Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

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2021 Covid-19 ZEN TEACHINGS...





1. Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me,

for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me for the path is narrow.

In fact, just bugger off and leave me alone.



2. Sex is like air. It's not that important unless you aren't getting any.



3. No one is listening until you pass wind.



4. Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.



5. Never test the depth of the water with both feet



6. If you think nobody cares whether you're alive or dead,

try missing a couple of mortgage payments.



7. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in

their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a

mile away and you have their shoes.



8. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.



9. Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how

to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.



10. If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again,

it was probably well worth it



11. If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything



12. Some days you are the dog, some days you are the tree.



13. Don't worry....it only seems kinky the first time.



14. Good judgment comes from bad experience ... And most of that comes from bad judgment.



15. A closed mouth gathers no foot.





18. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.









 
The Perfect Man



A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. "

Passenger: Who?

Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab . . . things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.

Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete! He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank Feldman could do everything right.

Passenger: Wow, quite a guy!

Cabbie: Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

His clothing was always immaculate, and shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
 
The Perfect Man



A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank. "

Passenger: Who?

Cabbie: Frank Feldman. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab . . . things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.

Passenger: There are always a few clouds over everybody.

Cabbie: Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete! He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis.

He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy!

Passenger: Sounds like he was something really special.

Cabbie: There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday.

He knew all about wine, which foods to order, and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out.

But Frank Feldman could do everything right.

Passenger: Wow, quite a guy!

Cabbie: Frank never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good.

His clothing was always immaculate, and shoes highly polished, too. He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake.

No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.

Passenger: An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?

Cabbie: Well, I never actually met Frank. He died and I married his wife.
😂

Took me a few moments to fully appreciate the punch line there.
 
Arthritis ....May the Lord have Mercy upon us

A man smelling of booze and cigarettes sat down on a train next to a priest. His tie was stained, there was red lipstick on his collar and face and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.
He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked,
"Tell me Father, do you happen to know what causes arthritis?"

The priest replies, "My son, it's caused by loose living, consorting with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath."

The drunk muttered in response, "Well, I'll be damned", then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized.
"I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

The man answered, "I don't have it, Father.
I was just reading here that the Pope suffers from it.
 





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Ohm! The joy of it all!

 

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