Even more new jokes... (No UK Politics please)

[DSM10000]

 

[Nicebutdim]

What’s red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

 

[bob6600]

I went to see the Red Arrows yesterday.
There were gasps of "Ooh's" and "Aah's" as the crowds watched on in amazement....
Near Miss after Near Miss, had some people covering their eyes and shaking their heads in disbelief..?!?!?
It was a good half hour's worth of Entertainment....
But in the End....
The Mrs finally managed to Park the Car and we made our way to the Air Show

 

[Nicebutdim]

Absolutely disgusting behaviour I saw on the beach at the weekend. I was on the seafront and saw a man and a woman having an almighty argument in front of loads of kids, They were pulling a baby back and forth when suddenly the woman smacked the guy in the head and it all kicked off. There was a massive brawl and someone called the police. This poor copper turned up on his own and took his baton to the man, the guy managed to snatch it off him and began hitting the copper AND his wife!

Then a crocodile crept up and stole all the sausages

 

[Peter103]

What's green and hangs in trees? giraffe snot.

 

[geoffus]

I was playing golf to other day with two old boys, one old chap was about to putt when a funeral cortege passed slowly by in the background.
The old guy stopped instantly, doths his cap. bowed his head and stood silent as it passed by.
I looked at him and said what a lovely gesture.
He replied,"its the least i can do, we were married for 45 years", then carried on with his putt.

 

[Deleted member 65149]

I was playing golf to other day with two old boys, one old chap was about to putt when a funeral cortege passed slowly by in the background.
The old guy stopped instantly, doths his cap. bowed his head and stood silent as it passed by.
I looked at him and said what a lovely gesture.
He replied,"its the least i can do, we were married for 45 years", then carried on with his putt.

Reminds me of another very old golfing joke:

Dave was having a lesson from the professional. He took his driver out of his bag, then after a couple of practice swings addressed the ball sitting high on the first tee. As the professional watched he carefully drew back his club then brought it down at speed, hitting the ball as hard as he could.

But the pressure of being watched made him slice it massively. His ball sailed cleanly over the trees lining the right of the course and into the road. There it hit a cyclist, killing him outright but he still veered over into the path of an oncoming petrol tanker. The tanker driver swerved in an attempt to avoid the now dead cyclist and mounted the kerb before ploughing through the bus stop and mowing down all 5 people in the queue, before rolling over and bursting into flames.

Poor Dave looked on in absolute horror before putting his head in his hands and declaring, “Oh no, what am I going to do?” The professional replied, “Bring your left hand slightly further round when you try it again.”

 

[geoffus]

Most of you know I have just returned from Las Vegas where I met a young lady, we got on very well and in 2 weeks we got married.
At the alter I turned to my to be wife and said”Sammy-joe, I have a confession, I’m addicted to golf, I have to play every single day.
She replied “ I to have a confession, I’m a hooker”
I said not to worry, I’m ok with that, all you have to do is keep your head down and your left arm straight!

 

[NJSS]

 

[Nicebutdim]

I ate ten whole kinder eggs. Didn’t bother unwrapping them.
i’m full of surprises.

 

[Slartibartfast]

Q. What do you call a dog with no legs?

A. It doesn't matter what you call it, it's not going to come

 

[A.J.]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[flying haggis]

 

[Big Janner]

Deleted

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[DSM10000]

 

[A.J.]