Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[MissyD]

How does Santa like his pizza?


Deep pan crisp and even

 

[bob6600]

 

[bob6600]

 

[AMGeed]

 

[AMGeed]

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[moonloops]

There was this chap who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to sort out and process all the mail that had illegible addresses.

One day a letter came to his desk, addressed in a shaky handwriting to God. He thought, "Oh boy, better open this one and see what it's all about."

So he opened it and read: "Dear God, I am an 83 year old widow living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had £100 in it, which was all the money I had until my next pension payment. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope." Can you please help me?


The postal worker was touched, and went around showing the letter to all the others. Each of them dug into his wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected £96, which they put into an envelope and sent over to her. The rest of the day, all the workers felt the warm glow of the kind thing they had done.

Christmas came and went. A few days later another letter came from the old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened.

It read, "Dear God, How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful spirit." "By the way, there was £4 missing. I think it must have been those thieving c*nts at the Post Office."

 

[bob6600]

 

[gaz_l]

Did you hear about the dyslexic devil worshipper? He sold his soul to Santa.

Cheers,

Gaz.

 

[John]

Did you hear about the dyslexic pimp? Bought himself a warehouse.

 

[bob6600]

 

[moonloops]

When the army soldier who looked after their batteries wet the bed, he got put on a tinkle charge.

 

[sssammm]

Im sick of Christmas already,
I work my ass off all year to earn enough money to buy the family presents they want and what happens?
That fat f*ck with the beard gets all the credit,
still, its my own fault for marrying her.....

 

[sssammm]

A young man called Chris from London wanted to buy a Christmas present for his new girlfriend. They hadn't been seeing each other for very long and she lived in Scotland. Chris consulted with his sister and decided, after careful consideration, that a pair of good quality gloves would strike the right note... not too romantic and not too personal. Off he went with his sister to Harrods and they selected a dainty pair of fur lined quality leather gloves. His sister bought a pair of sexy knickers for herself at the same time. Harrods had a free gift wrap offer but the assistant mixed up the two items, the sister got the gloves and Chris unknowingly got the knickers. Good old Chris sent off his gift wrapped present in a parcel with the following letter.
Dear Maggie,
I chose these because I've noticed that you are not wearing any when we go out in the evenings. If it had not been for my sister I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but she wears shorter ones (which are easier to remove). These are a very delicate shade, but the lady I bought them from showed me the pair she had been wearing for the past three weeks and I hardly noticed any marks. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really smart in them even though they were a little bit tight on her. She also said that they rub against her ring which helps keep it clean. In fact she hasn't needed to wash it since she began wearing them.
I wish I was there to put them on for you the first time, as no doubt many other hands will touch them before I have a chance to see you again.
When you take them off remember to blow into them a little bit because they will be naturally a little damp from wearing.
Just imagine how many times my lips will kiss them during the coming year.
I hope you will wear them for me on our next date.
All my love,
Chris
P.S. My mum tells me that the latest style is to wear them folded down with a little bit of fur showing.

 

[bob6600]

 

[moonloops]

I got bored the other day so I jumped into he herb section at the local market.

I've definitely got too much thyme on my hands.

 

[D-18]

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Nothing special!
Just a women trying to park a car!

 

[bob6600]

 

[bob6600]

 

[ioweddie]

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'


The Irishman replied, 'These are Carols.'

And So The Christmas Season Begins

 

[ioweddie]

Boys and Girls Room Signs

AND FINALLY PLEASE DO NOT ARGUE!!!...