Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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(C) Private Eye
 
Don't know how to add a video to a post, but this is worth a watch, topical and amusing - especially if you are a fan of MASH!

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Edit - somehow it appears on the post - magic!!
 
What is Dame Vera Lynn eating every day during the lockdown?

Whale meat again.

Does she down loads as a podcast?
 
A Geordie is drinking in a London bar when he gets a call on his mobile phone:

He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, he orders a round of drinks for everyone in the bar, because, he announces his wife has just produced a typical Geordie baby boy weighing 25 pounds.

Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Geordie shrugs. "That's about average in the Northeast. Like I said, my boy is a typical Geordie baby boy."

Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "Jeezaz" were heard.
One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains.
Two weeks later the Geordie returns to the bar.
The bartender says. "You're the father of that typical Geordie baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth. Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks. We were going to call you. So, how much does he weigh?"
The proud father answers. "17 pounds"
The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born."
The Geordie father takes a long slow swig from his beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says..............
"Had him circumcised"
 
While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head.

Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low-cut blouse with a cleavage to die for.
"I'm okay I think." I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.
She said, "Get in and I'll take you home, so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head."
"That's nice of you," I answered, "But I don't think my wife will like me doing that!"
"Oh, come now, I'm a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly."
Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this."
We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now."
Don't be silly!" she said with a smile. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?"











"My guess is that she's still in the ditch."
 

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