Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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Q - How do you milk sheep?
A - Release another iPhone.......
A - Release another iPhone.......
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A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she might be pregnant.
Very worried, the Mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her worst fear that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the Mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the Father and Mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take full responsibility. I will pay all expenses and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
Everyone goes silent at this point, then Mother places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him
"You'll try again."
Very worried, the Mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her worst fear that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the Mother says, "Who was the selfish bastard that did this to you? I demand to know!
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the Father and Mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take full responsibility. I will pay all expenses and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath her two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
Everyone goes silent at this point, then Mother places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him
"You'll try again."
chrisk2010
MB Enthusiast
Why Men are not Agony Aunts!
Dear Peter.
Last Wednesday I left my house as normal to go to work.
After driving for about 3 minutes my car 'stalled'.
I started it again but after about another 5 minutes it stalled again and this time it would not start again so I started to walk back home.
The walk back to my home took me about 45 minutes, and when I entered my house I went into my front room and found my husband making love to our neighbours daughter in front of our fire.
You can imagine my surprise and horror. I was absolutely devastated.
I just burst out crying.
I am 45 years old and my husband is 49. The neighbours daughter is only 18.
My husband has since confessed to me that he has been having an affair with this young lady for over 9 months but refuses to believe that he is doing anything wrong and in fact claims that the whole situation is mainly my fault.
We were as far as I know, happily married and we had a fulfilled and happy sex life.
I have been totally faithful to my husband throughout our 21 years of marriage.
He refuses to seek any help from our GP and absolutely refuses to go to any counselling. He will not talk to any of our close friends about this either.
I am at my wits end as I do not want our marriage to end but I simply cannot continue to live in this way
Please, please advise me as I do not know what to do. I cannot stop crying.
Yours sincerely.
Catherine fromHampshire..................................... .................................................. .................................................. ...
Dear Catherine from Hampshire
Try not to get too upset
I get a lot of letters like yours and I advise you the following:
When a car stalls and refuses to restart, it tends to mean that the problem is often fuel related.
Owing to the fact that it refused to start the second time, leads me to believe that either the 'Injectors' or the fuel lines are blocked as there appears to be insufficient fuel pressure reaching the pistons.
The only other possibility is the actual fuel pump itself is not working correctly.
To replace the fuel pump is extremely expensive so I would suggest that you start with the injectors as this is a relatively inexpensive job for any mechanic and is probably the main cause of the problem.
If you wish I can supply you with contact details of some very good mechanics who may be able to assist you.
I hope this is of some help and comfort to you.
I know it is difficult. But try to pull yourself together after all it is only a car.
Yours sincerely
Peter
Dear Peter.
Last Wednesday I left my house as normal to go to work.
After driving for about 3 minutes my car 'stalled'.
I started it again but after about another 5 minutes it stalled again and this time it would not start again so I started to walk back home.
The walk back to my home took me about 45 minutes, and when I entered my house I went into my front room and found my husband making love to our neighbours daughter in front of our fire.
You can imagine my surprise and horror. I was absolutely devastated.
I just burst out crying.
I am 45 years old and my husband is 49. The neighbours daughter is only 18.
My husband has since confessed to me that he has been having an affair with this young lady for over 9 months but refuses to believe that he is doing anything wrong and in fact claims that the whole situation is mainly my fault.
We were as far as I know, happily married and we had a fulfilled and happy sex life.
I have been totally faithful to my husband throughout our 21 years of marriage.
He refuses to seek any help from our GP and absolutely refuses to go to any counselling. He will not talk to any of our close friends about this either.
I am at my wits end as I do not want our marriage to end but I simply cannot continue to live in this way
Please, please advise me as I do not know what to do. I cannot stop crying.
Yours sincerely.
Catherine fromHampshire..................................... .................................................. .................................................. ...
Dear Catherine from Hampshire
Try not to get too upset
I get a lot of letters like yours and I advise you the following:
When a car stalls and refuses to restart, it tends to mean that the problem is often fuel related.
Owing to the fact that it refused to start the second time, leads me to believe that either the 'Injectors' or the fuel lines are blocked as there appears to be insufficient fuel pressure reaching the pistons.
The only other possibility is the actual fuel pump itself is not working correctly.
To replace the fuel pump is extremely expensive so I would suggest that you start with the injectors as this is a relatively inexpensive job for any mechanic and is probably the main cause of the problem.
If you wish I can supply you with contact details of some very good mechanics who may be able to assist you.
I hope this is of some help and comfort to you.
I know it is difficult. But try to pull yourself together after all it is only a car.
Yours sincerely
Peter
Possible Xmas Present?
Don't ask how I found this......
Don't ask how I found this......
- Joined
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- Winford Isle of Wight
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A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway bench next to a priest.
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and
a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.
After a few minutes, the man turned to the priest and asked, "Say Father,
what causes arthritis?"
The priest replies, "My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with
cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man,
sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."
The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned." Then returned to his paper.
The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry; I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"
The drunk answered, "I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."
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WINDOWS:
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USER:
cabbage
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USER:
boiled cabbage
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USER:
1 boiled cabbage
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USER:
50damnboiledcabbages
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50DAMNboiledcabbages
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USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYo urAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !
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ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCab bagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontG iveMeAccessNow
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USER:
cabbage
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USER:
boiled cabbage
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USER:
1 boiled cabbage
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USER:
50damnboiledcabbages
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USER:
50DAMNboiledcabbages
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USER:
50damnBoiledCabbagesShovedUpYo urAssIfYouDon'tGiveMeAccessNow !
WINDOWS:
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USER:
ReallyPissedOff50DamnBoiledCab bagesShovedUpYourAssIfYouDontG iveMeAccessNow
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Whats Forest Gump's Password?
1Forest1
1Forest1
CLSMark
Banned
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grimree
Active Member
I was in the pub when my wife called and said she was in Casualty, I went straight home and turned on the telly, watched the programme all the way through, but never saw her. Hope she gets home soon, I'm starving
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An Irish daughter approaching her forties had not been home for over ten years. Upon her return, her aging Father cursed her heavily.
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
Through bounteous tears, his daughter replied, "Dad...I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. Fer me little brother, this gold Rolex. And fer ye, Daddy, a sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, along with a membership to the country club..." (takes a breath) "...and an invitation fer ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
Putting his hand to his good ear, her father asked "What was it ye said ye had become?"
Bursting into tears once more, his daughter bawled, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
"Protestant"! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
"Where have ye been all this time, child? Why did ye not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't ye call? Can ye not understand what ye put yer old Mother through?"
Through bounteous tears, his daughter replied, "Dad...I became a prostitute."
"Ye what!? Get out a here, ye shameless harlot! Sinner! You're a disgrace to this Catholic family!"
"OK, Dad... as ye wish. I only came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion, plus a $5 million savings certificate. Fer me little brother, this gold Rolex. And fer ye, Daddy, a sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside, along with a membership to the country club..." (takes a breath) "...and an invitation fer ye all to spend New Year's Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera."
Putting his hand to his good ear, her father asked "What was it ye said ye had become?"
Bursting into tears once more, his daughter bawled, "A prostitute, Daddy!"
"Oh! My Goodness! Ye scared me half to death, girl! I thought ye said a
"Protestant"! Come here and give yer old Dad a hug!"
So my newly released movie about Viagra just happened to be a flop.
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You pick up a Hitchhiker, a Young, Sexy, Beautiful Girl. Suddenly, she faints inside your car and you take her to the hospital.
Now that's Stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is Pregnant and Congratulate you that you're going to be a Father. You say that you are not the Father, but the girl says you are.
This is Getting Very Stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are Not the Father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're Infertile, and probably have been Since Birth. You're Extremely Stressed but Relieved.
On your way back Home, you think about your 5 Kids at Home.
Now That’s Stress...
Now that's Stressful.
But at the hospital, they say she is Pregnant and Congratulate you that you're going to be a Father. You say that you are not the Father, but the girl says you are.
This is Getting Very Stressful!
You request a DNA test to prove that you are Not the Father. After the tests are completed, The doctor says the test shows you're Infertile, and probably have been Since Birth. You're Extremely Stressed but Relieved.
On your way back Home, you think about your 5 Kids at Home.
Now That’s Stress...
- Joined
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A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,'
she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new
madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's
really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about
the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00. 'Why so little,'
she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this
bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some
pretty vulgar stuff.'
The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way.
She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and
waited for it to say something.
The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new
madam.'
The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's
really not so bad.'
When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and
said,'New house, new madam, new girls.'
The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about
the situation,considering how and where the parrot had been raised.
Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work.
The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith'
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