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Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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I was going to visit the pencil museum, didn't see the point in the end.
CLSMark
Banned
What do you get when you cross a dyslexic, an insomniac, and an agnostic?
Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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Someone who lays awake at night wondering if there is a dog.
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I called my plumber because everytime I used my sink I could hear a DJ playing nightclub music tracks.
Don't worry he said, you've got a mixer tap.
Don't worry he said, you've got a mixer tap.
Told a pal at work we were holding a surprise 80th birthday party for my gran at the weekend.
He asked if it was difficult keeping it a secret with so many people involved in the family.
No not really I said, she's got Alzheimer's.
He asked if it was difficult keeping it a secret with so many people involved in the family.
No not really I said, she's got Alzheimer's.
CLSMark
Banned
A bear and a rabbit are side by side in the woods taking a dump
The bear asks the rabbit, “ do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? “
“No” replies the rabbit.
So the bear wiped his a rse with the rabbit
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The bear asks the rabbit, “ do you have trouble with shit sticking to your fur? “
“No” replies the rabbit.
So the bear wiped his a rse with the rabbit
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- Joined
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I ordered some shellfish and when they turned up they were undersized. I'm taking the suppliers to the small clams court.
CLSMark
Banned
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I went to the bank machine to withdraw some cash. Instead of £20 notes it gave me a bag of cannabis.
I didn't know I had a joint account..
I didn't know I had a joint account..
I know exactly what Dame Vera Lynn is having for dinner each night....
Whale meat again!
Whale meat again!
Merkaholic
Active Member
Texas sex>>>>>>>>>
Two Texans were out on the ranch talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, " think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
“I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?”
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from
behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
“Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
Two Texans were out on the ranch talking about their favourite sex positions.
One said, " think I enjoy the rodeo position the best."
“I don't think I have ever heard of that one," said the other cowboy. "What is it ?”
"Well, it's where you get your wife down on all fours and you mount her from
behind. Then you reach around and cup each one of her breasts in your hands
and whisper in her ear, 'These feel just like your sister's.' "
“Then you try and stay on for 8 seconds.”
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You are driving down the road in your car on a wild, stormy night, when you pass by a bus stop and you see three people waiting for the bus...
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application..
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first..
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
1. An old lady who looks as if she is about to die.
2. An old friend who once saved your life.
3. The perfect partner you have been dreaming about.
Which one would you choose to offer a ride to, knowing that there could only be one passenger in your car?
Think before you continue reading.
This is a moral/ethical dilemma that was once actually used as part of a job application..
You could pick up the old lady, because she is going to die, and thus you should save her first..
Or you could take the old friend because he once saved your life, and this would be the perfect chance to pay him back.
However, you may never be able to find your perfect mate again.
YOU WON'T BELIEVE THIS.....................
The candidate who was hired (out of 200 applicants) had no trouble coming up with his answer. He simply answered: 'I would give the car keys to my old friend and let him take the lady to the hospital. I would stay behind and wait for the bus with the partner of my dreams.'
Sometimes, we gain more if we are able to give up our stubborn thought limitations.
Never forget to 'Think Outside of the Box.'
HOWEVER....., The correct answer is to run the old lady over and put her out of her misery, have sex with the perfect partner on the bonnet of the car, then drive off with the old friend for a few beers.
God, I just love happy endings!
- Joined
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- Joined
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- Messages
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- Location
- Winford Isle of Wight
- Car
- AMG Line Premier Plus Estate C220d
flying haggis
MB Enthusiast
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Man goes to the Doctors as he cant “perform in the bedroom”
Doctor says “ I have this new drug, but it only works three times”
Man says “I will try it”
Doctor gives the injection and says to the man,” to make it work say Whoo Hoo” so the man does and up it pops! Doc then says “to get it back down say Schh Schh”
Man says Schh Schh and down it flops!
“That it great Doc, Thanks” and the man heads home.
He walks past the station just as a train leaves sounding its horn “Whoo Hoo”
“Oh Hell “ says the man “Schh Schh” and back to normal.
When he gets home he goes straight to the bedroom and strips off. When his wife comes into the room, He says Are you ready for this? Whoo Hoo” and again up it pops!
Wife looks at him and says “schh Schh, you will wake the children!”…………………..
Doctor says “ I have this new drug, but it only works three times”
Man says “I will try it”
Doctor gives the injection and says to the man,” to make it work say Whoo Hoo” so the man does and up it pops! Doc then says “to get it back down say Schh Schh”
Man says Schh Schh and down it flops!
“That it great Doc, Thanks” and the man heads home.
He walks past the station just as a train leaves sounding its horn “Whoo Hoo”
“Oh Hell “ says the man “Schh Schh” and back to normal.
When he gets home he goes straight to the bedroom and strips off. When his wife comes into the room, He says Are you ready for this? Whoo Hoo” and again up it pops!
Wife looks at him and says “schh Schh, you will wake the children!”…………………..
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