Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[D-18]

 

[Chrishazle]

Must have been a really long time ago! Mid 70's, Boogie Street Singapore, the "women" parading up and down after about 9pm made Miss World look like Anne Widdecombe - but all had Adams Apples!! Many a surprise in taxis headed for hotels when bloke thinking he was on a winner discovered she had something he was supposed to have!!

 

[moonloops]

I wanted some paving slabs set down in my back garden so I could some chairs and tables out there.

So I called my builder who is Jamaican who came round for a chat.

I didn't understand a word he said, so I guess I wasn't understanding the patios?

 

[moonloops]

My grandad's wig blew off when he was on the sea front at Whitby.

He did the sensible thing and called 999.



10 minutes later the Yorkshire Hair ambulance turned up.

 

[DSM10000]

Two elderly and distinguished Medics were talking over a coffee one day when they noticed a man walking toward them with a strange gait.

"I diagnose chronic osteo-arthritis" said the first.

"I disagree" said the second "To me it is a classic case of a loose hip replacement causing the external rotation and unusual gait"

The discussion carried on with neither agreeing.

The man with the limp returned and so they decided to ask him what the problem was.

"Well" said the man to the first medic "You thought it osteo arthritis but you are wrong"

Turning to the second he said "You thought it was a failed hip replacement but you are wrong!"

"Would you kindly tell us?" the pair asked.

"Well" said the man. "At first I thought it was a fart but as it turned out I was wrong!" .

 

[ioweddie]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other if there is sex after death. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife at all.

After a long life together, the husband was the first to die. True to his word, he made the first contact.

“Rita, Rita ?”

"Is that you, Bob?”

“Yes, I've come back like we agreed."

“That's wonderful! What's it like?”

"Well, I get up in the morning, I have sex. I have breakfast and then it’s off to the golf course. I have sex again, bathe in the warm sun and then have sex a couple of more times. Then I have lunch (you'd be proud -- lots of greens). Another romp around the golf course, then pretty much have sex the rest of the afternoon. After supper, it's back to the golf course. Then it's more sex until late at night. I catch some much needed sleep and then the next day it starts all over again.”

"Oh, Bob! Are you in Heaven?"

“No, … I'm a rabbit somewhere in Arizona.

 

[E63AMG]

 

[markjay]

Joe had suffered from really bad headaches for the last 20 years.
He eventually decides to go and see a Doctor.

The Doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache.
The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed.He wondered if he had anything to live for.

He had no choice but to go under the knife. The surgery cost him $15,000.

When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself.

As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a Men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new Suit.'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new Suit.'

The elderly Tailor eyed him briefly and said, 'Let's see... size 44 long.

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'
Joe tried the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new Underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure..'

The salesman said, 'Let's see..... size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old..'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your Testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a Headache.'

 

[Nicebutdim]

I've been trying the fabric conditioner diet

The doctor says I'm just comfort eating.

Chris

 

[Nicebutdim]

I lifted a very heavy culinder onto my head. Lucky I didn't strain myself.

My friend shoved a teabag in my mouth, poured milk up my nose, and sprinkled sugar in my ears. Im fed up of being treated like a mug.

Chris

 

[markjay]

Why is there only one monopolies commission? ......

 

[D-18]

If dropped, bread always lands butter side down.
Cats always land on their feet.
What happens if you butter a cat?

 

[D-18]

A Teacher's nightmare.

A class of primary children started a class project to make a plant pot to take home. The teacher wanted to have a plant in it that was easy to take care of, so it was decided to use cactus plants.

The children were given pottery in the style of a clown plant pot. They painted them with glaze and had them professionally fired at a class outing so they could see the process. It was great fun.

They planted the cactus seeds in the finished planters and they grew nicely. Unfortunately, however, they were not allowed to take them home. The cactus plants were removed, replaced with a small ivy, and the children were then allowed to take them home. The teacher said cactus “seemed like a good idea at the time”...

​

 

[MD5]

A Teacher's nightmare.

View attachment 77960​

Completely empathise.

I kid you not, I've had this cactus for longer than I can remember. I often wonder if it would help its disposition if I re-potted it, but I'm scared it may get aroused. I swear it's not far off re-potting itself!

 

[ioweddie]

SEX STARVED


A new Army Captain was assigned to an outfit in a remote post in the Afghan Desert ..

During his first inspection of the outfit, he noticed a camel hitched up behind the mess tent.

He asked the Sergeant why the camel was kept there.

The nervous sergeant said, 'Sir, as you know, there are 250 men here on the post and no women. Sometimes the men have urges. That's why we have Molly The Camel.

The Captain said, 'I can't say that I condone this, but I can understand about the 'urges', so the camel can stay.'

About a month later, the Captain starts having his own 'urges'.

Crazed with passion, he asked the Sergeant to bring the camel to his tent.

Putting a ladder behind the camel, the Captain stands on the ladder, pulls his pants down and has wild and insane sex with the camel.

When he's done, he asked the Sergeant, 'Is that how the men do it?'

'No sir. They usually just ride the camel into town. That's where the girls are."

 

[moonloops]

I had a quick chat with a lift engineer the other day. I asked if he enjoyed his job. He said it has its ups and downs.

 

[ioweddie]

Hunter was 4 years old and was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?'

His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth.

'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse'

'Oh,' Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids.

A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds.
And Jimmy's mom wants to talk to you.'

 

[moonloops]

The fire alarm went off at the Black and Decker factory today..

Everyone rushed out, but luckily it was only a drill.

 

[moonloops]

If dropped, bread always lands butter side down.
Cats always land on their feet.
What happens if you butter a cat?

Cat lands on two feet, and you get arrested

 

[Nat]

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project, talking about how will they be able to afford a beer after work - Bob, Bruce and Bill. Bob falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and tell his wife."
Bill says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it." Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

"Where did you get that, Bill?" says Bruce. "Bob's wife gave it to me,"
Bruce replies. "That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bill said. "When she answered the door, I said to her, 'You must be Bob's widow'. She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.' And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."