Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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Wife comes home early and catches hubby having a **** in the kitchen, she rushes over,and gives him the best blow job of his life.Afterwards he says, "We haven't had sex for 6 months,and suddenly this...Why?..She says. "I only washed the floor this morning, I'd rather clean my teeth, than get the mop out again!!
 
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Olympics History

With the Summer Games coming up shortly, here is a piece of Greek history.



2500 years ago a slave prostitute from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name.

In those days the athletes performed naked. To prevent unwanted penis arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter, before and throughout the variety of events.

At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed: "Oh! Limp pricks!". Over the next two and a half millennia that expression morphed into "Olympics".

Just thought I’d share this new-found knowledge with you. You are welcome. And do enjoy the summer Games.
 
My son was thrown out of school today for letting a girl in his class give him a hand job, I said son that's the 3rd school this year already, if this goes on, I think you'd better give up the idea of being a teacher altogether. :eek:
 
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I was devastated to find out my wife is having an affair,but by turning to religion I was soon able to come to terms with the whole thing.
I converted to Islam, and we're stoning her in the morning. :)
 
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal in women.
Chief among these is the mercedes SL500. ;)
 
I can make you speak Irish


Say "Whale oil beef hooked" quickly
 
A farmer goes out and buys a new, young rooster. As soon as he brings him home, the young rooster rushes and screws all 150 of the farmers hens. The farmer is impressed. At lunchtime, the young rooster again screws all 150 hens. The farmer is not just impressed anymore,he is worried. Next morning,not only is the rooster screwing the hens but he is screwing the turkeys,ducks even the cow.

Later farmer looks out into the barnyard and finds the rooster stretched out, limp as a rag, his eyes closed, dead and vultures circling overhead. The farmer runs out, looks down at the young roosters limp body and says: "You deserved it, you horny *******!" And the young rooster opens one eye, points up at the vultures with his wing, and says, "Shhhh! They're about to land."
 
A farmer buys a young rooster, upon being brought back to the farm the rooster meets the old rooster.
The younger one says "go away old man, these hens are mine",
to which the old rooster replies "let's make a deal, if I can beat you around the barnyard I'll take all the hens,
if you beat me, you can have all of them."
So the young rooster allows the old one a head start before chasing after him, and just as he begins to overtake
him there's a loud crack and the farmer lowers his rifle muttering
"Damn, that's the third gay rooster I've bought this month..."
 
Warning to all drivers...

I filled the car up with petrol and didnt realise I spilt some on my sleeve. As I was driving along the motorway at about seventy, I lit a cigar and to my absolute horror, my right sleeve burst into flames!

The only thing I could think of was to open the window and stick my arm out, hoping the wind would blow the flames out.

The policeman driving the car I had just overtaken reported me for having an unlicensed firearm.
 
The Highways Agency found over 200 dead crows on the M4 near Bridgend recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

An avian pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was NOT Avian Flu.

The cause of death appeared to be from impacts with vehicles.

However, during analysis it was noted that varying colours of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws. By analysing these paint residues it was found that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with lorrys, while only 2% were killed by cars.

The Highways Agency then hired an Ornithological Behaviourist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills. The Ornithological Behaviourist quickly concluded that when crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow to warn of danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout "Cah cah", not a single one could shout "Lorry"
 
StuartK said:
What's the useless flap of skin around a vagina? A woman :D


How would YOU know ?

;0)))
 
A drummer was so depressed about his bad timing that he decided to end it all and threw himself behind a train.
 
Vinnie is in jail. His father writes to tell him he wishes Vinnie were home now to dig up the tomato garden.
Vinnie writes back not to do that, since that is where he buried the bodies.
The next day the FBI digs up the ground and finds no bodies.
A day later Vinnie writes,
‘Under the circumstances, Dad, that was the best I could do.'
 
I'm not going to watch the Olympic opening ceremony on Friday.

If I want to watch 700 people walking around in tracksuits, Liverpool's only an hour's drive away.
 
Not a joke, but made me smile anyway.

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