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ioweddie

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Copied from the other side

Years ago 2 of our engineers were visiting a German supplier and behind the desk was a picture of a Messerschmidt.
During the visit one of our (Scouser) engineers said, ' We've got one of those at the bottom of our garden!' .... Or so the story goes.
 

markjay

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The difference between the BBC and the Daily Mail....:

Screenshot-20210205-190923-Chrome.jpg
 

ioweddie

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On his 70th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction.

The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man. The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned 'This is a powerful medicine.

You take only a teaspoonful, and then say: '1-2-3.'
When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want."

The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: "How do I stop the medicine from working?"

"Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,' he responded,
"but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him inthe bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.
 

Peter103

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Two hippopotamuses walking aimlessly about the savanna bush.
One turned to the other and said,
You won't believe this, but I would have sworn it was wednesday.
 

ioweddie

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The teacher was telling the kids at a Primary school about the birds and bees and explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from it's nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and says to the teacher. "Are you sure about the stork miss. I think you're getting your birds mixed up, cause my older sister just had a baby and Dad said it was from a shag on the beach at Scarborough".
 

knighterrant

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The teacher was telling the kids at a Primary school about the birds and bees and explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from it's nest.

Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and says to the teacher. "Are you sure about the stork miss. I think you're getting your birds mixed up, cause my older sister just had a baby and Dad said it was from a shag on the beach at Scarborough".
Watching an old episode of “Outnumbered” today 11 year old Ben was pestering his parents to get a pet. After several suggestions were turned down he asked for a skunk. When his dad question why anybody would want a skunk, Ben replied that his friend Ibrahim told him that Oliver in Year 10 was selling skunk so why can’t he have one!

Earlier Ben nonchalantly commented that he was lucky because he’d only been mugged twice. Ibrahim had been mugged five times. On the last occasion he asked if he could get a loyalty card.
 

Happytalk73

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Watching an old episode of “Outnumbered” today 11 year old Ben was pestering his parents to get a pet. After several suggestions were turned down he asked for a skunk. When his dad question why anybody would want a skunk, Ben replied that his friend Ibrahim told him that Oliver in Year 10 was selling skunk so why can’t he have one!

Earlier Ben nonchalantly commented that he was lucky because he’d only been mugged twice. Ibrahim had been mugged five times. On the last occasion he asked if he could get a loyalty card.
Love Outnumbered. One of the most underrated things on TV. Very relatable to family life. 👏👏👏
 

ioweddie

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Nicked from the other side:
Phil's scrotum
The vicar asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers. Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I wish to express praise for an answered prayer. Two months ago, my husband, Phil, had a terrible motorcycle accident and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Phil must have experienced.
"Phil was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain. We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Phil's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Phil.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Phil is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief. The vicar rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Phil." The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife the word is sternum.
 

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