Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[bob6600]

 

[Wolfie1]

 

[Nicebutdim]

Courtesy of Terry Wogan from a few years ago.

It was Christmas Day in the workhouse
The merriest day of the year
The paupers and the prisoners
Were all assembled there

In came the Christmas pudding
When a voice that shattered glass
Said, "We don't want your Christmas pudding
So stick it
there with the rest of the unwanted presents"

The workhouse master then arose
And prepared to carve the duck
He said "Who wants the parson's nose
And the prisoners shouted
"you have it yourself sir"

The vicar brought his bible
And read out little bits
Said one old crone at the back of the hall
"This man gets on
very well with everybody"

The workhouse mistress then began
To hand out Christmas parcels
The paupers tore the wrappers off
And began to wipe their
eyes, which were full of tears

The master rose to make a speech
But just before he started
The mistress, who was fifteen stone
Gave three loud cheers and
nearly choked herself

And all the paupers then began
To pull their Christmas crackers
One pauper held his too low down
And blew off both his
paper hat and the man's next to him

A steaming bowl of white bread sauce
Was handed round to some
An aged gourmet called aloud
"This bread sauce tastes like
it was made by a continental chef"

Mince pie with custard sauce was next
And each received a bit
One pauper said "The mince pie's nice
But the custard tastes like
the bread sauce we had in the last verse !"

The mistress dishing out the food
Dropped custard down her front
She cried "Aren't I a silly girl"
And they answered "You're a
perfect picture as always ma'am !"

"This pudding ", said the master
"It's solid, hard and thick
how am I going to cut it ?"
And a man cried "Use your
penknife sir, the one with the pearl handle"

The mistress asked the vicar
To entertain his flock
He said "What would you like to see ?"
And they cried "Let's see your
conjuring tricks, they're always worth watching"

"Your reverence may I be excused ?"
Said one benign old chap
"I don't like conjuring tricks
I'd sooner have a
carol or two around the fire"

So then they all began to sing
Which shook the workhouse walls
"Merry Christmas!" cried the master
And the inmates shouted
"Best of luck to you as well sir !"

Merry Christmas

 

[ioweddie]

 

[ash59fifty-uk]

I was standin next to this bloke in the changing room at my local gym yesterday when a mobile phone rings. He was getting dry so he puts it on loudspeaker. I thought straightaway wot a smug bastard!

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the gym?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the trinity centre now and found this beautiful leather coat.

It' s only £1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, ..go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2018 models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "£90,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing .... The house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking £950,000".

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer of £900,000. They will probably take it. If not, we can go the extra 50 thousand.

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!!"

MAN: "Bye! I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the changing room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths agape.....He smiles and asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

 

[moonloops]

So I called my tax accountant last night to congratulate him on his birthday. He said thanks for remembering what is for him a major milestone age.

I asked "so how old are you?"

He said 42+VAT minus .40

What a tw@

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[D-18]

Husband to Police officer:

My wife is missing.
She went to rescue people from the flood yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Erm, I'm not sure. About five-feet 5 inches tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Quite slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Color of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Color of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been trousers, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Jaguar.

Sergeant:
What kind of Jaguar is it?

Husband: (sobbing)
It's a 2014 XF Portfolio with full leather interior, Garrett turbocharger and air-to-air intercooler, computer controlled active coilover shocks, 8 speed ZF auto gearbox, keyless entry, carbon fibre rear diffuser, quad exhaust tips, LED daytime running lights, electronic limited slip diff, 19” diamond cut alloy wheels, heated front screen......
(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry Sir. We'll find your Jaguar.

 

[ash59fifty-uk]

Once upon a time, there was a cowboy. After an eventful standoff with an Indian tribe, he was captured and held prisoner

The chief, impressed by the cowboys courage, granted him three days to live, with one wish per day, starting now

On the first day, the cowboy whispered something to his horse. The horse immediately bolts off into the distance. Later that day, the horse arrives back at the camp, with a stunning blonde female on it’s back. The cowboy disappears into his teepee with the blonde for the night. The chief, notably impressed

On the second day, the cowboy asks again to speak to his horse. The horse bolts off in a different direction this time, only to return late that evening with another female, this time a beautiful brunette. Again, the cowboy leads her into his teepee.

The following morning, the chief said to the cowboy “I really am impressed, you have made powerful wishes with your horse understanding you, and bringing you back beautiful females on your final days on this earth. What will it be today?”

“Ahh, I need to speak to my horse again. Privately” the cowboy replied

He walks over to his horse, and sternly says “Posse... I said, Bring back Posse!!!!”

 

[ioweddie]

 

[ash59fifty-uk]

I was witness to a heated scuffle between a pair of visually impaired gentleman earlier

I loudly commented to my friend “my monies on the one with the knife”... that soon calmed them both down

 

[ioweddie]

 

[ioweddie]

A man who'd just died, is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit.



The mortician asks the deceased's wife how she would like the body dressed. He points out that the man looked quite good in the black suit he is already wearing.


The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit.

She gives the mortician a blank check and says, 'I don't care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’


The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fitted him perfectly...


She says to the mortician, 'Whatever this cost, I'm very satisfied.. You did an excellent job, and I'm very grateful. How much did you spend?'


To her astonishment, the mortician hands back her blank check.


'There's no charge,' he says.


'No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!' she says.


'Honestly, ma'am,' the man says, 'it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband's size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit.

I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.'


'So I just switched the heads.'

 

[moonloops]

Years ago I invested in a bra manufacturing company, I've just heard they've gone bust !

 

[ash59fifty-uk]

Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV as the 10:00 news came on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.

The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"

Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!"

Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money."

Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump."

The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again."

Jack took the money.

 

[tode]

Years ago I invested in a bra manufacturing company, I've just heard they've gone bust !

Yet another company gone t!ts up . .

 

[D-18]

The season of goodwill....good deed done yesterday.

Yesterday at the Tesco checkout I was behind an old lady in the queue. Her bill came to £67.48 but when she counted out all her change, she only had just under £60.

I thought she was probably someone’s Gran and I’d like to think someone would have helped my Gran out when she was alive.

She didn’t want me to help her but I insisted and in no time we had all her shopping back on the shelves.

 

[bob6600]

 

[bob6600]