Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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A couple of interesting facts about me.
1/ My Willie is not as long as a foot long Subway Sub.
2/ I'm banned from Subway.

Husband said to wife,
Go and have a look at the size of the sh1t I've just done in the bathroom,!
No thanks she replied.
Please, just one quick look, he said, you won't believe it.
She pinched her nose, ran in, then ran out, and said "there's nothing down there, you must've flushed it.
Husband said, "its on the scales"!
 
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A very cranky old woman was arrested for shoplifting at a
supermarket.
She gave everyone a hard time, from the store manager to the
security guard to the arresting officer who took her away.
She complained and criticised everything and everyone throughout the process.
When she appeared before the judge, the judge asked her what
she had stolen from the store.
The lady defiantly replied, "Just a stupid can of peaches."
The judge then asked why she had done it.
She replied, "I was hungry and forgot to bring any cash to the
store."
The judge asked how many peaches were in the can.
She replied in a nasty tone, "Nine!
But why do you care about that?"
The judge answered patiently, "Well, ma'am, because
I'm going to give you nine days in jail -- one day for each peach."
As the judge was about to drop his gavel, the lady's long-suffering husband
raised his hand slowly and asked if he might speak.
The judge said, "Yes sir, what do you have to add?"





The husband said meekly, "Your Honour, she also stole a
can of peas."
 
Bob came home late one night and his wife said angrily, "Where in the hell have you been?"

Bob replied, "I was out getting a tattoo."

"A tattoo?" she frowned. "What kind of tattoo did you get?"

"I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates", he said proudly.

"What the hell were you thinking?!", she said, shaking her head in
disgust. "Why on earth would you get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on
your privates?"

"Well, One, I like to watch my money grow."
"Two, once in a while I like to play with my money."
"Three, I like how money feels in my hand."

"And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here
at home and blow a hundred bucks any time you want!"

. . .

Bob is now recovering in room 1024 of his local hospital.
 
Ron Christna 89 years of age was stopped by the police around 2am, and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
Ron replied "I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse, and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late"
The officer asks "Really, and who's going to be giving that lecture at this time of night"?
Ron replies,"well, that would. be my wife". ;)
 
A crusty old Marine Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a
local liberal arts college. There was no shortage of extremely young
idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major
for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very
serious man. Is something bothering you?"

"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature."

The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It looks like
you have seen a lot of action."

"Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."

The young lady, tiring of trying to startup a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up.

Relax and enjoy yourself."

The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally, the young lady said,

"You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex?"

"1955, ma'am."

"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill
out! I mean, no sex since 1955!

She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to "relax" him.

Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said,
"Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."

The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not, it's only 2130 now."
 
An old Air Force pilot sat down at the AMT, wearing his old flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee.

As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot. How about you, are you a pilot too?"

She said, 'No, I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?"

He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
 
The Luck Of The Irish.

An Apology From Belfast General Hospital.

Dear Mr Murphy,
We are pleased to inform you
that the biopsy of the redness on your penis
showed it was not cancerous,-----------it was
--------lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

Regards Admin. :eek:
 
A couple on an African Safari witnessed a small antelope being chased down by a cheetah.

While the kill was about to happen before their eyes, the husband casually remarked, “I’ll bet the antelope gets away.”

The wife answered, “If that antelope survives this one, I’ll give you sex every day for the rest of your life.”

The deadly chase was recorded. Click below.....


https://www.youtube.com/embed/DYDIwOnXNc8
 
I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a Year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.


My prospective sister-in-law was 22, wore very tight mini-skirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. Because she never did it when she was near anyone else.


One day this sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once
before I got married and committed my life to her sister.


Well, I was in total shock,
and couldn't say a word.


She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'


I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door.
I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.


Lord... And behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!


With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test.
We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'


And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car
 
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Did you hear about the man who was arrested for stealing paving slabs?...

The police said they had concrete evidence against him.
 
British media "most right-wing in Europe", survey finds.

Daily Mail dismisses report as liberal left-wing nonsense.
 
The Luck Of The Irish.

An Apology From Belfast General Hospital.

Dear Mr Murphy,
We are pleased to inform you
that the biopsy of the redness on your penis
showed it was not cancerous,-----------it was
--------lipstick.

We deeply regret the amputation.

Regards Admin. :eek:

Phew...thank goodness there is no such hospital!
 
After a few too many visits to the "Pleasure Parlour", a chap called Elliot
notices green lumps on his willy, so off he goes to the doctor.

The doctor explains, "You know how wrestlers and rugby players get cauliflower ears?"

"Yes" says John, nodding seriously.

"Well" says the doctor.... "You've got Brothel Sprouts."
 
A husband walks into Victoria 's Secret to purchase a sheer negligee
for his wife. He is shown several possibilities that range from $250 to
$500 in price -- the more sheer, the higher the price. Naturally, he
opts for the most sheer item, pays the $500, and takes it home. He
presents it to his wife and asks her to go upstairs, put it on, and
model it for him.

Upstairs the wife thinks ( she's no dummy ), 'I have an idea. It's so
sheer that it might as well be nothing. I won't put it on, but I'll do
the modeling naked, return it tomorrow, and keep the $500 refund for
myself.'

She appears naked on the balcony and strikes a pose.

The husband says, 'Good Grief! You'd think for $500, they'd at least
iron it!'

He never heard the shot.

Funeral on Thursday at Noon. Closed coffin.
 
Last weekend I sent round a load of arab protestors to my mum's house for mother's day.

That's the last time I get intifada mixed up with interflora :D
 

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