Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[Swotty]

 

[bob6600]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[Deleted member 6183]

Even more new jokes?

 

[D-18]

 

[ioweddie]

Since it is such a crappy day, I sat in my recliner and started thinking about life. I came to realize that as I have grown older I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake.


Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore, a friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

Lance Armstrong … I think it is just terrible and disgusting how everyone has treated Lance Armstrong, especially after what he achieved: winning 7 Tour de France races while on drugs. Hell, when I was on drugs, I couldn't even find my bike.

Drive By … Someone broke into my house last week. They didn't take my TV, just the remote. Now they drive by and change the channels. Sick bastards!

The Agony of Aging … On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked - You're supposed to turn your clock back."

Video Scam … Just got scammed out of $25. Bought Tiger Woods' DVD entitled "My Favorite 18 Holes." Turns out it's all about golf. Absolute waste of money! Pass this on so others don't get scammed.

Pregnant Prostitute … Doctor asks a pregnant prostitute, "Do you know who the father is?" She replied, "If you ate a can of beans would you know which one made you fart!


WHAT A DAY !!!!!!!!!!!!

 

[bob6600]

A petrol station owner in Ireland was trying to increase his sales, so he put up a sign that read, 'Free Sex with Fill-Up.'

Paddy pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10.
If he guessed correctly, he would get his free sex.

Paddy guessed 8, and the proprietor said, 'You were close.
The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.'

A week later, Paddy, along with his friend Mick, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex.
The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number.

Paddy guessed 2. The proprietor said, 'Sorry, it was 3.
You were close, but no free sex this time.'

As they were driving away, Mick said to Paddy,
'I think that game is rigged and he doesn't really
give away free sex at all.'

Paddy replied, 'No it's genuine enough Mick.

My wife won twice last week.'

 

[D-18]

 

[flying haggis]

A small church had a very attractive big-busted organist named Susan, and her breasts were so large that they bounced and jiggled while she played the organ.

Unfortunately, she distracted the male part of the congregation considerably. The very proper church ladies were appalled.

They said something had to be done about this or they would have to get another organist.

So one of the ladies approached Susan very discreetly about the problem, & told her to mash up some green persimmons & rub them on her nipples and all over her breasts, which should cause them to shrink in size, but warned her not to taste any of the green persimmons, because they are so sour they will make your mouth pucker up & you won't be able to talk properly for a while.

The voluptuous organist reluctantly agreed to try it.

The following Sunday morning the minister walked up to the pulpit and said,

“Dew to thircumsthanthis bewond my contwol, we will not hab a thermon tewday.

 

[D-18]

 

[D-18]

 

[markjay]

They all laughed when I told them I wanted to become a comedian. Well I showed them, they're not laughing now!

 

[saff]

Bloke walks into a chippy and sees the menu. Chips £1, Pies £1, H*ndjobs £10. He sees the attractive young lady behind the range who smiles sweetly at him and he asks " Are you the lady who provides the h*ndjobs?" "Yes", she says. Bloke replies "well wash your hands, I want Pie and chips!"

 

[bob6600]

 

[D-18]

 

[D-18]

 

[Rayny]

Bloke walks into a chippy and sees the menu. Chips £1, Pies £1, H*ndjobs £10. He sees the attractive young lady behind the range who smiles sweetly at him and he asks " Are you the lady who provides the h*ndjobs?" "Yes", she says. Bloke replies "well wash your hands, I want Pie and chips!"

Completely different to the drunken stagger home from the pub when you would stop in the chippy and ask if they had any chips left - If they said 'yes', you would reply by saying 'well it's your fault for cooking too many'.

 

[MercedesDriver]

To view this content we will need your consent to set third party cookies.
For more detailed information, see our cookies page.

Accept third party cookies

 

[bob6600]

 

[D-18]