Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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An aeroplane was about to crash; there were five passengers on board but only
four parachutes.

The first passenger Holly Madison said, "I have my own
reality show and I am the smartest and prettiest woman at Playboy, so Americans
don't want me to die." She took the first parachute and jumped out of the
plane.

The second passenger John McCain said, "I'm a senator and a decorated
war hero from an elite navy unit in the United States of America." He grabbed
the second pack and jumped.

The third passenger, Donald Trump, said, "I am
going to be the next president of the United States, I am the smartest man in
our country and I will make America great again." So he grabbed the pack next
to him and jumped out.

The fourth passenger, Billy Graham, said to the fifth
passenger, a ten year old schoolgirl, "I have lived a full life and served my
God the best I could. I will sacrifice my life and let you have the last
parachute."

The little girl said, "That's okay, Mr Graham. There's a
parachute left for you. The smartest man in America took my schoolbag."
 
Ed and Carolyn met while on a singles cruise and Ed fell head over heels for her.

When they discovered they lived in the same city only a few miles apart Ed was ecstatic. He immediately started asking her out when they got home.

Within a couple of weeks Ed had taken Carolyn to dance clubs, restaurants, concerts, movies and museums.

Ed became convinced that Carolyn was indeed his soul mate and true love. Every date seemed better than the last.



On the one-month anniversary of their first dinner on the cruise ship Ed took Carolyn to a fine restaurant.
While having cocktails and waiting for their salad Ed said, "I guess you can tell I'm very much in love with you.

I'd like a little serious talk before our relationship continues to the next stage so, before I get a box out of my jacket and ask you a life changing question it's only fair to warn you, I'm a total golf nut.

I play golf, I read about golf, I watch golf on TV. In short, I eat, sleep, and breathe golf. If that's going to be a problem for us you'd better say so now!”

Carolyn took a deep breath and responded, "Ed that certainly won't be a problem.

I love you as you are and I love golf too but, since we're being totally honest with each other, you need to know that for the last five years I've been a hooker.”

Ed said, "I bet it's because you're not keeping your wrists straight when you hit the ball.
 
A guy and his wife have been married for 25 years so to celebrate they go on a golfing holiday, the first day they play Royal Troon , the second Birkdale, the third Royal County Down and on the fourth they're due to play The Old Course at St Andrews - the previous night they stay at the Old Course Hotel.
They're having dinner when she says to him" In 25 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
He replies " Just once, about 15 years ago, with my secretary, we'd been to a late meeting and one thing lead to another, I felt so guilty I've never done it again"
She replied " It was only once , and you were so ashamed, I'll forgive you"
He said" Have you ever been unfaithfull?"
She replied " No, but before we married I had a sex change operation, I used to be a man"
He shouted " You lying dishonest bitch - 25 years you've been playing off the red tee's!"
 
I had to lug 20 5 litre buckets of varnish up the stairs today. At the end I was feeling totally lacquered.
 
Two crocodiles were sitting at the side of the swamp near the lake. The smaller one turned to the bigger one and said, "I can't understand how you can be so much bigger than me. We're the same age; We were the same size as kids. I just don't get it."

"Well, " said the big Croc, "What have you been eating?"

"Politicians, same as you, " replied the small Croc.

"Hmm. Well, where do you catch them?"

"Down the other side of the swamp near the parking lot by the Capitol."

"Same here. Hmm. How do you catch them?"

"Well, I crawl up under one of their Lexus cars and wait for one to unlock the car door. Then I jump out, grab them by the leg, shake the **** out of them and eat 'em!"

"Ah!" says the big Crocodile, "I think I see your problem. You're not getting any real nourishment. See, by the time you finish shaking the **** out of a politician, there's nothing left but an asshole and a briefcase.
 
Frequency of sexual activity of older males depends on where they were born.

Statistics just released from Canada and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, revealing that:

North American men between 65 and 75 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number-- a lot more), whereas:

Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per
year if they are lucky.

This has come as very upsetting news to many of my buddies, as none of them had any idea they were Japanese!
 
A very nice, innocent Australian woman wants to get married, but she is only willing to marry a man if he has never had sex with another woman.
After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad.
She ends up corresponding with Scotty Greer, who is an average golfer and who has lived his entire life in the Australian Outback and he has had no experience with women. They meet and she is very happy with him; she feels that they are perfect for each other.
Eventually they end up getting married.
On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the evening.
When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room. Naked. All the furniture from the room is piled in one corner.
"What happened?" she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, “but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm gonna need all the f***kin' room I can get!"
 
A young man had joined the infantry and signed up with the paratroopers – his father had been airborne.

He went through the standard training, completed the practice jumps from higher and higher structures and finally went to take his first jump from an aircraft. The next day, he phoned his father to tell him the news.

"So, how was your first jump?" the father asked.

"Well, let me tell you what happened. We got up in the plane and the Sergeant opened up the door and asked for volunteers. About a dozen men got up and just walked out of the plane!"

"Is that when you jumped?" asked the father.

"No, not then. Then the Sergeant started to grab the other men one at a time and push them out the door."

"Did you jump then?" asked the father.

"I'm getting to that. Everyone else had jumped, and I was the last man left on the plane."
I told the Sergeant that I was too scared to jump. He told me to get off the plane or he'd kick my ass."

"So, so then you jumped?"

"Not then. He tried to push me out of the plane, but I grabbed onto the door and refused to go. Finally he called over the Jump Master. The Jump Master is this great big guy, about six-foot five and 250 pounds. He said to me, 'Boy, are you going to jump or not?'

I said, "No, Sir. I'm too scared."

So the Jump Master unzipped his pants and took his Willie out. I swear, it was about ten inches long! Like a baseball bat. He said, " Boy, either you jump out of that door, or I'm sticking this up your ass."

"So, did you jump?" asked the father.

"A little, at first".
 
Dear Mr. Smith,



Many thanks for your letter, suggesting your ex-wife as an ideal


candidate for our new quiz show.



I have reviewed the qualities you describe of her, and agree that she


may possess the attributes we are looking for in the show's


contestants.



Before we take this any further, however, I must point out that the


name of the show is actually 'Fact Hunt.'



In light of this, please let me know if we should proceed and contact


the lady concerned.



Yours,



Charles Knight,


Light Entertainment,


BBC Television Centre,


London.
 
Paddy took 2 stuffed dogs to Antiques Roadshow
”Ooh!” said the presenter. “This is a very rare set produced by the celebrated Johns Brothers taxidermists who operated in London at the turn of last century. Do you have any idea what they would fetch if they were in good condition?”
“Sticks,” said Paddy​
 
Sunday Morning Sex

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year-old grand mother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning." Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong." She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."
 
Which type of bees produce milk?

Boo bees.
 
I was first told that one by my 6 year old grandson - who is now 16!
 
What has four legs, is green, fuzzy and will kill you if it fell out of a tree?

A snooker table.
 
Old guy goes to the doctor,.....he's very hard of hearing,

His doctor says to him "I need a sperm sample, a urine sample, and a stool sample!"

Old man screams: "WHAT'D HE SAY????!!!"

The doctor asks again, and the poor old man still can't hear him...


His wife screams at him:






"HE NEEDS YOUR UNDERWEAR!!!"
 
I'd just come out of the shop with a large roast beef sandwich, chips,
ear of corn & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sat there and said
'I've not eaten for two days.' I told him, 'I wish I had your will power.
 
A 3-year-old boy examined his testicles while taking a bath. 'Mom', he asked, 'Are these my brains?'
'Not yet,' she replied.
 
I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony, shaking a carpet. I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it start?"
 

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