Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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What do we want???

A cure for Alzheimers

When do we want it??

Want what???

What do we want?

A cure for Tourettes!

When do we want it?

C***!
 
I complained to my car dealer that the in car entertainment touch screen was constantly being marked by fingerprints. He replied that it was because it was a DABS radio. :D
 
So my latest money making scheme seems to have failed. I bought two chickens, with the idea that they would hook up and breed more chickens and ergo all lay more eggs that I could sell. I'm not sure what I did wrong, but neither chicken wants to do anything with the other one, they just run away from each other. Honestly, I'm struggling to make hens meet right now..
 
When I was a youngster, I prayed to God for a bike, then realised God doesn't work that way, so I stole a bike and asked God to forgive me !
 
My wife said to me:
'what are we doing for Easter' ?
I replied:
'I know what I'm doing,.... the same as Jesus, going out Friday and coming back Monday' !
 
My wife said......'tonight, you can tie me to the bed and do anything that gives you pleasure'..........so I did...and went to the pub !
 
A man suspected his wife was seeing another man, so he hired the famous Chinese detective, Chen Lee, to watch and report any activities while he was gone. A few days later, he received this report:

Most honorable sir,

You leave house.
I watch house.
He come to house. I watch.
He and she leave house. I follow.
He and she go in hotel. I climb tree.
I look in window.
He kiss she. She kiss he.
He strip she. She strip he.
He play with she. She play with he.
I play with me. I fall off tree.
I not see.

No fee, Chen Lee.
 
My wife asked if she could go ice-skating on the lake. I told her "Wait till it gets warmer."
 
This guy and girl were getting hot and heavy in the car.
Girl is getting excited, says "kiss me where it stinks:

So he drove her to Birmingham.
 
Picked up a bird last night, she said to me "give me 12 inches and make me bleed".


So I gave her 4 inches 3 times and smacked her on the nose. Job done.
 
Two women friends had gone out for a Girls Night Out, and had been decidedly over-enthusiastic on the cocktails. Incredibly drunk and walking home they suddenly realized they both needed to pee. They were very near a graveyard and one of them suggested they do their business behind a headstone or something.

The first woman had nothing to wipe with so she took off her panties, used them and threw them away. Her friend however was wearing an expensive underwear set and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky enough to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on a grave and proceeded to wipe herself with it. After finishing, they made their way home.

The next day the first woman's husband phones the other husband and said, "These damn girls nights out have got to stop. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing," said the other. "Mine came back with a sympathy card stuck between the cheeks of her butt that said, 'From all the guys at the Fire Station, We'll never forget you!'
 
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A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy...."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My tennis pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."
 
At a restaurant with the missus the other day & went into the loo, was just into my bidnith when the guy in the next stall says:

"Hi, how are ya?"

Me: (embarrassed...) "um, ok..."

Guy: "what's going on?"

Me: "um, just sitting here..."

Guy: "can I come over?"

Me: "um, er, uh, you're joking, right?"

















Guy: "Listen, can I call you back? The idiot in the next stall keeps answering all my questions!"
 
A father put his 3 year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which ended by saying: "God bless Mummy, God bless Daddy, and God bless Grandma and goodbye Grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say goodbye Grandpa?"

The little girl said, "I don't know, Daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."

The next day grandpa died.

The father thought it was a strange coincidence.

A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers which went like this: "God bless Mummy, God Bless Daddy and goodbye Grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

"Holy Moly, thought the father, "this kid is in contact with the other side."

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say: "God bless Mummy and goodbye Daddy...."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, drinking coffee, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally, midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.

When he got home his wife said, "I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said, "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said, "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened to me this morning. My tennis pro dropped dead in the middle of my lesson."

Superb :thumb:
 
Heard something brilliant as I was walking down the street earlier, some lad about my age in his mid 20's had someone from TV licensing at his door so I pretended to look in my bag for my son's juice bottle so I could have a cheeky listen
Glad I did.

"Do you watch live TV sir?"

"Nah mate, TV's ****e, don't even own one. Prefer my music me"

"May I pop inside and look so I can confirm and put that on our system?"

"I don't have to let you in do I?"

"No sir, but if you're not letting me in when you say you don't own a TV, that gives me reason to believe that you could have a TV and therefore require a licence"

"To be fair mate, the lass at number 23 won't let me in her knickers, that doesn't mean I've got reason to believe she could have a ****..."

With that, the door was closed.
 
In a small cathedral a janitor was cleaning the pews between services when he was approached by the minister.

The minister asked the janitor, "Could you go into the confessional and listen to confessions for me?

I really have to go to the bathroom and the Widow McGee is coming.

She tends to go on and on but never really does anything worthy of serious repentance, so when she's done just give her 10 Hail Mary's and I'll be right back."

Being the helpful sort, the janitor agreed.

Just as expected the Widow McGee came into the booth and started her confession.

"Oh Father, I fear I have done the unforgivable. I have given into carnal thoughts and have had oral sex."

Stunned, the janitor had no idea how to handle this situation, surely 10 Hail Mary's would not do.

So, in a moment of desperation the janitor peered his head out of the confessional and asked an altar boy,
"Son, what does the minister give for oral sex?"

The altar boy replied, "Two Snickers bars and a Coke."
 
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There was this guy who walked into a bar and says to the bartender 10 shots of whiskey. The bartender asks, "What's the matter?"

The man says, "I found out my brother is gay and marrying my best friend."

The next day the same man comes in and orders 12 shots of whiskey. The bartenders asks, "What's wrong this time?"

The man says, "I found out that my son is gay."

The next day the same man comes in the bar and orders 15 shots of whiskey.
The bartender asks him, "Doesn't anyone in your family like women?"



The man looks up and says, "Apparently my wife does."
 

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