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Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics or Football please)
- Thread starter Deleted member 37751
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- englishman girl jokes met
flying haggis
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2011
- Messages
- 2,024
- Location
- A house in Norfolk
- Car
- CLS shooting brake, SWMBO has B class
flying haggis
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2011
- Messages
- 2,024
- Location
- A house in Norfolk
- Car
- CLS shooting brake, SWMBO has B class
used to be Ainsley Harriot with that description
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2011
- Messages
- 14,632
- Location
- Near Salisbury
- Car
- MX5 1.8 Sport, Range Rover 5.0 SC, BMW X1
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2011
- Messages
- 14,632
- Location
- Near Salisbury
- Car
- MX5 1.8 Sport, Range Rover 5.0 SC, BMW X1
Interview today on Veganisum and health #notveganfriendly #carniyore #fyp #fypaustralia🇦🇺 #fypdenmark #animalrebellion #tatelangdon #farmerlife #bbqtiktok #toryoupage #gymtok #funnyvideos #farmtok #usa #trumptrain #nutrition #lifecoach #foryou #pe
579 Likes, 41 Comments. TikTok video from Not Vegan Friendly (@notveganfriendly): "Interview today on Veganisum and health #notveganfriendly #carniyore #fyp #fypaustralia🇦🇺 #fypdenmark #animalrebellion #tatelangdon #farmerlife #bbqtiktok #toryoupage #gymtok #funnyvideos #farmtok #usa...
vm.tiktok.com
- Joined
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- 14,632
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- Near Salisbury
- Car
- MX5 1.8 Sport, Range Rover 5.0 SC, BMW X1
Petrol Pete
Hardcore MB Enthusiast
Sorry to jump in but the next bit goes......
.. So I went over to play the fruit machine and it said to me '"Pi$$ off you fat ugly Ba$tard " , Barman said ' peanuts are complimentary, fruit machine is well out of order..'
35 years I’ve been married and always told the wife “don’t look in the safe”!
Well I was out one day and when I got home she’s says I’ve looked in the safe, there’s £40000 pounds and 3 eggs in there, what’s the eggs for?
I said well I buy an egg for every time I’m unfaithful to you!
She says only 3 times in 35 years that’s not bad.
Well I said every time I get to a dozen eggs I sell them! And that’s where the £40000 pounds came from!!!
RIP Jethro!
Well I was out one day and when I got home she’s says I’ve looked in the safe, there’s £40000 pounds and 3 eggs in there, what’s the eggs for?
I said well I buy an egg for every time I’m unfaithful to you!
She says only 3 times in 35 years that’s not bad.
Well I said every time I get to a dozen eggs I sell them! And that’s where the £40000 pounds came from!!!
RIP Jethro!
flying haggis
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Nov 8, 2011
- Messages
- 2,024
- Location
- A house in Norfolk
- Car
- CLS shooting brake, SWMBO has B class
I went round the corner to the dementia home to sing some Christmas songs in order to cheer them up
Though 'Do they know it's Christmas time?' didn't go down as well as I'd hoped.
Though 'Do they know it's Christmas time?' didn't go down as well as I'd hoped.
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2012
- Messages
- 1,987
- Location
- Winford Isle of Wight
- Car
- AMG Line Premier Plus Estate C220d
Lexophilia or Paraprosdokians:
1. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 & 4 don't know what happened to 3 & 4
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
1. A paraprosdokian is a figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected in a way that causes the reader or listener to re-frame or re-interpret the first part. It is frequently used for humorous or dramatic effect. For this reason, it is extremely popular among comedians and satirists.
2. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
3 & 4 don't know what happened to 3 & 4
5. The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
6. Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
7. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
8. We never really grow up; we only learn how to act in public.
9. War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
10. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
11. Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening' and then proceed to tell you why it isn't.
12. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
13. A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.
14. How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
15. Some people are like Slinkies ... not really good for anything, but you can't help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
16. Dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish.
17. I didn't say it was your fault; I said I was blaming you.
18. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars but check when you say the paint is wet?
19. Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
20. Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
21. A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
23. The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
24. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
25. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
26. Hospitality: making your guests feel like they're at home, even if you wish they were.
27. Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to live with.
28. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
29. I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
30. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
31. You're never too old to learn something stupid.
32. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
33. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.
34. Some people hear voices. Some see invisible people. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
35. A bus is a vehicle that runs twice as fast when you are after it as when you are in it.
36. If you are supposed to learn from your mistakes, why do some people have more than one child?
37. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2011
- Messages
- 14,632
- Location
- Near Salisbury
- Car
- MX5 1.8 Sport, Range Rover 5.0 SC, BMW X1
ALFAitalia
MB Enthusiast
- Joined
- Feb 19, 2022
- Messages
- 6,714
- Location
- Bognor Regis
- Car
- 2010 Mercedes W212 E Class E350 CDI Sport, 2006 Mercedes W169 A Class A170.
I did join a Constipation Support Group, but I haven't been for ages.
NJSS
Active Member
- Joined
- Aug 7, 2008
- Messages
- 932
- Location
- Near Petersfield, Hampshire.
- Car
- 2011 SL 350 Fire Opal Red|||2016 Land Rover Discovery|||1973 MGB GT V8|||1959 MGA Roadster
- Joined
- Jul 12, 2011
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- 14,632
- Location
- Near Salisbury
- Car
- MX5 1.8 Sport, Range Rover 5.0 SC, BMW X1
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