Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

Page may contain affiliate links. Please see terms for details.
The wife's insisting I quit my job, because she thinks it's cruel we've started testing our new products on rabbits.

She's got a point, I suppose...


I work in a hammer factory.
 
A young boy looking for work asks a man for a job to do, and the man reply, with a thick accent “You can paint my porch for £50.” A couple hours later the boy knocks on the door to collect his £50 and says, “By the way, that’s not a Porsche, it’s a Ferrari”
 
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
 
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped.

George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says,
"Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?"

She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"

While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .
why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?"

So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . .
and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.

After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?"

"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."

It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.


^^Winner^^

10 points to Gryffindor :p
 
The house was on fire,at the bedroom window a young woman was holding her baby and screaming for help, on the front lawn stood Paddy, Ireland's greatest goalkeeper, throw me the baby, throw the kid down said Paddy, I won't drop him, I play in goal for Ireland, it will be fine, I'm the best .the girl scared and crying couldn't decide, eventually smoke and flames got so bad , she held the baby out, and dropped it, Paddy dived to his right, arms outstretched and caught it brilliantly,then steadied himself bounced it twice, and kicked it over the roof.
 
I fancy rabbit for dinner tomorrow night. Does anyone know which would be cheaper: the butcher's or a pet shop?
 
The husband asks his wife:

“What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“I’d take half and leave you” she says.

“Great” he says. “Here's £5. I won £10 yesterday! Goodbye."
 
The house was on fire,at the bedroom window a young woman was holding her baby and screaming for help, on the front lawn stood Paddy, Ireland's greatest goalkeeper, throw me the baby, throw the kid down said Paddy, I won't drop him, I play in goal for Ireland, it will be fine, I'm the best .the girl scared and crying couldn't decide, eventually smoke and flames got so bad , she held the baby out, and dropped it, Paddy dived to his right, arms outstretched and caught it brilliantly,then steadied himself bounced it twice, and kicked it over the roof.

Can we keep racist jokes out of this please?
 
I've always liked the old Irish builder joke though

An Irish labourer turns up at a building site and asks for employment. "Do you have any experience?" asks the foreman. "D'you know the difference between a girder and a joist."
"I do. Sure Goethe wrote Faust, and Joyce wrote Ulysses".
 
The husband asks his wife:

“What would you do if I won the Lotto?”

“I’d take half and leave you” she says.

“Great” he says. “Here's £5. I won £10 yesterday! Goodbye."

Corrected :(



The husband asks his wife:

"What would you do if I won the Lotto?"

"I'd take half and leave you" she says.

"Great" he says. "Here's £5. I won £10 yesterday! Goodbye."
 
Not 'funny' as such, but great to see good taste doesn't diminish in ones' senior years.....

Sent from my iPad using MBClub UK
 

Attachments

  • image-202757679.jpg
    image-202757679.jpg
    142.1 KB · Views: 285
One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my **** I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the b.astar.d!!"
 
Two women had been having a friendly lunch when the subject turned to sex.

"You know, John and I have been having some sexual problems", Linda told her friend.

"Thats amazing!" Mary replied, "So have Tom and I. Were thinking of going to a sex therapist", said Linda.

"Oh, we could never do that! We'd be too embarrassed!", responded Mary. "But after you go, will you please tell me how it went?"

Several weeks passed, and the two friends met for lunch again. "So how did the sex therapy work out, Linda?", Mary asked.

"Things couldnt be better!", Linda exclaimed. "We began with a physical exam, and afterward the doctor said he was certain he could help us.

He told us to stop at the grocery store on the way home and buy a bunch of grapes and a dozen doughnuts. He told us to sit on the floor nude, and toss the grapes and doughnuts at each other. Every grape that went into my vagina, John had to get it out with his tongue. Every doughnut that I ringed his penis with, I had to eat. Our sex life is wonderful, in fact its better than its ever been!"

With that endorsement Mary talked her husband into an appointment with the same sex therapist. After the physical exams were completed the doctor called Mary and Tom into his office.

"Im afraid there is nothing I can do for you," he said.

"But doctor," Mary complained, "you did such good for Linda and John, surely you must have a suggestion for us! Please, please, cant you give us some help? Any help at all?"

"Well, OK," the doctor answered. "On your way home, I want you to stop at the grocery store and buy a sack of apples and a box of cheerios..."
 
When my wife left me I was really sad, upset and lonely.
Since then, I've bought a motorbike, 65 inch telly, great sound system, shagged two women, and blown £500 on drink and drugs.

She;s going to go absolutely mental when she gets back from work.
 
Condoms don't guarantee safe sex! A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot dead by the woman's husband!
------------------------------------
A government survey has shown that 91% of illegal immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
---------------------------------------
Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
----------------------------------------
A dwarf goes to a very good but very busy doctor and asks, "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
------------------------------------------
In hindsight I should have posted my Facebook status as:
"I've blown the head gasket on my 1997 XR3i" rather than "I've just buggered a 14 year old escort".
The police still haven't seen the funny side, my laptop's been confiscated, and the wife has gone off to her mum's.
----------------------------------------
63 immigrants seriously hurt in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~

Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.

~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
Police stop an immigrant in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says, "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that - 3 of you have got to get out!"
~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~
 
1499604_432431406924544_6672158025681282241_n_zpshparpx51.jpg
 

Users who are viewing this thread

Back
Top Bottom