Even more new jokes...

NJSS

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I hope it doesn't cause offence - but I find "all capitals" difficult to read so have converted the above...

Man rules

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like northing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as mountain-bikes or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh...

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!
 

DSM10000

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I hope it doesn't cause offence - but I find "all capitals" difficult to read so have converted the above...
Good of you to spend the time, I received it in capitals and frankly could not be bothered to rewrite it.:cool:
 

knighterrant

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I hope it doesn't cause offence - but I find "all capitals" difficult to read so have converted the above...

Man rules

We always hear 'the rules' from the female side
Now here are the rules from the male side

These are our rules!

Please note. These are all numbered #1 on purpose!

1. Men are not mind readers.

1. Learn to work the toilet seat. You're a big girl. If it's up, put it down. We need it up, you need it down. You don't hear us complaining about you leaving it down.

1. Crying is blackmail.

1. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one:

Subtle hints do not work!
Strong hints do not work!
Obvious hints do not work!
Just say it!

1. Yes and no are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.

1.. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.

1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 days.

1. If you think you're fat, you probably are. Don't ask us.

1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.

1. You can either ask us to do something or tell us how you want it done. Not both.
If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.

1. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.

1. Christopher Columbus did not need directions and neither do we...

1. All men see in only 16 colours, like windows default settings..
Peach, for example, is a fruit, not a colour. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is.

1. If we ask what is wrong and you say 'nothing,' we will act like northing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, expect an answer you don't want to hear..

1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine...Really.

1.. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as mountain-bikes or motor sports.

1. You have enough clothes.

1 .. You have too many shoes.

1. I am in shape. Round is a shape!

1.. Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know, I have to sleep on the couch tonight.. But did you know men really don't mind that? It's like camping...

Pass this to as many men as you can - to give them a laugh...

Pass this to as many women as you can - to give them a bigger laugh, because its true!
Why didn’t you do that before I ploughed through all those CAPS? It would have saved me the (worthwhile) struggle. 😉
 

DSM10000

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Cycled to the shop to buy a bottle of Gin yesterday, but then I thought ....
what if I fall off and the bottle gets broken?

So cleverly, I drank it all outside the shop.

Good thing I did too, I fell off my bike seven times on the way home.
:ttiuwp
 

DSM10000

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Thought for the day.......
Here’s something you may not know.

All drugs have two names, a trade name and generic name.

Example, the trade name is Tylenol and its generic name is Acetaminophen... Aleve is also called Naproxen.

Amoxil is also called Amoxicillin and Advil is also called Ibuprofen.

The FDA has been looking for a generic name for Viagra.

After careful consideration by a team of government experts, it recently announced that it has settled on the generic name of Mycoxafloppin.

Also considered were Mycoxafailin, Mydixadrupin, Mydixarizin, Dixafix, and of course, Ibepokin.

Pfizer Corp. announced today that Viagra will soon be available in liquid form, and will be marketed by Pepsi Cola as a power beverage suitable for use as a mixer..

It will now be possible for a man to literally pour himself a stiff one.

Obviously we can no longer call this a soft drink, and it gives new meaning to the names of 'cocktails’, 'highballs' and just a good old-fashioned 'stiff drink'.

Pepsi will market the new concoction by the name of: MOUNT & DO.

Another thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research.

This means that by 2025, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.
 

NJSS

Active Member
Joined
Aug 7, 2008
Messages
158
Location
Near Petersfield, Hampshire.
Car
2011 SL 350 Fire Opal Red|||2016 Land Rover Discovery|||1973 MGB GT V8|||1959 MGA Roadster
It is best to whisper!!!!

A man was looking for a place to sit in a crowded university library. He asked a girl: "Do you mind if I sit beside you?

The girl replied, in a loud voice "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"

All the people in the library started staring at the man, who was deeply embarrassed and moved to another table.

After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the man's table and said with a laugh: "I study psychology, and I know what a man is thinking; I bet you felt embarrassed, right?"

The man responded in a loud voice: £500 FOR ONE NIGHT? ..... I`M NOT PAYING YOU THAT MUCH!"

All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.

The man whispered to her: "I study law, and I know how to screw people".
 

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