Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[D-18]

 

[Deleted member 37751]

Dyslexic lives mattress

 

[Gollom]

Dyslexic lives mattress

Thank Dog 4 that

 

[ioweddie]

IRISH GHOST STORY This story happened a while ago in Dublin, and even though it sounds like an Alfred Hitchcock tale, it's true. ~~~~~~~~~~~~​ John Bradford, a Dublin University student, was on the side of the road hitch-hiking on a very dark night and in the midst of a big storm. The night was rolling on and no car went by. The storm was so strong he could hardly see a few feet ahead of him. Suddenly, he saw a car slowly coming towards him and stopped. John, desperate for shelter and without thinking about it, got into the car and closed the door ... only to realise there was nobody behind the wheel and the engine wasn't running. The car started moving slowly. John looked at the road ahead and saw a curve approaching. Scared, he started to pray, begging for his life. Then, just before the car hit the curve, a hand appeared out of nowhere through the window, and turned the wheel. John, paralysed with terror, watched as the hand came through the window, but never touched or harmed him. Shortly thereafter, John saw the lights of a pub appear down the road, so, gathering strength, he jumped out of the car and ran to it... Wet and out of breath, he rushed inside and started telling everybody about the horrible experience he had just had. A silence enveloped the pub when everybody realised he was crying ... and wasn't drunk. Suddenly, the door opened, and two other people walked in from the dark and stormy night. They, like John, were also soaked and out of breath. Looking around, and seeing John Bradford sobbing at the bar, one said to the other... 'Look Paddy ... there's that fecking idiot that got in the car while we were pushing it!'

 

[ioweddie]

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted

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A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

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A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

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Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

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A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road.

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Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does This taste

funny to you?"

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"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

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Two cows standing next to each other in a field Daisy says to Dolly "I was

artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

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Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron.

" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

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Answer phone message "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

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Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

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A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

My dog's cross-eyed, there anything you can do for him?

" Well,"says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

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Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

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Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

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I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

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I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't

reach the meat off the top shelf. and he said, 'no, the steaks are too

high.'

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My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

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A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied," I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

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I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and

heat it too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

With hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

 

[moonloops]

Two peanuts walk into a bar

One was a salted

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A jump-lead walks into a bar.

The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A sandwich walks into a bar.

The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Dyslexic man walks into a bra.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says:

"Pint please, and one for the road.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two aerials meet on a roof, fall in love get married.

The ceremony was rubbish but the reception was brilliant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: "Does This taste

funny to you?"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

"Doc, I can't stop singing 'The green, green grass of home'."

"That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome."

"Is it common?"

"It's not unusual."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two cows standing next to each other in a field Daisy says to Dolly "I was

artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," said Dolly.

"It's true, straight up, no bull!"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.

One says, "I think I've lost an electron.

" The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies, "Yes, I'm positive..."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Answer phone message "If you want to buy marijuana, press the hash key...."

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bullshit before

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.

My dog's cross-eyed, there anything you can do for him?

" Well,"says the vet, "let's have a look at him"

So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.

Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down."

"What? Because he's cross-eyed? "

"No, because he's really heavy"

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two elephants walk off a cliff...... boom boom!

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese.

And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them.

It's either my mum or my dad.

Or my older brother Colin.

Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't

reach the meat off the top shelf. and he said, 'no, the steaks are too

high.'

---------------------------------------------------------------------

My friend drowned in a bowl of muesli. He was pulled in by a strong currant.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

A man came round in hospital after a serious accident.

He shouted, "Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!"

The doctor replied," I know you can't, I've cut your arms off".

---------------------------------------------------------------------

I went to a seafood disco last week.... and pulled a muscle.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the

craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and

heat it too.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

Our ice cream man was found lying on the floor of his van covered

With hundreds and thousands.

Police say that he topped himself.

Expect a call from the 1970's asking for their joke book back

 

[Chrishazle]

1970's would have been at least the second or third printing!

 

[moonloops]

If you get chest pains on your 100th birthday do you get an angiogram from the Queen?

 

[ioweddie]

Expect a call from the 1970's asking for their joke book back

Some youngsters born after the 70's may not have seen them....just trying to lighten peoples day

 

[Rayny]

Some youngsters born after the 70's may not have seen them....just trying to lighten peoples day

Also, we senile old people cannot remember having seen them before so it brightens our day up too.

 

[Meldrew2]

Two men walk into a bar.

The third one ducks...

 

[DSM10000]

A friend keeps trying to cheer me up.

He says things like "It could be worse, you could be in a deep hole full of water!"

I know he means well.

 

[Deleted member 37751]

I can guarantee you when the pubs open tomorrow absolutely no one will adhere to the social distancing rules, there’ll be steaming morons everywhere and if you think I’m going to be there then you’re absolutely right.

 

[m80]

I can guarantee you when the pubs open tomorrow absolutely no one will adhere to the social distancing rules

I don't agree, they will for the 1st half pint

 

[flying haggis]

A school for blind children is returning by coach from a day trip to the beach with two male teachers.
As they near the journey end one teacher asks the other, "were earlier getting back than we expected, theres a good pub just coming up do you fancy stopping for a pint?"
The other teacher replies "it would be great but we cant take the kids in there can we?"
" It'll be fine this pub has a huge garden, we can get them some cans of coke, and we've got their football with the bell inside they can have a kick about with"

So they stop at the pub, get the kids some drinks and leave them kicking the ball around whilst they go inside for a drink. They are only halfway through their pints when the landlord comes over "hey are you two in charge of those blind kids out there?" He asks.
they confirm they are indeed, "well" says the landlord "you'd better go and sort them out, they're kicking the f@## out of the Morris Dancers!"

 

[Swotty]

 

[markjay]

(C) Private Eye

 

[ioweddie]

Sipping on a glass of wine as she sat on the patio with her husband, an elderly woman said: "I love you so much. I don't know how I could ever live without you".



Her husband asked: "Is that you or the wine talking?"



She replied: "It's me ... talking to the wine".

 

[Chrishazle]

You overheard my wife Eddie!!

 

[AMGeed]

When the Government say you can have up to 6 people in your garden