Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics or Football please)

[Brian 1]

Missing wife

Husband went to the police station to report his missing wife missing...

Husband: My wife is missing. She went shopping yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant: What is her height?

Husband: Gee, I’m not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant: Weight?

Husband: Don’t know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant: Colour of eyes?

Husband: Never noticed.

Sergeant: Color of hair?

Husband: Changes a couple times a year. Maybe dark brown.

Sergeant: What was she wearing?

Husband: Could have been a skirt or shorts. I don’t remember exactly.

Sergeant: What kind of car did she go in?

Husband: She went in my sports car.

Sergeant: What kind of sports car was it?



Husband: Mercedes-Benz C63 AMG 6.3 7G-Tronic Edition 125 Coupe finished In Magnetite Black Metallic with Black Leather AMG Sport Seats and Brushed Aluminium plus Piano Black Cappings; Unmarked 19" AMG Multispoke Alloy Wheels; Tyre Pressure Monitoring; Panoramic Glass Electric Tilt/Slide Sunroof; COMAND Online with HDD Wide Screen Satellite Navigation, Bluetooth Telephone Connectivity, Multi-Media Interface (MP3, Ipod etc), Superb Sound System With DAB and Harman-Kardon Sound Upgrade; Leather Trimmed AMG Multi-Function Steering Wheel with Paddle Shift; Parktronic Front and Rear Parking Sensors; Parking Assist; Attention Assist; Speed Limit Assist; Electrically adjustable, heated door Mirrors with Powerfold; Electrically Adjustable with Heated Front Sport Seats with Memory; Electrically Adjustable Steering Column; Bi-Xenon Headlights with Powerwash and Auto Activation; LED Daytime Running Lights; Cruise Control; Rear Privacy Glass; AMG Carpet Overmats...



At this point the husband started choking up.

Sergeant: Don’t worry, pal. We’ll find your car...

 

[NDFR]

Not far from the truth I'm betting.

 

[olly398]

Someone at work just asked me for an innuendo, so I gave them one.

 

[olly398]

I bought my friend an elephant to keep in his room.
"thank you" he said
"don't mention it" I said

 

[olly398]

What do you call a racing driver who circles round lightbulbs?
Stirling Moth.

 

[olly398]

Why are pirates called pirates?

Because they aaaaarrrrrrggghhhhhh
(sorry)

 

[olly398]

My girlfriend said she was sick of me acting like I'm a detective and said we should split up

I said good idea, we can cover more ground that way...

 

[TKvS]

Most seniors never get enough exercise.

In His wisdom God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys and other things thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God saw there was another need.
In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things requiring them to bend, reach & stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good.

Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good.

So if you find as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it’s God’s will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.

 

[TKvS]

I rang up my mate the other night...he said 'I can't talk just now...I'm making love to twins' !

I said...'you lucky bar-steward...are they identical?'

'No...her brother's got a moustache' !!!

 

[Benzmanc]

Has anyone seen the movie Constipation?? No, I guess it's not out yet

 

[MD5]

Heard about the constipated Chancellor of the Exchequer? He couldn't budget!

 

[Bellow]

Heard about the constipated Chancellor of the Exchequer? He couldn't budget!

I heard he worked it out with a pencil.

 

[MD5]

I heard he worked it out with a pencil.

I thought that was the mathematician? Whoops, I forgot, he used logs (for those of us old enough)!

 

[moonloops]

Wife says to husband "Right I've had enough, if you come home drunk again I'm leaving you"

Husband is down the pub with his mates and pukes all over himself and says "Oh I'm in right trouble now, the wife is going to leave me!"

His mate says "Hey no problem, just keep a £20 note in your pocket and tell your wife that someone puked on you and gave you £20 to pay for the cleaning bill"

"Great" the husband says, let's have a few more drinks.

Later that evening the husband arrives at home and his wife pitches a fit saying "What the hell, just look at you, you're a mess"

Husband says "It wasn't me, another person puked on me - and look he gave me £20 to pay for the cleaning"

Wife says "Hang on - you have two £20 notes, what is the other £20 for?"

Husband says "Oh that's from the other bloke that shat in my pants"

 

[ioweddie]

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them. As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them. This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered:



(Continue below)




'THE TEETH.'

 

[ioweddie]

Two Texans were out on the range talking about their cavorted sex positions.
One said, "I think I enjoy the "Rodeo" position the best."
I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What
Is it?
Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from
Behind.
Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands and
Whisper in her ear........
"These feel just like your sister's""
Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.

 

[ioweddie]

Jewish grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.


"You come to the front door of the apartments. I am in apartment 301. There is a big panel at the front door. With your elbow, push button 301. I buzz you in. Come inside and elevator is on the right. Get in, and with your elbow, push 3rd Floor. When you get out, I'm on the left. With your elbow, hit my doorbell. OK?"
"Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ........
"What ... You're coming empty handed?"

 

[ioweddie]

Wise Italian Grandfather

An old Italian man in Brooklyn is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, "Guido, I wan' you lissina me. I wan' you to take-a my chrome plated ... 38 revolver, so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really don't like guns ... How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?"
"You lissina me, boy! Somma day you gonna be runna DA business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. "
"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. "Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, 'Times up!' "?

 

[ioweddie]

Irish blonde...

An attractive blonde from Cork, Ireland, arrived at the casino.
She seemed a little intoxicated and bet twenty thousand dollars in a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm completely nude."
With that, she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and with an Irish brogue yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!"
As the dice came to a stop, she jumped up and down and squealed. "Yes! Yes! I won, I won!" She hugged each of the dealers, picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?"
The other answered, "I don't know - I thought you were watching."

MORAL OF THE STORY

Not all Irish are drunks, not all blondes are dumb, ..
But all men ... Are men!
__________________________________________

 

[ioweddie]

Global Facts About Sex

At any given moment:
FACT: 79,000,000 people are having sex - right now.
FACT: 58,000,000 are kissing.
FACT: 37,000,000 are relaxing after having sex.
FACT: 1 old person is reading emails.

You hang in there, sunshine