Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[CLSMark]

Billy stops Paddy in Dublin and asks for the quickest way to Cork.

Paddy says: "Are you on foot or in the car?"

Billy replies: "In the car."

"Well that's the quickest way," says Paddy.




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[moonloops]

A horse is in the pub having a few pints when he spots a donkey in the corner. He nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" and the horse replies "I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter", donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" and follows up with "did you win anything?"

The horse nods "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”. They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later and donkey decides that he has to impress the champion horse.

He buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace. When he horse arrives, he says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?" the donkey replies "thats me when I played for Juventus"

 

[AMGeed]

^Stealing that one

 

[CLSMark]

Paddy and Mick are sat having a pint at the bar, the wall in front of them is mirrored...

Be’Jesus Paddy, there’s two fellas over there that look just like us, i think I’ll get up and buy them a drink..

Mick stands up

“Hold on a minute Mick, I tink there going to buy us one”

( I’m of Irish stock, my parents loved an Irish joke as much as me, no offence intended )


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[MD5]

( I’m of Irish stock, my parents loved an Irish joke as much as me, no offence intended )
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In the same spirit, back in the (non pc) day, if I started to tell an Irish joke, and someone said "Oi, I'm Irish!", my favourite reply was "Don't worry, I'll tell it slowly!"

 

[CLSMark]

In the same spirit, back in the (non pc) day, if I started to tell an Irish joke, and someone said "Oi, I'm Irish!", my favourite reply was "Don't worry, I'll tell it slowly!"

Heh heh [emoji16]


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[grimree]

In the same spirit, back in the (non pc) day, if I started to tell an Irish joke, and someone said "Oi, I'm Irish!", my favourite reply was "Don't worry, I'll tell it slowly!"

You'll have to explain that

 

[Chrishazle]

It was also "how often does Paddy laugh when you tell him a joke?"

First time when you tell the joke, as he's polite.
Second time when someone explains the joke, as he's polite.
Third time when the penny finally drops!!

Having an Irish wife, I know this is a case of "many a true word spoken in jest"!!!

 

[Wolfie1]

This is actually true life tonight! So me and the wife had our dinner, after dinner we had some caramel square ice cream that i got from lidl, i asked her “what do you think of the ice cream?” She replies “its not bad but its a bit cold’.
I will reiterate this actually happened tonight and yes she is naturally blonde!

 

[Merkaholic]

This is actually true life tonight! So me and the wife had our dinner, after dinner we had some caramel square ice cream that i got from lidl, i asked her “what do you think of the ice cream?” She replies “its not bad but its a bit cold’.
I will reiterate this actually happened tonight and yes she is naturally blonde!

Shes got blond Essex syndrome

 

[Rayny]

So how does every racist joke start ?
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By looking over your shoulder

 

[moonloops]

I tied up Donald Trump with ropes the other day, I guess you could call it a binding precedent.

 

[Deleted96908]

On hearing she only gets half a crown if they divorce.

.​

 

[DoberMan]

 

[triple h]

 

[D-18]

 

[MD5]

Prince Charles decided to take up walking every day. At the same street corner he passed a hooker standing there every day.
He learned to brace himself as he approached her for what was almost certain to follow.
"One hundred and fifty pounds!" she'd shout.
"No! Five pounds!" He said from the side of his mouth, just to shut her up.
This ritual between him and the hooker became a daily occurrence.
She'd yell, "One hundred and fifty pounds!"
He'd yell back, "Five pounds!"
One day, Camilla decided to accompany her husband.
As the couple neared the hooker's corner, Prince Charles realised she'd bark her £150 offer and Camilla would wonder what he'd really been doing on all his past outings.
He figured he'd better have a good explanation for his wife.
As they neared the hooker’s corner he became even more apprehensive than usual.
Sure enough, there she stood. He tried to avoid eye contact as she
watched the pair pass.

<

Then, the hooker yelled:
"See what you get for five pounds, you tight bastard!"

 

[D-18]

With apologies to LTD.....

 

[Peter103]

Commuting home on the train after work, I met a neighbour from down our street who told me that, " our milkman had shagged every woman in our street bar one." I was telling my wife this during dinner that evening, she said, " yes I know, and I bet it's that snotty nose bitch round the corner".

 

[moonloops]

I've had an allotment for 5 years.

I just left home to go to it, and I can't find it.

I guess I've lost the plot!