'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week."



the engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket.



the frog then cried out, "if you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, i'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want."



again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket.



finally, the frog asked, "what is the matter? I've told you i'm a beautiful princess and that i'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"



the engineer said, "look, i'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."

The politician says "wait till after the election"



and finally



two engineers???



two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top.



a woman walked by and asked what they were doing.



"we're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said sven, "but we don't have a ladder."



the woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away.



one engineer shook his head and laughed, "a lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!"



both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently mps in parliament!

The politician says "Excellent career choice"






































the politicians view
 
The old ones are the best :)
 
A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says, "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees North latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees West longitude."

"You must be an engineer," says the balloonist.

"I am," replies the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says, "You must be a manager"

"I am," replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well," says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going.
You have made a promise, which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."
 
A man is on a touring holiday in Ireland. It is getting dark, and he breaks down. He left his map at the B&B where he is staying, so has no idea at all where he is for the breakdown service to come to him. A politician on a walking holiday comes past, and the man says to him: "Do you know where I am?" The politician replies: "On a road in southern Ireland."

The man takes offence, and shouts at the politician: "You idiot! What the hell do you think you're doing? That's a bloody stupid, useless answer."

The politician replies: "On the contrary; from my point of view it is a perfect answer. It is short; it is accurate; it tells you nothing you do not know already."
 

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