Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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And Little Old Brentford Played them off the pitch yesterday LOL
 
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A man wakes up in a hospital...bandaged...

The Doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the motorway.

You're going to be okay, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on...

"You have £9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis.

They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly £1000 an inch."

The man perks up.

So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife.

If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now, she might be a bit uncomfortable.

If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed.

The doctor comes back the next day,

“So, have you spoken with your wife?”

"Yes… I have...We're getting a new kitchen”.
 
Justice has been served!
There's been some scumbag called Cal going round breaking in to people's houses near me for months, but the police can't catch him. The weirdest thing about it all, is he was breaking into people's houses and ruining their washing machines by putting bricks in to them & turning them on while helping himself to whatever he wanted!!!!! Really weird if you ask me... Anyway, just read that he was found dead in an alley coz of a drug overdose.. It's never nice hearing of someones death, but on the bright side, washing machines live longer with Cal gone
 
Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.

The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize. 'Please allow me to help. I'm a
Physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me, she told him. 'Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few
minutes,' the man replied.

He was in obvious agony, lying in the fetal position, still clasping his hands there at his groin. At her persistence, however,
he finally allowed her to help. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her

hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, 'How does that feel'? Feels great, he replied; but I still think my thumb's broken !
 

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