Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[Swotty]

 

[moonloops]

Every time I drive the car I can hear Liberace's music.

Took it to the dealer and they said it's because you have a piano sunroof.

 

[bob6600]

 

[D-18]

 

[bob6600]

 

[ioweddie]

​

Picking a mate... according to kids

1. HOW DO YOU DECIDE WHO TO MARRY?

-You got to find somebody who likes the same stuff. Like, if you like sports, she should like it that you like sports, and she should keep the chips and dip coming.
-- Alan, age 10

-No person really decides before they grow up who they're going to marry. God decides it all way before, and you get to find out later who you're stuck with.
-- Kristen, age 10



2. WHAT IS THE RIGHT AGE TO GET MARRIED?
-Twenty-three is the best age because you know the person FOREVER by then.
-- Camille, age 10


3. HOW CAN A STRANGER TELL IF TWO PEOPLE ARE MARRIED?
-You might have to guess, based on whether they seem to be yelling at the same kids.
-- Derrick, age 8


4. WHAT DO YOU THINK YOUR MOM AND DAD HAVE IN COMMON?
-Both don't want any more kids.
-- Lori, age 8


5. WHAT DO MOST PEOPLE DO ON A DATE?

-Dates are for having fun, and people should use them to get to know each other. Even boys have something to say if you listen long enough.
-- Lynnette, age 8

-On the first date, they just tell each other lies and that usually gets them interested enough to go for a second date.
-- Martin, age 10


6. WHEN IS IT OKAY TO KISS SOMEONE?
-When they're rich.
-- Pam, age 7

-The law says you have to be eighteen, so I wouldn't want to mess with that.
-- Curt, age 7

-The rule goes like this: If you kiss someone, then you should marry them and have kids with them. It's the right thing to do.
-- Howard, age 8


7. IS IT BETTER TO BE SINGLE OR MARRIED?
-It's better for girls to be single but not for boys. Boys need someone to clean up after them.
-- Anita, age 9



8. HOW WOULD THE WORLD BE DIFFERENT IF PEOPLE DIDN'T GET MARRIED?
-There sure would be a lot of kids to explain, wouldn't there?
-- Kelvin, age 8


And the #1 Favorite is .......



9. HOW WOULD YOU MAKE A MARRIAGE WORK?
-Tell your wife that she looks pretty, even if she looks like a dump truck.
-- Ricky, age 10

​

 

[Peter103]

 

[Deleted upon users own request member 138506]

View attachment 101859

WTF When I posted this in the "M-B Engineers seem to be getting prettier" thread Admin removed the post!!!!

 

[markjay]

WTF When I posted this in the "M-B Engineers seem to be getting prettier" thread Admin removed the post!!!!

It's because your post said "Admin, please remove this post"....

 

[Deleted upon users own request member 138506]

I was getting in my car when a friend asked for a lift. So I said, “OK, you look amazing”, then I drove off.

 

[Deleted upon users own request member 138506]

It's because your post said "Admin, please remove this post"....

Didn't realise Admin were so obliging but rather selective since didn't lock the thread on other members requests!

 

[ioweddie]

The Royal Navy is proud to announce its new fleet of Type 45 destroyers. Having initially named the first two ships HMS Daring and HMS Dauntless, the Naming Committee has, after intensive pressure from Brussels, renamed them HMS Cautious and HMS Prudence. The next five ships are to be HMS Empathy, HMS Circumspect, HMS Nervous, HMS Timorous and HMS Apologist.


Costing £850 million each, they comply with the very latest employment, equality, health & safety and human rights laws. The Royal Navy fully expects any future enemy to be jolly decent and to comply with the same high standards of behaviour.

The new user-friendly crow's nest has excellent wheelchair access. Live ammunition has been replaced with paintballs to reduce the risk of anyone getting hurt and to cut down on the number of compensation claims. Stress counsellors and lawyers will be on board, as will be a full sympathetic industrial tribunal.

The crew will be 50/50 men and women and will contain the correct balance of race, gender, sexuality and disability. Sailors will only work a maximum of 37hrs per week as per Brussels Rules on Working Hours, even in wartime. All the vessels are equipped with a maternity ward, a crèche and a gay disco.

Tobacco will be banned throughout the ship, but recreational cannabis will be allowed in wardrooms and messes.

The Royal Navy is eager to shed its traditional reputation for; "Rum, sodomy and the lash"; so out has gone the rum ration, replaced by sparkling water. Sodomy remains, now extended to include all ratings under 18. The lash will still be available on request.

Saluting of officers is now considered elitist and has been replaced by the greeting "Hello Sailor".

All information on notice boards will be in 37 different languages and Braille, with the option for more if personnel from other ethnic groups join the ship’s company.

Crew members will now no longer have to ask permission to grow beards and/or moustaches. This applies equally to the female and transgender crew.

The MoD is inviting suggestions for a "non-specific" flag because the White Ensign may offend minorities. The Union Jack must never be seen.

The newly re-named HMS Cautious will be commissioned shortly by Captain Hook from the Naval Group Committee of the Finsbury Park Mosque who will break a petrol bomb over the hull. She will gently slide into the sea as the Royal Marines Band plays "In the Navy" by the Village People. Her first deployment will be to escort boatloads of illegal immigrants to ports on England's south coast.

The Prime Minister said, "Our ships reflect the very latest in modern thinking and they will always be able to comply with any new orders or legislation from Brussels."

His final words were, "Britannia waives the rules."

 

[D-18]

 

[ringway]

Wife treats Hubby by taking him to...

Wife treats Hubby by taking him to a strip club for his birthday.

At the club
Doorman: Hey Jim! How are you?

Wife: How does he know you?
Jim: We play Golf!

Barman: The usual Jim?
Wife: and how does HE know you?
Jim: He's on the Darts Team!

Lap Dancer: The special again Jim?

The Wife storms out dragging Jim with her and jumps into a taxi.

Driver: Hey Jimmy boy
You've picked up a right minger this time... Same Hotel ?

 

[ringway]

I'm disgusted that fireworks are being let of so early.

It's not even Halloween yet and I've now got to try and get my petrified kitten out from under the Christmas tree.

 

[ChrisEdu]

With my wife's cooking,we'll be having a funeral on Boxing day!

 

[Williamwoo]

I see some poor guy died from eating too much liquorice. Takes all sorts I suppose.

 

[ChrisEdu]

I see some poor guy died from eating too much liquorice. Takes all sorts I suppose.

Bertie Bassett?

 

[Swotty]

The latest from our hostage in the People's Republic of California.

 

[ringway]

Apparently, Ian Dury would only visit three shops.

Vision Express.
Boots The Chemist.
Greggs Bakery.


For...




Specs
&
Drugs
&
Sausage Rolls.