Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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A man dialled 999 and said, I think my wife's dead, The operator said"how do you know? He said, "well, the sex is about the same, but the dishes are piling up".
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I went to the pub with my girlfriend last night, and locals were shouting paedofile and other names at me, just because my girlfriend is 24 and I'm 50. it completely spoiled our 10th anniversary.
A250 Bennyboy
Active Member
Paddy goes it to a florist and asks for a bunch of flowers for my wife
The florist asked him what are you after
A shag says Paddy
The florist asked him what are you after
A shag says Paddy
Sorry Pete
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Jurisprudence fetishist gets off on technicality
My girlfriend asked me if I loved her? I told her of course I do, I fcuk you and smoke your fags don't I?
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You mean that you buy her "designer" clothes?
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Two women police dog handlers are on the beat, one says "I'm cold I left my knickers at the station."
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your ***** and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.
************************************************** ************************************************** ********
Paddy says to Murphy "I robbed a shop last night, i took a load of pictures, the cheapest one is worth £180,000!"..... Murphy says " Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya fecking eejit"
************************************************** ************************************************** *
House party- there's always one left over in the morning! Lying on the floor behind the sofa, legless, can't stand! Asked where he lived then dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, flipping legs all over the place! Chucked him in the car and took him home! Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door! Brought your son home from the party! His mum replies "did you bring his wheelchair"?
************************************************** ************************************************** *********
A new report out says 1000 scousers where asked if they thought Britain should change its currency, 99% said no they where happy with the Giro!
************************************************** ************************************************** **********
I've had a call to say my ex-wife's been rushed to hospital. First reports are she's not looking good but Still No word on her condition.
************************************************** ********************************************
I was mad when my 10yr old told me his teacher
said I'm a bad parent
"Right" I said to him "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with him!!..
************************************************** ******************************************
Woo hoo!, The wifes finally agreed to **** sex. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What the ****s a strap on??!
************************************************** ************************************************** ******
I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."
"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own ****ing bed?
The other one says "let the dog have a sniff of your ***** and he'll fetch them."
The dog returned 20 minutes later with her knickers and truncheon two broom handles and 3 of the desk sergeants fingers.
************************************************** ************************************************** ********
Paddy says to Murphy "I robbed a shop last night, i took a load of pictures, the cheapest one is worth £180,000!"..... Murphy says " Paddy you've robbed an estate agents ya fecking eejit"
************************************************** ************************************************** *
House party- there's always one left over in the morning! Lying on the floor behind the sofa, legless, can't stand! Asked where he lived then dragged him up, pulled him down the path to the car, flipping legs all over the place! Chucked him in the car and took him home! Dragged him up to his house and knocked on the door! Brought your son home from the party! His mum replies "did you bring his wheelchair"?
************************************************** ************************************************** *********
A new report out says 1000 scousers where asked if they thought Britain should change its currency, 99% said no they where happy with the Giro!
************************************************** ************************************************** **********
I've had a call to say my ex-wife's been rushed to hospital. First reports are she's not looking good but Still No word on her condition.
************************************************** ********************************************
I was mad when my 10yr old told me his teacher
said I'm a bad parent
"Right" I said to him "Finish your pint and we'll go and have it out with him!!..
************************************************** ******************************************
Woo hoo!, The wifes finally agreed to **** sex. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .
What the ****s a strap on??!
************************************************** ************************************************** ******
I took a girl back to my house for sex last night.
After going upstairs, I slowly removed my clothes and climbed under the quilt.
"You'll have to be really quiet," I whispered, "My mum & dad are asleep."
"I can see that," she said, "Have you not got your own ****ing bed?
An English bloke walks into a bookshop in Bradford and asks,
Do you have the latest book by UKIP?
The Pakistani owner looks at him aghast and shouts ,F#©k off and don't come back.
The English bloke replies, yeah, that'll be the one.
Do you have the latest book by UKIP?
The Pakistani owner looks at him aghast and shouts ,F#©k off and don't come back.
The English bloke replies, yeah, that'll be the one.
Brian 1
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I bought a new stick deodorant today. The instructions said: "Remove cap and push up bottom". It hurts to walk, but whenever I fart, the room smells lovely !
Tim203
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Brilliant Joke off boys!! Keep 'em comin.
A young woman went for a job interview as a secretary,
The boss asked her "can you use a Dictaphone?"
She replied, "pencil, finger, di©k, its all the same to me".
The boss asked her "can you use a Dictaphone?"
She replied, "pencil, finger, di©k, its all the same to me".
Husband says to wife, Shall we try a different position tonight?
Wife, That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board, and I'll lay on the sofa and fart.
Wife, That's a good idea, you stand by the ironing board, and I'll lay on the sofa and fart.
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I went to the pharmacy counter yesterday and asked for some deodorant.
Roll on ball, sir?
No, it's just for under my armpits, thanks.
Roll on ball, sir?
No, it's just for under my armpits, thanks.
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[YOUTUBE]LS37SNYjg8w#t=1.153896[/YOUTUBE]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w#t=1.153896
[YOUTUBE]y4CXY6TVBMc[/YOUTUBE]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4CXY6TVBMc
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LS37SNYjg8w#t=1.153896
[YOUTUBE]y4CXY6TVBMc[/YOUTUBE]
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=y4CXY6TVBMc
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I've just been watching the Olympic Ladies Beach Volleyball and there has been a wrist injury already.
I should be fine by Monday.
I should be fine by Monday.
OP
OP
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A couple in their nineties are both having problems remembering things. During a check-up, the doctor tells them that they're physically okay, but they might want to start writing things down to help them remember ..
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
_____________________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
_________________________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
_________________________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
_________________________________________________________
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
________________________________________________________
Geoffrey, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Geoffrey walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Geoffrey and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
_____________________________________________________________
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
Later that night, while watching TV, the old man gets up from his chair. 'Want anything while I'm in the kitchen?' he asks.
'Will you get me a bowl of ice cream?'
'Sure.'
'Don't you think you should write it down so you can remember it?' she asks.
'No, I can remember it.'
'Well, I'd like some strawberries on top, too. Maybe you should write it down, so as not to forget it?'
He says, 'I can remember that. You want a bowl of ice cream with strawberries.'
'I'd also like whipped cream. I'm certain you'll forget that, write it down?' she asks.
Irritated, he says, 'I don't need to write it down, I can remember it! Ice cream with strawberries and whipped cream - I got it, for goodness sake!'
Then he toddles into the kitchen. After about 20 minutes, the old man returns from the kitchen and hands his wife a plate of bacon and eggs. She stares at the plate for a moment.
'Where's my toast?'
_____________________________________________________
An elderly couple had dinner at another couple's house, and after eating, the wives left the table and went into the kitchen.
The two gentlemen were talking, and one said, 'Last night we went out to a new restaurant and it was really great. I would recommend it very highly.'
The other man said, 'What is the name of the restaurant?'
The first man thought and thought and finally said, 'What’s the name of that flower you give to someone you love? You know, the one that's red and has thorns.'
'Do you mean a rose?'
'Yes, that's the one,' replied the man. He then turned towards the kitchen and yelled, 'Rose, what's the name of that restaurant we went to last night?'
_________________________________________________________
Hospital regulations require a wheel chair for patients being discharged. However, while working as a student nurse, I found one elderly gentleman already dressed and sitting on the bed with a suitcase at his feet, who insisted he didn't need my help to leave the hospital.
After a chat about rules being rules, he reluctantly let me wheel him to the elevator.
On the way down I asked him if his wife was meeting him.
'I don't know,' he said. 'She's still upstairs in the bathroom changing out of her hospital gown.'
_________________________________________________________
A senior citizen said to his eighty-year old buddy:
'So I hear you're getting married?'
'Yep!'
'Do I know her?'
'Nope!'
'This woman, is she good looking?'
'Not really.'
'Is she a good cook?'
'Naw, she can't cook too well.'
'Does she have lots of money?'
'Nope! Poor as a church mouse.'
'Well, then, is she good in bed?'
'I don't know.'
'Why in the world do you want to marry her then?'
'Because she can still drive!'
_________________________________________________________
A man was telling his neighbour, 'I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand pounds, but it's state of the art. It's perfect.'
'Really,' answered the neighbor. 'What kind is it?'
'Twelve thirty.'
________________________________________________________
Geoffrey, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical.
A few days later, the doctor saw Geoffrey walking down the street with a gorgeous young woman on his arm.
A couple of days later, the doctor spoke to Geoffrey and said, 'You're really doing great, aren't you?'
Morris replied, 'Just doing what you said, Doc: 'Get a hot mamma and be cheerful.''
The doctor said, 'I didn't say that.. I said, 'You've got a heart murmur; be careful.'
_____________________________________________________________
One more. . .!
A little old man shuffled slowly into an ice cream parlour and pulled himself slowly, painfully, up onto a stool... After catching his breath, he ordered a banana split.
The waitress asked kindly, 'Crushed nuts?'
'No,' he replied, 'Arthritis.'
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