How do I rebuild after a broken relationship?

[NW_Merc]

I was just wondering what advice people could have for someone going through a split and how long it takes to mend emotionally?

 

[st13phil]

Too many variables to define an answer to the "how long" question, but there are definite stages that everyone goes through and it's helpful to recognise those and where you find yourself within the sequence.

One piece of advice I give to anybody who finds themselves in this situation is to never do anything to your ex-partner or their reputation either directly or indirectly that you may look back on some day in the future and be ashamed of. However much pain both of you are going through now it's very important that both of you come out of it all with your dignity intact. It's incredibly difficult because emotions are very much involved, but try to reach agreement about things based on needs and facts, not notions of who is/was in the right or wrong or for reasons of retribution. This will help you come to terms with what has happened and is happening and help you to recover emotionally more quickly.

You will get over it. Some people do so more quickly than others but everyone gets there in the end. While getting through the present, try to keep focussed on the future: you can change that by your attitude. One thing you can't change is the past.

 

[verytalldave]

I presume you are male and will therefore write this with that in mind.

Having been there recently, I can sympathise with you totally.
I dont know if you have kids, but if you do then they will need all the strength you can muster. Its harder for them.
Time IS a great healer, but everybody is different and every relationship is different so how long it will take before a sense of normality takes over is impossible to guage.
For me it was many years.
You must talk to others near you who have also "been there" and can offer practical advice and help.
True friends will rally round and help. Those that dont forget.
PM me if you want to talk further.

 

[Bellow]

Walk and don't look back.

 

[Sp!ke]

Its not easy but... try and look at some of the positives.

When you were in a relationship weren't you slightly jealous of the freedom that your bachelor friends enjoyed? As a single man you don't need to compromise anything. You can do exactly what you want when you want to do it.

So go out and do it - embrace the world, take on new challenges, do stuff you've always wanted to do. Do daft things - anything, it doesnt matter what as long as you enjoy the ride.

Enjoy your new found freedom as you'll likely not have it for long.

 

[Noodle-Pulp]

Walk and don't look back.

+1,
Remember when it's over it's over, decisions have been made and there is no merit in attrition.

For sure it feels devastating at the time but in hindsight life goes on - you have so much more to give to the world, and this personal journey can only be carried out by you, who you invite to bring along for the ride is your choice, and it's their choice whether they want to be a part of it.

The thing to bear in mind is that it is NOT the end of the world, you simply weren't meant to be together.

I split from my first wife in 98, got my divorce (decree absolute) in 99, I then spent a few years rediscovering myself and what was important to me. I'm one of the lucky ones in that we didn't have kids, and the one dependent that we did have (a dog) was partially the reason for the breakup.

I said "never again" a lot of times, but then I was knocked off my feet with the lady who I married in 2003, and now am living happily ever after.

Another thing to remember is to de-junk and de-clutter when it's right to do so for you, having keepsakes or happier days is not a bad thing but as you feel yourself mending you might want to look at losing them altogether.
Otherwise you may be clinging onto some distant memory that in your mind you think of as perfect, but in reality once you lose the keepsakes you will realise things were never as good as you think they were. If there's stuff you bought together think about what it means to you, do you need it? do you want it ? and ask yourself why?

Above all - remember that this is your chance to do all of the things you felt you couldn't do when you were married, or even to find someone new who will share that journey!

 

[Gucci]

Keep busy! Sitting and dwelling doesn't help... nor does being on your own, being amongst family and/or friends helps keep you thinking positively.

 

[martin_a]

Bit heavy this!

Going to be something individual to you really but looking forward, not back has to be the key.

Good luck.

m.

 

[snoop51]

Go on holiday somewhere YOU always wanted to go but haven't for what ever reasons! Time is a great healer though. Good luck and "Keep your chin up"

 

[neilrr]

Shag her sister or her mother or one / some of her mates?

 

[davethemus]

^^^^^^

amsterdam is always good after a break-up

 

[toolman1954]

Shag her sister or her mother or one / some of her mates?

Then find yourself on the Jeremy Kyle show in a few weeks time ????

 

[Howard]

Not the end of the world , you can always lamp Jezza if the show isn't going well

 

[Buffers]

I split from my wife after 30 years (24 married). I found it very difficult through the first year but as already posted time is a great healer. I found out who my real friends were in this period, the ones that were willing to listen when l just needed to get things off my chest. I retained a fair relationship with the ex and that was great for my daughter and 5 years later we were able to both attend her wedding with our new partners and all had a good time together. All relationships are different so the best advise l can give is just move on with your life, its a wonderful world out there!

Buffers

 

[davidjpowell]

But if kids are involved do spare a thought... Step-sons' dad has recently broken up with his wife. No thought to his kids with her, or step-son who was settled with dad, but for practical reasons has been uprooted, and returned to Yorkshire, today.

Otherwise, time is a wonderful healer. Things will be said in anger and best not to dwell on those.

 

[brucemillar]

Shag her sister or her mother or one / some of her mates?

That might just have been the start of this problem !!!

Some people have an irrational attitude towards the male of the species bringing a little bit of happiness to members of their partners family.

This can often end in tears and recrimination. So share the happiness with the sister(s) and mother at the same time. Ask your partner to join in. This will stop any feeling of rejection creeping in and make you feel a little better.

Any female school friends that she is still in touch with should also be encouraged to take part. Share the love allow your unselfish side to come out of the closet.

Oh and post some pics please...

 

[Noodle-Pulp]

So share the happiness with the sister(s) and mother at the same time. Ask your partner to join in. This will stop any feeling of rejection creeping in and make you feel a little better.

Any female school friends that she is still in touch with should also be encouraged to take part. Share the love allow your unselfish side to come out of the closet.

Oh and post some pics please...

woah...woah...WOAH! there boy...
is "happiness" or "love" a euphemism here?

 

[brucemillar]

woah...woah...WOAH! there boy...
is "happiness" or "love" a euphemism here?

No idea. I only popped back to offer the free use of a video camera..

 

[purplegoddess]

keep your chin up hun,time will heal,just remember you will always have your friends around you to help xx and if all else fails im still here to bully

 

[NW_Merc]

keep your chin up hun,time will heal,just remember you will always have your friends around you to help xx and if all else fails im still here to bully

Thanks Naomi, will tell you what's been going on at our next NW GTG