Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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A Nun, badly needing to use the toilet, walked into a local pub.
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and, every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the Nun, the room went deadly silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet ?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet ?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink ?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out."
The place was hopping with music and loud conversation and, every once in a while, the lights would turn off. Each time the lights would go out, the place would erupt into cheers. However, when the revellers saw the Nun, the room went deadly silent.
She walked up to the bartender, and asked, "May I please use the toilet ?"
The bartender replied, "OK, but I should warn you that there is a statue of a naked man in there wearing only a fig leaf."
"Well, in that case, I'll just look the other way," said the Nun.
So, the bartender showed the Nun to the back of the pub. After a few minutes, she came back out, and the whole place stopped just long enough to give the Nun a loud round of applause.
She went to the bartender and said, "Sir, I don't understand. Why did they applaud for me just because I went to the toilet ?"
"Well, now they know you're one of us," said the bartender. "Would you like a drink ?"
"But, I still don't understand," said the puzzled Nun.
"You see," laughed the bartender, "every time someone lifts the fig leaf on the statue, the lights go out."
Nicebutdim
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My dad is in hospital after he lost control on a roundabout and drove off the road and into a forest.
Regarding his condition........he's turned the corner but he's not out of the woods just yet.
Courtesy of Tim Vine on his current tour.
Chris
Regarding his condition........he's turned the corner but he's not out of the woods just yet.
Courtesy of Tim Vine on his current tour.
Chris
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"I love you loads, honeypie." My wife said.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.
"And I love you tons." I replied.
"What, no nickname for me?" She asked, disappointed.
Sometimes I swear she's going deaf.
In the pub last night an old aquaintance asked me,
"Since you've retired have you thought about getting another job?"
I said, " yes as a matter of fact Ive got one, I'm a sexual advisor to my wife".
"That's a new one on me", he said "how does that work?"
"Oh! I said "its not difficult", she told me, "If she ever needs my fecking advice she'd ask for it".
"Since you've retired have you thought about getting another job?"
I said, " yes as a matter of fact Ive got one, I'm a sexual advisor to my wife".
"That's a new one on me", he said "how does that work?"
"Oh! I said "its not difficult", she told me, "If she ever needs my fecking advice she'd ask for it".
OP
OP
Deleted96908
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Bought the Mrs some crotchless knickers yesterday.
Had nothing to do with a sexual nature.
Was just so she could get a better grip on her broomstick.
Had nothing to do with a sexual nature.
Was just so she could get a better grip on her broomstick.
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Zossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years, he had a powerful, almost uncontrollable desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”
Unable to stand it any longer, he finally sought professional help from the factory psychologist.
After six months of intense therapy, however, the frustrated therapist gave up. He then advised Yossel to go ahead and do it, otherwise he would probably never have any peace of mind. The next day Yossel came home from work very early. His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.
For the first time, Yossel tearfully confessed to her his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.
He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.
Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband. She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely-intact penis. She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"
Yossel replied, “I think she got fired, too.”
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^ Surely needs to be in the Politics Thread?.
BREAKING NEWS!
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred last night when a four seater plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue teams have so far recovered 687 bodies,but expect the numbers to rise
as digging continues into the night.
Ireland's worst air disaster occurred last night when a four seater plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue teams have so far recovered 687 bodies,but expect the numbers to rise
as digging continues into the night.
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Ireland's worst air disaster occurred last night when a four seater plane crashed into a cemetery.
Irish search and rescue teams have so far recovered 687 bodies,but expect the numbers to rise
as digging continues into the night.
Irish search and rescue teams have so far recovered 687 bodies,but expect the numbers to rise
as digging continues into the night.
- Joined
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- All gone now.E 220 Convertible, 2x190E, 2xC180, 1xB180 sport.
Whoops! Didn't notice you had already posted that!
Due to a national water shortage in Ireland,
Dublin swimming pool have announced, they are
closing lanes 7 & 8.
_______________________________________
I got a letter from Screwfix Direct, thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they are NOT a dating agency!!!!
Dublin swimming pool have announced, they are
closing lanes 7 & 8.
_______________________________________
I got a letter from Screwfix Direct, thanking me for my interest,
but explaining they are NOT a dating agency!!!!
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