Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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Saw my neighbour out early this morning scaping the "My Kid Is A Terrific Student" sticker off her car.
I guess the first week of home schooling didn't go so well.

Thoughts and prayers going out to all the married men who have spent months telling their wives "I'll do it when I have time"
 
What's the difference between people from Dubai and people from Abu Dhabi?

People from Dubai don't really like the Flintstones.

But people from Abu Dhabi do.
 
Husband:
My wife is missing.
She went out yesterday and has not come home...

Sergeant at Police Station:
What is her height?

Husband:
Gee, I'm not sure. A little over five-feet tall.

Sergeant:
Weight?

Husband:
Don't know. Not slim, not really fat.

Sergeant:
Colour of eyes?

Husband:
Sort of brown I think. Never really noticed.

Sergeant:
Colour of hair?

Husband:
Changes a couple times a year.
Maybe dark brown now.
I can’t remember.

Sergeant:
What was she wearing?

Husband:
Could have been pants, or maybe a skirt or shorts. I don't know exactly.

Sergeant:
What kind of car did she go in?

Husband:
She went in my Audi

Sergeant:
What kind of Audi was it?

Husband: (sobbing)
Audi A6 Avant Black Edition,
Ambient Lighting pack - A6, Front and outer rear heated seats, Valcona leather - Lunar silver + super sport seats, 3 spoke heated sports leather multifunction steering wheel with paddle shift, LED Matrix headlights with high beam assist, Pearlescent paint, Audi drive select, Audi parking system plus with front and rear sensors, Audible and visual fasten seat belt warning - front and rear, Cruise control, Driver's information system, MMI SD card Navigation, Mobile telephone preparation, PAS, Service interval indicator, 3 point seatbelts on all seats, ABS-EBD, ASR traction control, Curtain airbags, Driver and passenger airbags, Driver-front passenger side airbags, Electromechanical parking brake, Electronic stability control, Front passenger airbag deactivation, Hill hold assist, Tyre pressure monitoring system, Warning triangle and first aid kit, Anti theft alarm, Anti-theft wheel bolts, Immobiliser, Keyless Start, Remote central locking, Audi music interface, Auxiliary input socket, DAB digital radio module, MMI Radio plus with CD player and bluetooth interface, SD card slot, USB connection, 12V power in rear centre console, 4 way electric lumbar support, 4 zone climate control, Aluminium door sill trims, Black cloth headlining, Double cargo floor, Electric front seats + driver memory, Front centre armrest, Front head restraints, Front-rear floor mats, Height adjustable front seats, Isofix front passenger and rear seat preparation, Jack and tool kit, Load lashing points, Luggage compartment cover, Luggage rails, Perforated leather gearknob, Rear headrests, Split folding rear seat, Auto dimming rear view mirror, Automatic headlights + automatic windscreen wipers, Body coloured bumpers, Body coloured door mirrors and handles, Body coloured roof spoiler, Door sill trims with S line logo, Electric front-rear windows, Headlight washers, High gloss black door mirrors, High gloss black finish B pillar, High gloss black triangular aperture at rear door, LED daytime running lights, LED rear lights, Light sensor, Platinum grey front lip spoiler, Privacy glass (to rear of B post), Rain sensor, Rear wiper, Alcantara door trim, Piano black finish inlay, Space saver spare wheel, Black Styling pack - A6 Avant, Non smoking pack - A6, Diesel particulate filter

(At this point, the sobbing has turned into a full cry.)

Sergeant:
Don't worry buddy. We'll find your Audi


Sent from my iPhone using Tapatalk
 
Miss Beatrice,

The church organist,

Was in her eighties

And had never been married. She was admired for her
sweetness and kindness to all.

One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room.

She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea..

As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut glass bowl sitting on top of it..

The bowl was filled with water,

and in the water floated of all things, a condom!


When she returned

With tea and scones, they began to chat the pastor tried to stifle his curiosity

about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and he could no longer resist.

'Miss Beatrice', he said,

'I wonder if you would tell me about this?

Pointing to the bowl.

'Oh, yes,' she replied, 'Isn't it wonderful?

I was walking through the park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground.

The directions said

to place it on the organ,

keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.
Do you know I haven't had the flu all winter.
 
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People say I’m a bad person.




I think that they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
 
A guy goes to the doctor...

"What seems to be the trouble, Mr Jones?

It's a bit embarrassing, doctor.

Come, come, Mr Jones, I think I've seen enough in my time not to be shocked by whatever your problem may be.

Well... I have a mole on the end of my w!lly.
I've tried a few things at home to see if I can get rid of it, but...

Ok, Mr Jones, drop your trousers and I'll take a look.

Erm, Ok...

Right - I can remove the mole from the end of your w!lly...

PHEW!

However, Mr Jones! I'm afraid I am going to have to report you to the RSPCA!"
 
Two nuns in the bath.

"Where's the soap?

I know, but it feels so nice..."
 
Two nuns cycling along a cobbled road.
First nun said "Do you come this way often?"
Second nun replied "No, it must be the cobbles".
 

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