Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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My wife lost a tooth last night by eating a packet of dry roasted peanuts.
In fairness I did actually ask her to stop rustling the bag,
while I was watching the football.
In fairness I did actually ask her to stop rustling the bag,
while I was watching the football.
My doctor encouraged me to masterbate more often.
Well, what he actually said was, I could have a stroke at anytime.
Well, what he actually said was, I could have a stroke at anytime.
OP
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What's got four heads and three teeth?
The Jeremy Kyle show.
The Jeremy Kyle show.
OP
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Michael O’Leary, Chief Executive of Ryanair after arriving in a hotel in Manchester went to the bar and asked for a pint of Guinness.
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
The barman said, "That will be £1 please, Mr. O’Leary."
Taken aback, O'Leary replied, "That's very cheap," and handed over his money.
"We do try to stay ahead of the competition", said the barman. "We have the cheapest beer in England".
"That is remarkable value", Michael comments.
"I see you don't have a glass, you'll need one of ours. That will be £3 please."
O'Leary scowled, but paid up. He took his drink and walked towards a seat.
"Ah, you want to sit down?" said the barman. "That'll be an extra £2. If you'd pre-booked it would have cost £1."
O'Leary swore to himself, but paid up.
"I see you've brought your laptop" added the barman. "That wasn't pre-booked either, that's another £3."
O'Leary was so incensed and his face was red with rage.
"I've had enough! I insist on speaking to a manager!"
"Here is his e-mail address, or if you wish, you can contact him between 9.00 am and 9.01am every morning, Monday to Tuesday. Calls are free, unless answered, then there is a charge of only £1 per second".
"I will never use this bar again".
"OK but do remember, we are the only hotel in England selling pints for £1."
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Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha.
If your headlights taste of garlic, you may have put the wrong type of bulb in them.
Edited unable to upload.
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classiccarzone
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Heard about the progressive English farmer; he was outstanding in his own field
My mate Dave rang the Erectile Dysfunction Clinic and said "Sorry, I've got to cancel my appointment - something has come up"
ash59fifty-uk
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A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. However, her little son who was 9 years old comes home without any warnings, son sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch what’s happening. After a little while, the woman’s husband also comes home. Therefore, she puts her lover in the closet, and she does not realize that her son is in there already.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The man says, “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”
Man ~ “That’s nice.”
Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”
Man ~ “No, thanks.”
Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”
Man ~ “OK, how much?”
Boy ~ “$250?
In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.
Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”
Man ~ “Yes, it is.”
Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”
The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”
Boy ~ “$750?
Man ~ “Fine.”
A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”
The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”
The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”
Boy ~ “$1,000?
The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”
They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.
The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”
The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”
Last edited:
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An elderly woman, well into her eighties, slowly entered the front door of a 'Sex Shop'.
Obviously unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few paces across to the counter.
Finally, after grabbing the counter for support, she stuttered to the sales assistant.
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
The assistant (trying not to laugh), politely replied.
"Yes, we do have dildos. Actually, we carry many different models."
The old woman then asked.
"Doooo youuuu haaave aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbbaatteries?"
Trying not to laugh, but with a smile creeping around his mouth, the assistant responded. "Yes, yes we do."
She then stammered. "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
Obviously unstable on her feet, she wobbled the few paces across to the counter.
Finally, after grabbing the counter for support, she stuttered to the sales assistant.
"Dooo youuuu have dilllldooos?"
The assistant (trying not to laugh), politely replied.
"Yes, we do have dildos. Actually, we carry many different models."
The old woman then asked.
"Doooo youuuu haaave aaa pppinkk onnee, tttenn inchessss lllong aaandd aabboutt ttwoo inchesss ththiickk ... aaand rrunns on bbbaatteries?"
Trying not to laugh, but with a smile creeping around his mouth, the assistant responded. "Yes, yes we do."
She then stammered. "Dddooo yyoouu kknnnooww hhhoww ttooo ttturrrnn iittt offff?"
sssammm
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Is it possible to take a skin graft from your buttock and transfer it to someone who isn't family?
Ars* skin for a friend.
Ars* skin for a friend.
Every time I turn on my laptop it starts reading out Rabbie Burns poems. Last time I'm buying a MacBook.
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