Petrol Pete
Hardcore MB Enthusiast
Thats novel, it's usually a coin .
Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)
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Thats novel, it's usually a coin .
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Petrol Pete
Hardcore MB Enthusiast
Yup, wife went to deli and asked for the biggest Salami they had, When asked if she wanted it sliced she said 'no thanks , what do you think I am , a frucking slot machine !?'Odd choice of toys in your house then....
Boom , and indeed Boom ! . I'll get my coat...If my wife don't get it for me first !
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Imagine that conversation
Invoice for mechanic reveals Dubliner's car troubles were caused by dildo jammed in seat rails | The Irish Post
ABSOLUTELY MORTO.A woman from Dublin was probably embarrassed enough after a trip to the mechani...www.irishpost.com
"Hygiene concern"...? Use disposable gloves. Snowflake.
Williamwoo
Active Member
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Had this real problem earlier undoing a lock, so I got a specialist to come round and help. Luckily he's a key worker.
SpoonJar
Banned
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Hope we are all planning celebrations for the VE Day anniversary today?
I’ll be raising a glass to my grandad who singlehandedly brought down 40 German aircraft. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
I’ll be raising a glass to my grandad who singlehandedly brought down 40 German aircraft. Worst mechanic the Luftwaffe ever had.
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I stayed in a bed and breakfast last night.....
They made me sleep on a slice of toast.
They made me sleep on a slice of toast.
You have wondered just who is the Jack Schitt that comes up in conversation from time to time?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Related to the Crapp family, Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-
Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt..
Now, when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING - LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt'!
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.
Related to the Crapp family, Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, who married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.
In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.
Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.
Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-
Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.
Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt..
Now, when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt', you can correct them.
Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt
NOTE: PLEASE PASS THIS ON TO ANYONE WHO NEEDS A LAUGH.
REMEMBER: LAUGHING - LOWERS THE BLOOD PRESSURE.
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- R230 SL500 in teal blue, R231 SL500 in black. (Vauxhall insignia diesel now sold) Black Ford Mondeo
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Customer Review
Amazon review.
5.0 out of 5 stars Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ****.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, **** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my **** while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "
Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...
So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
Amazon review.
5.0 out of 5 stars Veet -- the Men's Hair Removal Gel Creme (from hell) . . .Reviewed in the United Kingdom on 30 July 2012
After having been told my danglies looked like an elderly rastafarian I decided to take the plunge and buy some of this as previous shaving attempts had only been mildly successful and I nearly put my back out trying to reach the more difficult bits.
Being a bit of a romantic I thought I would do the deed on the missus's birthday as a bit of a treat.I ordered it well in advance and working in the North sea I considered myself a bit above some of the characters writing the previous reviews and wrote them off as soft office types...oh my fellow sufferers how wrong I was.
I waited until the other half was tucked up in bed and after giving some vague hints about a special surprise I went down to the bathroom. Initially all went well and I applied the gel and stood waiting for something to happen. I didn't have long to wait.
At first there was a gentle warmth which in a matter of seconds was replaced by an intense burning and a feeling I can only describe as like being given a barbed wire wedgie by two people intent on hitting the ceiling with my head.
Religion hadn't featured much in my life until that night but I suddenly became willing to convert to any religion to stop the violent burning around the turd tunnel and what seemed like the destruction of the meat and two veg.
Struggling to not bite through my bottom lip I tried to wash the gel of in the sink and only succeeded in blocking the plughole with a mat of hair.Through the haze of tears I struggled out of the bathroom across the hall into the kitchen by this time walking was not really possible and I crawled the final yard to the fridge in the hope of some form of cold relief.
I yanked the freezer drawer out and found a tub of ice cream, tore the lid of and positioned it under me. The relief was fantastic but only temporary as it melted fairly quickly and the fiery stabbing soon returned.
Due to the shape of the ice cream tub I hadn't managed to give the starfish any treatment and I groped around in the draw for something else as I was sure my vision was going to fail fairly soon. I grabbed a bag of what I later found out was frozen sprouts and tore it open trying to be quiet as I did so. I took a handful of them and tried in vain to clench some between the cheeks of my ****.
This was not doing the trick as some of the gel had found it's way up the chutney channel and it felt like the space shuttle was running it's engines behind me.This was probably and hopefully the only time in my life I was going to wish there was a gay snowman in the kitchen which should give you some idea of the depths I was willing to sink to in order to ease the pain.
The only solution my pain crazed mind could come up with was to gently ease one of the sprouts where no veg had gone before.
Unfortunately, alerted by the strange grunts coming from the kitchen the other half chose that moment to come and investigate and was greeted by the sight of me, **** in the air, strawberry ice cream dripping from my bell end pushing a sprout up my **** while muttering..." Ooooh that feels good "
Understandingly this was a shock to her and she let out a scream and as I hadn't heard her come in it caused an involuntary spasm of shock in myself which resulted in the sprout being ejected at quite some speed in her direction.
I can understand that having a sprout farted against your leg at 11 at night in the kitchen probably wasn't the special surprise she was expecting and having to explain to the kids the next day what the strange hollow in the ice cream was didn't improve my status...
So to sum it up Veet removes hair, dignity and self respect....... :-
- Joined
- Sep 16, 2012
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- 1,952
- Location
- Winford Isle of Wight
- Car
- AMG Line Premier Plus Estate C220d
Jewish Comedians.......
Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour.
Not a single swear in their comic routines was needed to get their audience to laugh, as shown below:
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.
He asks, "What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband"
The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part”.
Some of us miss the old kind of (Yiddish) humour.
Not a single swear in their comic routines was needed to get their audience to laugh, as shown below:
A car hit an elderly Jewish man. The paramedic says, "Are you comfortable?"
The man says, "I make a good living."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won't be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife and I revisited the hotel where we spent our wedding night. This time I was the one who stayed in the bathroom and cried.
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
My wife was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor gave a man six months to live. The man couldn't pay his bill, so the doctor gave him another six months.
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Doctor called Mrs Cohen saying, "Mrs. Cohen, your check came back."
Mrs. Cohen replied, "So did my arthritis!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Doctor: "You'll live to be 60!" Patient: "I AM 60!" Doctor:
"See! What did I tell you?"
----------------------------------------------------------------------
A doctor held a stethoscope up to a man's chest. The man asks, "Doc, how do I stand?
The doctor says, "That's what puzzles me!"
--------------------------------------------------------------------------
Patient: "I have a ringing in my ears. " Doctor: "Don't answer!"
---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A drunk was in front of a judge. The judge says, "You've been brought here for drinking.
The drunk says, "Okay, let's get started."
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A man called his mother in Florida. "Mom, how are you?"
"Not too good," said the mother. "I've been very weak."
The son said, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 38 days."
The son said, "That's terrible. Why haven't you eaten in 38 days?"
The mother answered, "Because, I didn't want my mouth to be full in case you should call."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish man said that when he was growing up, they always had two choices for dinner - Take it or leave it.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Jewish boy comes home from school and tells his father he has a part in the play.
He asks, "What part is it?”
The boy says, “I play the part of the Jewish husband"
The father scowls and says, "Go back and tell the teacher you want a speaking part”.
- Joined
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- 9,606
- Location
- Preston, Lancs
- Car
- S204 C220CDi Sport ED125 (Mr) Kia Picanto Domino 1.1 (Mrs)
Knowing we have a few watch fans on here.....
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