Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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An Aussie stockman and his wife had just got married and found a nice hotel for their wedding night. The man approached the front desk and asked for a room.

He said, 'We're on our honeymoon and we need a nice room, with a good strong bed."

The clerk winked, 'You want the Bridal?'

The drover reflected on this for a moment and then replied, "Nah, I reckon not. I'll just hold onto her ears until she gets used to it."
 
My wife and me walked out of the shop we'd just visited, and there across the street was a traffic cop writing out a parking ticket, I went up to him and said, "give us a break officer we,re pensioners you know" he smirked and continued writing the ticket, then I told him what I thought of him, without looking up, he walked to the back of the car and said two rear tyers were illegal, and wrote another one, I was lnsenced, he slid the tickets under the windscreen wiper, scowled at me, got in his car and drove off.
Just after he left our bus arrived, so we hopped on and went home.
 
Blood Is Thicker Than Water




An Arab Sheik was admitted to the Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose. As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.


Finally a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab.


After the surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 US dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.


A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a further corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood.


After the second surgery the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Quality Street chocolates.

The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be more generous than that. Last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a crappy box of chocolates?"



To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins."
 
A man with a winking disorder is applying for a position as a sales representative for a large firm.
The interviewer looks over his papers and says, "This is phenomenal. You've graduated from the best schools; your recommendations are wonderful, and your experience is unparalleled. Normally, we'd hire you without a second thought. However, a sales representative has a highly visible position, and we're afraid that your constant winking will scare off potential customers. I'm sorry, but we can't hire you."
"But wait," the man says. "If I take two aspirin, I'll stop winking!"
"Really? Great! Show me!"
So the applicant reaches into his jacket pocket and begins pulling out all sorts of condoms: red condoms, blue condoms, ribbed condoms, flavored condoms; finally, at the bottom, he finds a packet of aspirin. He tears it open, swallows the pills, and stops winking.
"Well," said the interviewer, "that's all well and good, but this is a respectable company, and we will not have our employees womanizing all over the country!"
"Womanizing? What do you mean? I'm a happily married man!"
"Well then, how do you explain all these condoms?"
"Oh, that," he sighed. "Have you ever walked into a pharmacy, winking, and asked for aspirin?"
 
I had a visit from the Beckhams and they were lovely.

However, David saw a horse and before we could stop him he jumped on the horses back and started to walk, well Victoria and I were shocked at how good he was "I had no idea he could ride" said Victoria, with that he is trotting like a good un "Blimy Victoria, he is a natural" I commented. Within seconds he is into a canter then a gallop, "Wow, look how good he is" said a surprised Victoria.

Well, things started to go wrong and he slipped and was hanging onto the horses neck, but the fool let go and had his foot caught in the stirrup, he was being dragged along the floor with his head banging on the ground!

Well, Victoria panicked and started to scream, luckily the security man came out of Tesco and turned the horse off!
 
Some are a bit near the mark! But still funny



A government survey has shown that 91% of immigrants come to Britain so that they can see their own doctor.
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Due to the current economic crisis, Greece is cancelling all production of humus and Taramasalata. It's a double dip recession.
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A dwarf goes to a very good - but very busy doctor - and asks "I know you are busy but do you treat dwarves?"
The doctor replies "Yes, but you will have to be a little patient".
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63 Pakistanis died in Bradford this morning.
It was not a terrorist attack, a bunk bed collapsed.
The police are blaming AL IKEA.
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Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Tesco.
Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
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Police stops a Pakistani in his transit van on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?"
The driver leans into the back and says: "Hear that........3 of you have got to get out!"
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Paddy & Mick stagger out of the zoo with blood pouring from them..
"Bollocks to that" said Paddy "That's the last time I go lion dancing"
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Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then"
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My mate just hired an Eastern European cleaner, took her 15 hours to hoover the house. Turns out she was a Slovak.
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Since the snow came, all the wife has done is look through the window. If it gets any worse, I'll have to let her in.
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I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.
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Two women called at my door and asked what bread I ate. When I said white, they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread for 30 minutes. I think they were those Hovis Witnesses.
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Seven wheelchair athletes have been banned from the Paralympics after they tested positive for WD40.
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A mummy covered in chocolate and nuts has been discovered in Egypt .
Archaeologists believe it may be Pharaoh Rocher.......
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Just A Reminder to those who stole Electrical Goods in Last Year's Riots......
Your one year manufacturer's warranty runs out soon.
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Two Indian junkies accidentally snorted curry powder instead of cocaine.
Both in hospital...... One's in a korma....... The other's got a dodgy tikka!
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In the first few days of the Olympics, eastern europeans took gold, silver, bronze, copper & lead.
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Sailing results are in: USA took gold, GB took silver and Somalia took a Middle aged couple from Weymouth .
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An Englishman has started his own business in Afghanistan .


He is making Land Mines that look like prayer mats! It's doing well!

Prophets are going through the roof!
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A boy asks his granny, 'Have you seen my pills, they were labelled LSD?'
Granny replies, bugger the pills, have you seen the dragons in the kitchen?!
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A woman standing nude in front of a mirror says to her husband: 'I look horrible, I feel fat and ugly, pay me a compliment.'

He replies, 'Your eyesight is perfect.'
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A mate of mine reckons that he can tighten up his wheel nuts with his bum cheeks.


Personally, I think that he torques out of his a*se.....
 
Pharmacist to a customer: "Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription..simply showing your marriage certificate and wife's picture is not enough."

.........

A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman "Which book has helped you most in your life?"
The woman replied, "My husband’s cheque book!"


........

A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called, "Husband: The Master of the House"?

Sales Girl: Certainly Sir, you'll find it under 'Fiction and Comics’ on the 1st floor!

..........

Someone asked an old man: “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife darling, honey, luv... What’s the secret?"

Old man: "I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her."

..........

Wife: I wish I was a newspaper so I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband: I too wish that you were a newspaper...so I could have a new one every day!


...........

After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counselling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married. On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.

Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched – with a raised eyebrow.

The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze. The therapist turned to the husband and said... “This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?

“Well, I can drop her off here on Monday and Wednesday… but I fish on Fridays!!”

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Husband to wife: Today is a fine day. Next day he says: Today is a fine day. Again, the next day, he says the same thing: Today is a fine day. Finally, after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband "Since last week, you have been saying, 'Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?"

Husband: "Last week when we had an argument, you said, 'I will leave you one fine day.’ I was just trying to make sure you remembered"

...........

When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure that either the car is new, or the wife.

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What's the difference between stress, tension and panic?
Stress is when wife is pregnant;
Tension is when girlfriend is pregnant;
Panic is when both are pregnant!


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Grammar Teacher: Do you know the importance of a period?
Kid: Yeah, once my sister said she had missed one, my mom fainted, dad got a heart attack and our driver ran away!


..........

A young boy asks his Dad: "What is the difference between confident and confidential?"
Dad says: "You are my son, I'm confident about that. Your friend over there is also my son; that is confidential!"
 
I thought PPI was something you got through not wearing goggles at the swimming baths."

"I’ve just been on Trip Advisor. Nothing about how to deal with a cut knee."

"I used to be a plastic surgeon, which raised a few eyebrows"

My wife and I decided we don’t want children; if someone wants them, we’ll drop them off tomorrow.
 

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