Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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Cop pulls over a car. Passenger winds down the window - he's an Ancient Egyptian mummy. "I'm sorry," he says. "I'm very drunk." "What about him?" asks the cop, pointing to the mummy in the driving seat. "Oh good heavens no," says the first mummy, "He's the dessicated driver."

Cheers,

Gaz
 
Back to the jokes:
Global Recession Fallout Triggered by COVID-19 Pandemic


The recession has hit everybody really hard.


My neighbor got a pre-declined credit card in the mail.


CEO's are now playing miniature golf.


Exxon-Mobil laid off 25 Congressmen.


A stripper was killed when her audience showered her with rolls of pennies while she danced.


I saw a Mormon with only one wife.


If the bank returns your check marked "Insufficient Funds," you call them and ask if they meant you or them.


McDonald's is selling the 1/4 ouncer.


Angelina Jolie adopted a child from America.


Parents in Beverly Hills fired their nannies and learned their children's names.


My cousin had an exorcism but couldn't afford to pay for it, and they re-possessed her!


A truckload of Americans was caught sneaking into Mexico.


A picture is now only worth 200 words.


When Bill and Hillary travel together, they now have to share a room.


The Treasure Island casino in Las Vegas is now managed by Somali pirates.

And, finally...

I was so depressed last night thinking about the economy, wars, jobs, my savings, Social Security, retirement funds, etc., I called the Suicide Hotline. I got a call center in Pakistan, and when I told them I was suicidal, they got all excited, and asked if I could drive a truck.


 
More of a life hack to save forgetting to take your pills, take them all on the same day to save forgetting to take a day later on in the week
 
Adam and Eve said, 'Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.'

And God said, I will create a companion for you that will be with you and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.

And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve

And it was a good animal and God was pleased.


And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.

And Adam said, 'Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.'

And God said, 'I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.


And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.

And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.

After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, 'Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.'

And God said, I will create for them a companion who will be with them and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.'

And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.

And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat's eyes, they were reminded that they were not the Supreme Beings.

And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.

And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.

And the Cat . . .

didn't give a shit one way or the other...
 
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