Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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Preparing for trump..new u.s. Army survival guide.

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Bob walked into a sports bar around 9:58 PM.
He sat down next to a blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV.

The 10 PM news was coming on.
The news crew was covering the story of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.


The blonde looked at Bob and said, "Do you think he'll jump?"


Bob said, "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't."
Bob placed a $20 bill on the bar and said, "You're on!"


Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.

The blonde was very upset, but willingly handed her $20 to Bob.
"Fair's fair. Here's your money."

Bob replied, "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news, so I knew he would jump."


The blonde replied, "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."



Bob took the money.
 
Q: How do you get a blonde to marry you?
A: Tell her she's pregnant.

A redhead tells her blonde stepsister, "I slept with a Brazilian...."
The blonde replies, "Oh my God! You slut! How many is a brazilian?"

Q: What do you call a skeleton in the closet with blonde hair?
A: Last year's hide-and-go-seek winner.

Q: What do you call a basement full of blondes?
A: A whine cellar.

Q: How do you know a blonde likes you?
A: She screws you two nights in a row.

Q: What does a blonde say if you blow in her ear?
A: "Thanks for the refill!"

Q: What do blondes do after they comb their hair?
A: They pull up their pants.

Q: How do you get a blonde on the roof?
A: Tell her drinks are on the house.

Q: What's a blondes favorite bread?
A: Hump-per-nickel

Q: Why did the blonde douche with Crest?
A: She heard it reduces cavities.

Q: Why are blondes immune to men?
A: They've been inoculated so many times.

Q: How do you know which blonde gives the best blow job?
A: Word of Mouth.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and a toothbrush?
A: You don't let your friends use your toothbrush.

Q: How did the blonde lawyer sway the judge?
A: She dropped her briefs.

Q: What did the blonde name her watch dogs?
A: Timex and Rolex.

Q: What's the difference between the wind and a blonde?
A: Some days the wind doesn't blow.

Q: Why did they call the blonde "Twinkie"?
A: She liked to be filled with cream.

Q: Why do brunettes work hard to keep their figure?
A: No one else wants it.

Q: Whats the worst thing about dating a blonde?
A: If you don't know what hole to put it in neither do they.

Q: Why do blondes wear underwear?
A: To keep their ankles warm.

Q: What can strike a blonde without her even knowing it?
A: A thought.

Q: Why was the blonde confused after giving birth to twins?
A: She couldn't figure out who the other mother was.

Q: Why does a blonde wear green lipstick? A: Because red means Stop.

Q: Did you hear about the blonde with a PhD in Psychology?
A: She'll blow your mind, too.

Q: Why did the blonde tattoo her zip-code on her thigh?
A: She wanted a lot of male in her box.

Q: What is a blonde's favorite color?
A: Glitter.

Q: What is the difference between blondes and traffic signs?
A: Some traffic signs say stop.

Q: Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A: It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.

Q: Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A: Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q: Why are blondes so easy to get into bed?
A: Who cares?

Q: Hear about the blonde that got an AM radio?
A: It took her a month to realize she could play it at night.
 
Quotes on Sex:

"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500."

Lynn Lavner


"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."

George Burns


"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."

Sharon Stone


"Hockey is a sport for white men. Basketball is a sport for black men. Golf is a sport for white men dressed like black pimps."

Tiger Woods


"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."

Jack Nicholson


"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."

Barbara Bush (FormerUS First Lady)


"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet."

Robin Williams


"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."

Robert De Niro


"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"

Dustin Hoffman


"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"

Jerry Seinfeld


"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time."

Robin Williams


"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."

Joan Rivers


Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy.

Steve Martin


You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life.
 
I had a big argument today with a guy at work about his terrible punctuation in a document.

I landed a good punch to defend myself but unfortunately he ended up in a comma.
 
A wife walks into the kitchen and finds her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.
She asks.."what are you doing"?
"Hunting flies" he says.
She says " have you killed any?"
"Yep, 3x males and 2x females" !
Intrigued..his wife asks "how can you tell them apart"?
He replies "easy.. 3x were on a beer can...2x were on the phone"!
 
Preparing for Donald Trump as President of the USA......






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My teacher asked me to "Describe yourself in 3 words"
I replied "I am a rebel"
:)
 
I had a row with my girlfriend yesterday.

That's one of the advantages of living close to a boating lake…

.
 
Had Kate Moss round my gaff last night. She didn't go home until 4am.


She can rabbit that one.
 
Satnav – A new poem by Pam Ayres
I have a little Satnav, it sits there in my car. A Satnav is a driver's friend it tells you where you are. I have a little Satnav, i've had it all my life. It's better than the normal ones, my Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, especially how to drive "It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five". It tells me when to stop and start, and when to use the brake And tells me that it's never ever, safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, and when it goes to green It seems to know instinctively, just when to intervene. It lists the vehicles just in front, and all those to the rear. And taking this into account, it specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, has so helpful a device. For when we leave and lock the car, it still gives its advice. It fills me up with counselling, each journey's pretty fraught. So why don't I exchange it, and get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, makes sure I'm properly fed. It washes all my shirts and things, and keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, and my tendency to scoff, I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
 
Written in the wrong accent, but definitely Pam Ayres.
It should have started - "Oi 'ave a leetle Sat-nav.." and continued in the same vein.

Thanks for a good one :)
 
A Marine boarded a train on his way home from deployment...
The train was quite crowded, and the Marine walked the entire length looking for a seat. There seemed to be one next to a well-dressed middle-aged French woman, but when he got there he saw it was taken by the woman's poodle.
The war-weary Marine asked, "Ma'am, may I have that seat?"
The French woman sniffed and said to no one in particular, "Americans are so rude.. My little Fifi is using that seat.."
The Marine walked the entire train again, but the only seat available was under that dog. "Please, Ma'am. May I sit down? I'm very tired."
She snorted, "Not only are you Americans rude, you are also arrogant!"
This time the Marine didn't say a word; he just picked up the little dog, tossed it out the train window and sat down.
The woman shrieked, "Someone must defend my honor! Put this American in his place!"
An English gentleman sitting nearby spoke up."Sir, you Americans seem to have a penchant for doing the wrong thing. You hold the fork in the wrong hand. You drive your autos on the wrong side of the road. And now, sir, you seem to have thrown the wrong b-tch out the window."
 
A woman driving along at speed passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side, lying in wait.

The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk & asked, 'What's your hurry?'
She replied, 'I'm late for work.'
'Oh yeah,' said the cop, 'what do you do?'
'I'm a Rectum Stretcher,' she responded.
The cop stammered, 'A what?............
'A Rectum Stretcher!'
'And just what does a rectum stretcher do?'

'Well,' she said, 'I start by inserting one finger in the rectum, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet'

'And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot ********?' he asked...

'You give him a radar gun & park him behind a bridge!'
 

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