Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[markjay]

ouch.........

 

[AMGeed]

^ It's a bit close isn't it?

 

[John]

^ It's a bit close isn't it?

Needs checking against the off-side rule, that one!

 

[AMGeed]

Needs checking against the off-side rule, that one!

Any better?

 

[moonloops]

Lots of people seem to like the song Vienna, by Ultravox. I don't know what they see in it? It means nothing to me.

 

[ringway]

Got to feel sorry for Shakespeare.

A hot day yesterday and he called in at our local and asked for a pint of lager and lime.

The landlord said "You're Bard".

 

[ioweddie]

A little girl was leaning into a lion's cage. Suddenly, the lion grabs her by the collar of her jacket and tries to pull her inside to slaughter her, all under the eyes of her screaming parents.

A biker jumps off his Harley, runs to the cage and hits the lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the lion jumps back, letting go of the girl, and the biker brings the girl to her terrified parents, who thank him endlessly.

A BBC reporter, Laura K***sberg, has watched the whole event. Laura, addressing the Harley rider says, "Sir, this was the most gallant and bravest thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.”

The Harley rider replies, "Why, it was nothing, really. The lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger, and acted as I felt right.”

Miss K***sberg replied : "Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a BBC journalist, you know, and tomorrow's news will run this story. So, what do you do for a living, and what political affiliation do you have?”

The biker replies : "I'm a British Army veteran, a Conservative and I voted for Brexit”. The journalist snarled and left.

The following morning the biker turns on BBC News to see if it indeed brings news of his actions.

BBC Headline: RIGHT WING UK VETERAN ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT & STEALS HIS LUNCH.

And that pretty much sums up the BBC's approach to the news these days.

 

[Ted]

 

[Wolfie1]

View attachment 99445

Its like wearing a condom to the birth of your child

 

[MD5]

 

[AMGeed]

 

[moonloops]

View attachment 99506

I remember someone asking at the supermarket - "have you got any finger proof toilet paper"

 

[AMGeed]

 

[John]

 

[Deleted member 65149]

 

[markjay]

 

[Swotty]

View attachment 99536

It's surely John Travolta on the right?

 

[Deleted member 37751]

 

[Deleted member 65149]

 

[Gollom]

View attachment 99664