Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[moonloops]

What did the cheese say at the mirror?

Haloumi

 

[D-18]

OLD PEOPLES SEX - Keeping the spark in a relationship.....​

The husband leans over and asks his wife, 'Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you.'
'Yes', she says, 'I remember it well.'
'OK,' he says, 'How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?'
'Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!'

A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them.

The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence.. The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground.

The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know.

After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is.

So, as the couple passes, he says to them, 'Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?'
Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, 'Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence.’

 

[Nicebutdim]

I wasn’t sure whether to post this in the music thread but I found it so unusually funny I put it here.

Plastic fox. The song. It’s brilliant.

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[bob6600]

 

[bob6600]

 

[ioweddie]

After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in his seat and closed his eyes.


As the train rolled out of the station, the young woman sitting next to him pulled out her cell phone and started talking in a loud voice:


"Hi sweetheart. It's Sue. I'm on the train". Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting. No, honey, not with that Kevin from the accounting office. It was with the boss. No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life. Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart!"


Fifteen minutes later, she was still talking loudly. When the man sitting next to her had enough, he leaned over and said into the phone, "Sue, hang up the phone and come back to bed."


Sue doesn't use her cell phone in public any longer.

 

[ioweddie]

A ham radio operator is sitting at his desk answering a letter from his insurance company.



Gentlemen:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for Block #3 on the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had brought up about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware.

Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in section 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold on to the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 lbs. I refer you again to my weight in section 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on to the pile of tools, so only three vertebrae were cracked. However, I am sorry to report that as I lay on the tools in pain, unable to stand and watch the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope ...

 

[ioweddie]

The real trouble with reality is that there's no background music.

Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.

War doesn't determine who's right. War determines who's left.

It's your god. They're your rules. *You* go to hell.

I once prayed to God for a bike, but quickly found out he didn’t work that way... so I stole a bike and prayed for his forgiveness

If pro is opposite of con, then what is the opposite of progress?

Sarcasm helps keep you from telling people what you really think of them.

If you think things can't get worse it's probably only because you lack sufficient imagination.

A train station is where the train stops. A bus station is where the bus stops. On my desk, I have a work station...

You can't be late until you show up.

Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway

Parents spend the first part of our lives teaching us to walk and talk, and the rest of it telling us to sit down and shut up.

Expecting the world to treat you fairly because you are good is like expecting the bull not to charge because you are a vegetarian.

A single death is a tragedy; a million deaths is a statistic.

The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources

Books have knowledge, knowledge is power, power corrupts, corruption is a crime, and crime doesn't pay so if you keep reading, you'll go broke



Advice for the day: If you have a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: Take two, and KEEP AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

 

[Benzmanc]

A ham radio operator is sitting at his desk answering a letter from his insurance company.



Gentlemen:

I am writing in response to your request for additional information for Block #3 on the accident reporting form. I put 'poor planning' as the cause of the accident. You said in your letter that I should explain more fully and I trust that the following details will be sufficient.

I am an amateur radio operator and was working on the top section of my new 80 foot tower. When I had completed my work, I discovered that I had brought up about 300 lbs. of tools and spare hardware.

Rather than carry the materials down by hand, I decided to lower the items using a pulley which fortunately was attached to the gin pole at the top of the tower.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went to the top of the tower and loaded the tools into a small barrel. Then I went back to the ground and untied the rope, holding tightly to ensure a slow descent of the 300 lbs. of tools.

You will note in section 11 of the accident report that I weigh 155 lbs. Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. I proceeded at a rather rapid rate of speed up the side of the tower.

In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming down. This explains my fractured skull and broken collar bone. Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley.

I regained my presence of mind and was able to hold on to the rope in spite of my pain. At the same time however, the barrel of tools hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel.

Devoid of the weight of the tools, the barrel now weighed approximately 20 lbs. I refer you again to my weight in section 11.

As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the tower. In the vicinity of the 40 foot level, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles and the lacerations on my legs and lower body.

The encounter with the barrel slowed me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell on to the pile of tools, so only three vertebrae were cracked. However, I am sorry to report that as I lay on the tools in pain, unable to stand and watch the empty barrel 80 feet above me, I again lost my presence of mind and let go of the rope ...

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[Chrishazle]

A ham radio operator is sitting at his desk answering a letter from his insurance company.

The original of this is an address to the Oxford Union in the 1930's by Gerrard Hoffnung about a builder getting building materials back down from the roof to the ground. You have to listen to the original recording at least twice as, between the laughter, you find yourself thinking "no, that's not what's going to happen" - and it does.

 

[Weds]

I remember listening to the Gerard Hoffnung recording many years ago. Very funny..

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[ioweddie]

Subject: Encounter in a lift

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds per testicle, Turner Brown.”

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, brings him to and says: “Are you OK, man?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “Yeah, oi tink so, but what was it you said to me?”

The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.”

The little Irishman says: “Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said: 'Turn around!’”

 

[MissyD]

Subject: Encounter in a lift

Skinny little white Irishman goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him, he looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds per testicle, Turner Brown.”

The little white Irishman faints and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down, brings him to and says: “Are you OK, man?”

In a weak voice the little guy says, “Yeah, oi tink so, but what was it you said to me?”

The big dude says: “I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me ... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each and my name is Turner Brown.”

The little Irishman says: “Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus, I thought you said: 'Turn around!’”

I just laughed out loud, brightened my day

 

[Chrishazle]

So did I the first time I heard this one - more years ago than I care to remember, but that happens a lot on this thread!

 

[Peter103]

 

[Nicebutdim]

Last night my wife sent me a text, saying she was in casualty.

So when I got home I watched all 50 minutes of it, and never once saw her in it, the lying cow.

She still hasn't come home yet and I'm starving....!!!!

 

[Deleted member 37751]

I just heard a woodpecker call me paranoid in morse code.

 

[bob6600]

 

[bob6600]

 

[ioweddie]