Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[moonloops]

So, I went into my local bakers and asked the girl behind the counter, do you have floury baps?

She replied, no it's just a pattern on my bra

 

[Chrishazle]

That must be a Scottish joke - one of my crew off Shetland (he was from just north of Aberdeen) used to refer to threppeny bits as copie (as in Co-op) baps!

 

[moonloops]

That must be a Scottish joke - one of my crew off Shetland (he was from just north of Aberdeen) used to refer to threppeny bits as copie (as in Co-op) baps!

No, not a Scottish joke, as I created it. The best Scottish joke I ever came across was:

When a Scottish person leaves for England, the average IQ goes up in both countries.

 

[Flyinspanner]

Big mistake,... filled the Escort with diesel.
.
.
.
.
.she died.

 

[ioweddie]

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...


A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...


Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....


Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.


Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will 'ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."


After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

 

[bob6600]

 

[bob6600]

 

[mercmancdi]

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. However, her little son who was 9 years old comes home without any warnings, son sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch what’s happening. After a little while, the woman’s husband also comes home. Therefore, she puts her lover in the closet, and she does not realize that her son is in there already.

The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”

The man says, “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball.”

Man ~ “That’s nice.”

Boy ~ “Want to buy it?”

Man ~ “No, thanks.”

Boy ~ “My dad’s outside.”

Man ~ “OK, how much?”

Boy ~ “$250?

In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together.

Boy ~ “Its dark in here.”

Man ~ “Yes, it is.”

Boy ~ “I have a baseball glove.”

The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, “How much?”

Boy ~ “$750?

Man ~ “Fine.”

A few days later, the father says to the boy, “Grab your glove, let’s go outside and have a game of catch.”

The boy says, “I can’t, I sold my baseball and my glove.”

The father asks, “How much did you sell them for?”

Boy ~ “$1,000?

The father says, “That’s terrible to overcharge your friends like that… that is way more than those two things cost.I’m going to take you to church and make you confess.”

They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door.

The boy says, “It’s dark in here.”

The priest says, “Don’t start that crap again.”

10/10.

 

[moonloops]

I just drew a spider using crayons, I'm going to call it a creepy scrawly.

 

[baxlin]

Along the same lines....

It’s so crowded I’ve picked my own pocket twice!

 

[tangey]

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...


A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it's definitely race related...


Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8....


Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him.


Paddy is doing some roofing work for Murphy. He nears the top of the ladder and starts shaking and going dizzy. He calls down to Murphy and says "I tink I will 'ave to go home, I've come all over giddy and feel sick."

Murphy asks "Ave yer got vertigo?"

Paddy replies "No I only live round the corner."


After 100 years lying on the sea bed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full.

 

[tangey]

Guaranteed new joke.

Not many people are aware that the current Liverpool manager isn't the most famous person in his family.
Back home, Jurgen's brother is a high profile race-horse trainer.

That's right, in Germany it's Klipitee that everyone's heard of.

 

[D-18]

 

[ioweddie]

 

[AMGeed]

Ooops

 

[Peter103]

A man sees a sign outside a house, "Talking dog for sale £10." He rings the bell, the owner appears and tells him
the dog can be viewed in the back garden.
The man sees a very nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there, "do you really talk?" he asks the dog.
"Yes" the Labrador replies.
After recovering from the shock of hearing the dog talk, he says to him, well, tell me your story.
The Labrador says, when I was very young I realised I could talk, and decided to help the government, so they joined me to the SAS, in no time at all they had me jetting off all over the world tracking spies, sitting in with heads of government, and reporting back to our prime minister, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years,but the jetting around really tired me out, so I decided to take an undercover job at Heathrow Airport, and do some specialist work. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded several medals, but I've now decided to retire.
The man is amazed and goes back into the house and asks the man how much he wants for the dog. "Ten quid" he says.£10 , but this dog is amazing! why on earth are you selling him so cheaply?
"Because he's a lying bastard, he's never been out of the back garden!"

 

[moonloops]

Is a doctor who specialises in nose cancer called a honkologist?

 

[Chrishazle]

Don't! Decades ago a doctor friend told me he was moving into paediatrics - I though he was becoming a foot doctor (French for foot is pied!), gave the lads a good laugh though!

 

[ioweddie]

"TENJOOBERRYMUDS"... (first line)

In order to continue getting-by in Canada (our home land), we all need to learn the NEW English language! Practice by reading the following conversation until you are able to understand the term "TENJOOBERRYMUDS".

With a little patience, you 'll be able to fit right in.
Now, here goes...

The following is a telephone exchange between maybe you as a hotel guest and call room-service somewhere in the good old Canada today.......

Room Service : "Morrin. Roon sirbees."

Guest : "Sorry, I thought I dialed room-service."

Room Service: " Rye . Roon sirbees...morrin! Joowish to oddor sunteen???"

Guest: "Uh..... Yes, I 'd like to order bacon and eggs.."

Room Service: "Ow July den?"

Guest: ".....What??"

Room Service: "Ow July den?!?... Pryed, boyud, poochd?"

Guest: "Oh, the eggs! How do I like them? Sorry.. Scrambled, please."

Room Service: "Ow July dee baykem? Crease?"

Guest: "Crisp will be fine."

Room Service: "Hokay. An Sahn toes?"

Guest: "What?"

Room Service: "An toes. July Sahn toes?"

Guest: "I... Don 't think so."

RoomService: "No? Judo wan sahn toes???"

Guest: "I feel really bad about this, but I don 't know what 'judo wan sahn toes ' means."

RoomService: "Toes! Toes!...Why Joo don Juan toes? Ow bow Anglish moppin we bodder?"

Guest: "Oh, English muffin!!! I 've got it! You were saying 'toast '... Fine...Yes, an English muffin will be fine."

RoomService: "We bodder?"

Guest: "No, just put the bodder on the side."

RoomService: "Wad?!?"

Guest: "I mean butter... Just put the butter on the side."

RoomService: "Copy?"

Guest: "Excuse me?"

RoomService: "Copy...tea..meel?"

Guest: "Yes. Coffee, please... And that 's everything."

RoomService: "One Minnie. Scramah egg, crease baykem, Anglish moppin, we bodder on sigh and copy .... Rye ??"

Guest: "Whatever you say.."

RoomService: "Tenjooberrymuds."

Guest: "You 're welcome"

Remember I said "By the time you read through this YOU WILL UNDERSTAND 'TENJOOBERRYMUDS ' ".......and you do, don 't you!

 

[sssammm]

Is a doctor who specialises in nose cancer called a honkologist?

No, a Conkologist