Funnies - with a Scottish theme just for today

pammy

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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Jock was in London wearing his tartan when a curious lady asked if there was anything worn under the kilt.
'No madam,' he replied with a flourish. 'Everything is in perfect working order.'
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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The Kirkcaldy undertaker sent a telegram to the bereaved man, telling him his mother-in-law had died and asking whether he wanted her embalmed, cremated, or buried. Back came the reply: ‘All three — tak’ nae chances.’[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It was a terrible winter — three months of unbroken blizzards.
McTavish hadn’t been seen in the village for weeks, so a Red Cross rescue team struggled to his remote croft at the head of the glen. It was completely buried — only the chimney was showing.
‘McTavish,’ they shouted down the chimney. ‘Are you there?’
‘Wha’s that?’ came the answer.
‘It’s the Red Cross,’ they called.
‘Go away,’ shouted McTavish. ‘I bought a flag last year!’
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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]It was cold on the upper deck and. the captain was concerned for the comfort of his passengers.
He called down: ‘Is there a mackintosh down there big enough to keep two young lassies warm?’
‘No, skipper,’ came the reply, ‘but there’s a MacPherson willing to try.’
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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]A Slight Stirring[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
A young man was at a party in Scotland fully dressed in his native kilt, every male there was. He had been dancing with several young ladies, but none of them had really interested him. But, there was one girl who he had noticed that he wanted in the worst way. He was shy however and did not have the nerve to ask. Just as the last song was coming on Jill, the girl he fancied, came over and asked him, "Would you like to dance with me?"
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[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Thoroughly pleased the young man responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She responded, "By the gleam in your eye." [/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]After they danced the last dance Jill asked him, "Would you like to walk me home?"[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]The boy was so pleased he eagerly responded, "Aye, how could you tell?"[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]She responded, "By the gleam in your eye."[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]When they reached the girls house she calmly asked him, "Would you like to come in and sleep with me?"[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]He was so excited, he really was curious this time, "Was it the gleam in my eye?"[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Jill responded, "No the wee tilt in your kilt."[/font]

[font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]Test this[/font][font=Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif]
A police officer pulls over a Scottish man who's been weaving in and out of the lanes. He goes up to the man's window and says, "Sir, I need you to blow into this breathalyzer tube."
The man says, "Sorry, officer, I can't do that. I am an asthmatic. If I do that, I'll have a really bad asthma attack."
"Okay, fine. I need you to come down to the station to give a blood sample."
"I can't do that either. I am a hemophiliac. If I do that, I'll bleed to death."
"Well, then, we need a urine sample."
"I'm sorry, officer, I can't do that either. I am also a diabetic. If I do that, I'll get really low blood sugar."
"All right, then I need you to come out here and walk this white line."
"I can't do that, officer."
"Why not?"
"Because I'm drunk."
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