Fortune depends on the tone of your voice

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MOCAŠ

MB Enthusiast
Joined
Dec 27, 2008
Messages
7,345
Location
West London
Car
SLK
A friend of mine, a motoring journalist, wastes no opportunity to point out how Germanic in tone (if not accent) he finds the voice of the (NTG1) sat nav lady whenever he travels in my SLK. This has tended to bemuse me somewhat, as I've always found "her" voice to be quite amenable. And yet, he will invariably be reduced to intoning "you vill obey" in response to hearing her, within an inkling of our beginning any journey during which I happen to call on her services.

Well, this week my faith in her gentle tones has been reinforced, having had the use of a current-model Range Rover Vogue for a couple of days. For some reason, Land Rover have seen fit to furnish it with a female American voice. If you're conjuring thoughts of a velvety Jessica Rabbit, though, forget it: imagine instead some grating, screeching harridan seemingly caught at her time of the month. The first time I used it, I fair near jumped out of my (very comfortable) driver's seat due to the volume difference between her voice and that of the dulcet James Naughtie on the Today programme, across whom she barked her orders.

Not being able to work out how to reduce her volume without having to stop and resort to the user manual, I decided to live with it. However, her manner never mellowed. Every instruction was delivered with an impatient, "just do it" overtone, as though she was at the end of her tether because I'd disobeyed everything she'd said heretofore (I hadn't; I daren't!). It wasn't just her accent and tone, either; her vocabulary was also distinctly American. Most annoying was her insistence on calling roundabouts "traffic circles" - with a drawl, no less - but another irritating trait was her kurt, impatient "TAKE THE EXIT" order, almost dalek-like in the charmlessness of its delivery.

And then there was the sing-song nature of her attempt at stringing together any set of instructions telling me to make a manoeuvre that involved negotiating a junction to join a named A road. If she really had sung her instructions, I have no doubt she'd have done so with the melisma and vibrato turned up to 11...

Needless to say I came away with a renewed appreciation for the rather lovely lady that tells me where to go when I'm in my SLK. I don't know who she is, but far from finding her authoritarian (as my friend does), I find her gently reassuring and forgiving; even when I obdurately think I know better and fail to do her bidding (which can be with alarming frequency) she faultlessly maintains her sang froid.

Land Rover could learn a thing or two from this.
 
SLK Lady: 'In 600 seconds, delete the post. Then proceed to obey.'

RR Lady: 'Take it off, NOW. Count down to missile radar lock, 600 seconds, 599...'
 
Only you could get away with a thread like this Mocas.:p

How was the Range Rover, was it petrol or diesel?
 
Needless to say I came away with a renewed appreciation for the rather lovely lady that tells me where to go when I'm in my SLK. I don't know who she is, but far from finding her authoritarian (as my friend does), I find her gently reassuring and forgiving; even when I obdurately think I know better and fail to do her bidding (which can be with alarming frequency) she faultlessly maintains her sang froid.

Land Rover could learn a thing or two from this.

Yeah, I've had her in my car!! I wish she would differentiate her 'th's though. She pronounces the 'th' in third the same way as she does the 'th' in the, as you probably know, unless she saves it just for me!

My cousin recently bought a Jag XF, and the female voice sounds completely uninterested and offhand, with instructions such as "turn slightly right" in the dialogue!
 
Only you could get away with a thread like this Mocas.:p

How was the Range Rover, was it petrol or diesel?

It was a TDV8, and I found it quite impressive - sat nav broad (she was no lady) aside.

The engine was certainly capable of hustling the car along - it never felt short of power (or torque) and surged to order whenever I buried the loud pedal. But... I was always aware that it was a diesel, which disappointed me a little. Everyone seems to say that these days you're only aware of this when a diesel is idling, but I found the engine note under acceleration most uninspiring.

A few weeks ago I had a Jensen Interceptor for the day, and while that lacked the Range Rover's pace, it did at least sound the part. One thing they did have in common was the lightness of the power assisted steering at low speed - my SLK feels almost unassisted by comparison (although I'd imagine that if it were, it would be all-but immovable).

The old saw about the commanding driving position proved to be true, though I was still surprised to find myself eyeball-to-eyeball with Sprinter drivers at the traffic lights. I was also conscious that it seems to lord it over just about any other 4x4 on the road - Cayennes and Q7s seemed puny by comparison. I was initially aware of it greater width, threading it very gingerly through gaps in the traffic and studiously avoiding any roads that I knew to have a width restriction. But I soon got used to it and found it quite easy to judge the width with confidence.

I didn't have any opportunity to take it off road, although I did have to ford a sizeable pool that had collected on a country lane en route to CSG. However, given that we'd just passed a Corsa that had achieved the same feat coming in the opposite direction, any thoughts that we'd exploited one of its star capabilities were quickly dismissed.

The leather used on the seats was beautifully soft and smoothly finished - making the stuff in my SLK look like it came from a cow that had never heard of moisturiser. Also, I'd always assumed that the lower dash panels were leather-trimmed (as the top roll is) so I was surprised to find that it was actually formed in what appeared to be same spongy material used for the SLK's dash.

Given the car's price point and "yummie-mummy" target audience, I was surprised (though not disappointed) to find that despite having an electronic release, both sections of the tailgate had to be operated manually. How does your average Jemima cope?!

All in all, I liked it a lot. The only other RR I'd driven was an 1984 model many years ago, so there was obviously no real comparison to be made between the two. However, if I were going to buy one (and I have no plans in that direction), it would have to be the petrol model, and I would want the interior to be better trimmed (which I'm sure is achievable via the Autobiography programme).

Despite the quality of the seats, it somehow didn't feel like I was sitting in a car that can easily come in at £90,000 with a bit of option ticking. The switchgear in particular seemed rather agricultural, and I was unaccountably expecting the air vents to do some kind of XF-type trick on start up, rather than just sitting there looking all... plastic. Rumour has it that the next-generation model will take a significan step upmarket, and that can only be a good thing. It kinda needs a six-figure starting price to set it apart from the competition - such as it is.
 
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How does your average Jemima cope?!

That's what back seats and front passenger seats are for. Boring stuff will be delivered. As long as you can be seen with a big bag with an even bigger name on it entering your RR then its job done.

Lots of nail salons are off-road it would appear.
 
My NTG 2.5 lady says "now turn left big boy" - I quite like it :cool:.
 
Lots of nail salons are off-road it would appear.

Now, now, TJ, everyone knows that a full-fat RR is de rigueur for negotiating the mean streets of RBKC. Have you seen the size of some of the potholes... :rolleyes:
 
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I don't exactly know why, but I still hanker after a Range Rover.

And yes, I know of all the common faults but there's just something about them that I love.

*Trots off to look at Range Rovers on Auto Trader*
 
kurt?
 
I thought you'd already had one?

I've been on the verge of buying one a few times, but never had the courage of my convictions to follow it through much to my regret...:eek:
 
I've been on the verge of buying one a few times, but never had the courage of my convictions to follow it through much to my regret...:eek:

When I was buying my SLK back in 2005, it was a straight choice between that and an older L322 for about the same price. I'd always hankered after a Range Rover (ever since I first saw one of the originals as a kid, if truth be told), but it took to L322 to make me seriously consider getting one.

In the end I end I decided to go for another SLK (to replace my R170), being put off the RR partly by persistent tales of poor reliability and high repair costs, but mainly because I felt I'd be swapping the fun of hassle-free open-air driving for a bulky leviathan whose novelty would soon wear off.

I'm actually glad I didn't buy one now - if only because every time it's been updated I've found the previous versions become less and less desirable. For instance, when the L322 was launched I thought they'd got the interior just right, yet the interior of the version I had this week comprehensively knocks it into a cocked hat.

More recently I've been thinking about replacing the Fabia with an Evoque, although my sensible head says this would be madness as I haven't even driven the Fabia in the last two years or more. One thing's for certain, though: if the Evoque shares its bigger brother's sat nav voice I won't be going near one.
 
When I had TomTom Navigator 5 on my Treo a few years back , I purchased 'Sylvia' as one of the voices .

This incredibly sexy sounding lady would come out with some memorable statements including

"make a U-turn ahead ......... and take me with you"

"take the third exit at the roundabout ........... because that's my favourite"

" in 500 yds you will have reached your destination ......... but don't stop just yet "

but the 'piece de resistance' was .....


" toll road ahead ................. can I help you get your change out ? " :D:D:D


Sadly , the TomTom app on my iPhone doesn't seem to have any facility for adding custom voices .
 

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