Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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This horse goes into a pub for a few jars. ... when he spots a donkey in the corner so he nips over to have a natter, donkey asks "what did you do for a living" horse says " I ran on the flat in the summer and over the jumps in the winter".

Donkey says "I worked with the kids on blackpool beach" , then he asks "did you win anything".

Horse says "yeah on the flat I won the Oaks, St. Leger and the Derby and over the jumps I won the Grand National and the Gold Cup”.
They arrange to meet at the donkey's house a week later, donkey thinks, "I need to impress, this guy has done everything".

So he buys a big picture of a zebra and hangs it above the fireplace, the horse arrives and says "lovely place you have here and who's that in the picture on the wall?", the donkey replies " that's me when I played for Juventus"
 
A woman had a dog which was a female and in heat, agreed to look after her neighbour’s male dog while they were away on holiday.
She had a large house and believed that she could keep the two dogs apart:
However, as she was drifting off to sleep she heard awful howling and moaning sounds, rushed downstairs and found the dogs locked together, in obvious pain and unable to disengage, as so frequently happens when dogs mate.
Unable to separate them, and perplexed as to what to do next, although it was late, she called the vet, who answered in a very grumpy voice.
Having explained the problem to him, the vet said. "Hang up the phone and place it down alongside the dogs. I will then call you back and the noise of the ringing will make the male lose his erect!on and he will be able to withdraw."
"Do you think that will work?" She asked with suspicion.
"It just worked on me." He replied.
 

Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading towards his limo, when a possible assassin steps forward and aims a gun.

A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts 'Mickey Mouse!'

This startles the would-be assassin and he is captured.

Later, the secret service agent's supervisor takes him aside and asks, 'What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?'

Blushing, the agent replies,

'I got nervous. I meant to shout 'Donald, duck!'

 
I've heard that soft drink 7up is being renamed "6down" to remain within the law.

Any confusion caused to crossword enthusiasts is regretted...
 
Have you tried blindfold archery?

You should, you don't know what you're missing....
I have done this actually. It's a good way to practice, as if you are shooting well, you can repeat the motion without the need to look.
 
An old man is sobbing at the side of the road.

A passer by asks, "Whats up?"

The old man moans,
I'm 93, married to a 21 year old Swedish underwear model who wants sex with me at least 6 times a day!"


Passerby says, "So what's the problem?"




Old man replies, "I can't remember where I live!"
 
My wife woke me to say that I’d been muttering something about being born in 1892 and having written Lord of the Rings and The Hobbit. Seems I’ve been Tolkien in my sleep.
 

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