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Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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A professor at Wayne State University in Detroit was
giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel
for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand
The professor takes off his glasses and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and
a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Sir, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
giving a lecture on Paranormal Studies. To get a feel
for his audience, he asks, "How many people here
believe in ghosts?"
About 90 students raise their hands.
"Well, that's a good start. Out of those who believe in
ghosts, do any of you think you have seen a ghost?"
About 40 students raise their hands.
"That's really good. I'm really glad you take this
seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"
About 15 students raise their hand
"Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"
Three students raise their hands.
"That's fantastic. Now let me ask you one question
further...Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?"
Way in the back, Hamad raises his hand
The professor takes off his glasses and says,
"Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no
one has ever claimed to have made love to a ghost.
You've got to come up here and tell us about your
experience."
The Middle Eastern student replied with a nod and
a grin, and began to make his way up to the podium.
When he reached the front of the room, the professor
asks, "So, Hamad , tell us what it's like to have sex
with a ghost?"
Hamad replied, "Sir, from way back there I thought you said Goats."
Flyinspanner
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After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some
action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her
birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots
Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he
caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible
whining noise!
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry
she ever married me
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I
crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no
reason
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her
make up.
My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for
her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.
But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it.
Got an e-mail today from a "bored housewife 32, looking for some
action!" I've sent her my ironing, that'll keep her busy.
The wife's been hinting she wants something black and lacy for her
birthday. So I've got her a pair of football boots
Growing up with a dyslexic father had its advantages. Whenever he
caught me swearing, he used to wash my mouth out with soup.
My wife asked if she could have a little peace and quiet while she
cooked the dinner, so I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm
Anyone got an owner's manual for a wife? Mine's giving off a terrible
whining noise!
My wife apologised for the first time ever today. She said she's sorry
she ever married me
My wife said I needed to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I
crashed the car, burnt the dinner and ignored her all day for no
reason
Scientists have discovered a certain food that diminishes a woman's
sex drive by 90 percent. It's called wedding cake.
Things turned really ugly at my house last night. The wife removed her
make up.
My wife shouted at me this morning for not opening the car door for
her. I would have, but I was too busy swimming to the surface.
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Giantvanman
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Not sure if this should be on the politics thread.
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU.
A farmer named Sam was overseeing his herd in a remote hilly pasture in Hereford when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced toward him out of a cloud of dust.
The driver, a young man in a Brioni® suit, Gucci® shoes, RayBan® sunglasses and YSL® tie, leaned out the window and asked the farmer, "If I tell you exactly how many cows and calves you have in your herd, will you give me a calf?"
Sam looks at the man, who obviously is a yuppie, then looks at his peacefully grazing animals and calmly answers, "Sure, why not?"
The yuppie parks his car, whips out his Dell® notebook computer, connects it to his Cingular RAZR V3® cell phone, and surfs to a NASA page on the Internet, where he calls up a GPS satellite to get an exact fix on his location which he then feeds to another NASA satellite that scans the area in an ultra-high-resolution photo.
The young man then opens the digital photo in Adobe Photoshop® and exports it to an image processing facility in Hamburg, Germany.
Within seconds, he receives an email on his Palm Pilot® that the image has been processed and the data stored. He then accesses an MS-SQL® database through an ODBC connected Excel® spreadsheet with email on his Blackberry® and, after a few minutes, receives a response.
Finally, he prints out a full-color, 150-page report on his hi-tech, miniaturized HP LaserJet® printer, turns to the Farmer and says, "You have exactly 1,586 cows and calves."
"That's right. Well, I guess you can take one of my calves," says Sam.
He watches the young man select one of the animals and looks on with amusement as the young man stuffs it into the trunk of his car.
Then Sam says to the young man, "Hey, if I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my calf?"
The young man thinks about it for a second and then says, "Okay, why not?"
"You're a Member of the European Parliament", says Sam.
"Wow! That's correct," says the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"
"No guessing required." answered Sam. "You showed up here even though nobody called you; you want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked. You used millions of pounds worth of equipment trying to show me how much smarter than me you are; and you don't know a thing about how working people make a living - or about cows, for that matter. This is a herd of sheep. Now give me back my dog.
AND THAT Friends IS WHAT THE PROBLEM IS WITH THE EU.
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If anyone wants a full list of Bugs Bunny jokes, I can send it in a WhatsApp.doc
(Nicked from the Basschat forum)
(Nicked from the Basschat forum)
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When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted, as was his wife.
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent Urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife, 'you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?'
But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned, so he and his wife went to see a prominent Urologist. After an initial examination, the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph's condition could be cured through corrective surgery.
'How long will Ralph be on crutches?' the wife asked anxiously. 'Crutches? Why would he need crutches?' responded the surprised doctor.
'Well,' said the wife, 'you are planning to lengthen Ralph's legs, aren't you?'
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A little rude, but she is undeniably, very funny.
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